A Big Ol’ Cup of (Caffeinated) Joe

That’s what I had with breakfast…Most of you know what that means…booo.  I started my period yesterday, so IUI #2 was not successful.  I definitely had some tears from learning that news and crashing from the high of “this could really be the month” – it never gets easier.  Although, like Rachel had mentioned once before, that grieving period does seem to get shorter.  Whereas learning the news of another cycle ending used to take a few days to get over, it now takes a few hours.  I guess that’s good…but it is amazing how quickly I can go through all of the stages of grief.  I also know that unless you have walked the road of infertility, or followed it closely with a friend, you might not really understand the grieving over something that never was.  I read a really good article about it at one point and keep meaning to post about it but the article is just too long to summarize and I can’t figure out how to get it on here…anyway…the infertile really does go through the 5 stages of grieving EVERY SINGLE month!!  One day I will get that article on here and it will explain it better, but until then, just know that it happens.  It isn’t simply “OK, this month didn’t work, on we go.”  There really is grieving that goes along with it every month – there is a cycle of hope, followed later in the month by denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance and hope again.  During that 2ww you really do build up hope that you have a baby living inside of you.  No matter how hard you try not to get your hopes up, you do!  You want to believe that this is the month, you want to believe that the infertility road has ended, you want to believe that you will be meeting your baby in 9 months, you want to believe the Lord has finally answered the prayers in the way YOU want them answered (He answers them regardless, just not always how we think He will).  And you do believe those things, especially when you are experiencing pregnancy symptoms and it really feels like you are pregnant.  Then your period starts and you have to grieve all of those things that you were just believing – things that seemed so real.  You must grieve the loss of having to wait at least another month until meeting your future child, grieve the fact that you won’t have your baby in your arms in 9 months, grieve the fact that the infertility road has not ended yet.  And yet throughout it all, even knowing that the grieving is harder if you let yourself have hope -  you do let yourself believe.  I think the Lord wants us to do it… “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13  So even though it hurts, I do always want to believe that this could be the end of this stage of our life.  I always want to believe that maybe this cycle is the Lord’s answer to our prayers…it is just hard finding that balance between hope and reality.

Even with the onset of my period though I really feel at peace.  I just really KNOW the Lord is in control.  I have always KNOWN that and felt it most of the time, but this infertility stuff is still so darn anxiety producing! This past cycle though every time I started thinking I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms (which happens every cycle because most signs of impending periods are the same as pregnancy…so it is next to impossible not to analyze what is going on in my body) or my thoughts started wandering towards “what if this isn’t the month?”my next thought was “Lord I need your grace” or “Lord I need you to take a hold of those thoughts and help me focus on you instead” or “Lord, guard my heart and my mind with your peace that surpasses understanding”…And you know what? HE DOES!  Those thoughts go away…for the time being…they come back, but I just have to say those little prayers again and the Lord is GOOD!  He makes them go away yet again!  And helps me feel at peace even through my circumstances.

AND I was talking to one of my friends the other day who is 13 weeks pregnant and I didn’t feel a bit of jealousy!!  I was genuinely excited for her and interested in the pregnancy happenings.  I was on cloud 9 when I got off of the phone with her because it was the first time that I have been able to really talk to someone about their pregnancy without that nagging jealous feeling in the back of my mind.  In my own power, let me just tell you, that would not have happened.  But with the Lord giving me His grace and peace it did!!  Amazing.

It is good to feel that peace even in the face of another month of failed dreams.  I had blood work this morning and my nurse is supposed to be calling this afternoon with instructions for this next cycle.  Although all of that will be pending on the ultrasound on Monday looking for those darned cysts.  Please join together with me in prayer that I will not have cysts and we can do another cycle of meds/IUI this coming month!!  Thanks and have a great Friday and weekend!

“Wonderful Mother” Controversy

I want to clarify/expound on the previous quote I posted yesterday.  I had a commenter (that again I can’t reply to directly) with a different viewpoint, comment that the quote was “pompous” among other things.  I would like to express my thoughts on the matter.

The intent of the quote in my eyes is that women who experience infertility will be better mothers than if they hadn’t experienced infertility.  It does not mean that we will be better mothers than someone who has not experienced infertility.  The quote is saying that parents who struggle with infertility do learn to really appreciate their children and the blessings in their lives.  “Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.”  This is SO true!  The person who finishes college without having to work hard would probably not appreciate their degree as much as they would if they had had to study non stop, work at improving their grades, etc.  The person who works hard to save up enough money to buy their first car is going to appreciate that car more than they would if their parents bought them that car.  The person who has never had financial problems probably is not going to appreciate being able to pay their bills every month as much as they would if they had gone months where they couldn’t pay their bills.  We take so much for granted, and unless you truly work for something, experience pain to attain that goal and sometimes shed blood sweat and tears - I don’t think we ever truly appreciate the end result. (Sometimes this appreciation comes from watching others experiencing pain and shedding blood and tears and realizing the blessings in our own lives.) Not saying that it can’t happen other ways, but infertility is one of the ways that can bring about that appreciation towards your children. 

Any time we go through struggles in life we can become bitter or better.  We’ve all heard that before, right?  Well it is true.  Infertility as well as other struggles…personal sickness, watching a family member suffer through cancer, losing a close friend, financial troubles, having a child in the hospital…all of these are struggles that you can either choose to learn and grow from or you can become bitter.  When you choose to learn through your struggles, make the most of them, know that the Lord has allowed those things to happen for a reason…you really start to appreciate what you have been given and become a better person. 

From a Biblical perspective…

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-4

Even the Bible tells us that the trials and sufferings in our life can help us refine our faith and grow into a better person.  AND the Bible says…

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Through our struggles and trials not only do we ourselves become refined but we are taught how to interact and comfort others!  This helps in our interactions with others because we are able to empathize with their pain and suffering.

Pain, suffering and trials can help you truly learn to appreciate all of the little things in life and all that you have been blessed with.  It will teach you to appreciate being able to pay your bills, waking up in the middle of the night with a crying baby, eat 3 meals a day, have a roof over your head, not be in the hospital…And when you can truly appreciate all of these little things I think you will be a “Wonderful Mother”.

A Wonderful Mother

I was reading a blog I follow today and she wrote a really good post on “The Cherished Child: Parenting After Infertility”.  I encourage you to check it out…it goes along with the following quote I have had in my blogging drafts for awhile.  Since it tied in so nicely I figured I would go ahead and post it!

“There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better in a sense. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.” ~ Author Unknown

Just a thought…

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” ~ Helen Keller

“Before the Morning” by Josh Wilson

I know I JUST posted a song, but I heard another one today as I was driving around that I just had to share!! My commentary is at the bottom :)

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now?

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

You can listen here to “Before the Morning”.

I really like the parts about “maybe there are things you can’t see, all those things are happening to bring a better ending, someday you’ll see” AND “Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture.” I just love knowing that God doesn’t let us go through “hurts” without having a bigger purpose. There is a purpose for this infertility!! There is a purpose for the hard times that YOU are experiencing!! He can see the bigger picture of what that purpose is while I can only see what is right in front of my face. I truly believe that God is working “behind the scenes” to bring glory to His name through our infertility struggles. And that makes me supremely excited to see what He is working on.

My friend and I were talking the other day and she said that maybe one day in Heaven someone will walk up to me and tell me that they read my blog and were saved as a result of reading what the Lord was saying to them through the blog. Or that the blog/my experience planted a seed that later resulted in their salvation. That kind of gives me chills. It makes me think of the old song “Thank You” by Ray Boltz. You NEVER know how the Lord will touch lives if we are open to His leading. Not saying that I would deserve any credit…the Lord deserves ALL of the credit…but He works THROUGH us to accomplish His will and purposes. How absolutely amazing would that be to get to Heaven and know that through my infertility someone was spending eternal life in HEAVEN!! Oh my goodness. That would make infertility and all of the struggles that come along with it so so so worth it!

“Desert Song” by Hillsong

I heard this song for the first time on a CD my good friend and co-worker made for me.  Thanks Jamie!

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Check it out on YouTube - “Desert Song”

Microscopes are cool

I don't know if this is the norm, but I have never heard anyone mention it…at our IUI appointment the other day we got to see the little spermies under the microscope!  It was so so cool!!  It totally made my day, and made it completely worth driving to Mobile, spending a ton of extra money and missing a whole day of work.  :)  They looked exactly like what you would imagine they look like!  When the embryologist told us we would get to look at them under the microscope we were really excited, but I just thought we’d be able to see little specks floating around.  Not at all the case.  You could see them really clearly and they were all swimming around…it made me think of the beginning of Look Who’s Taking.  :) 

After that excitement, the procedure was dull.  :)  It took FOREVER to get us back there.  The RE was doing an IVF that morning and there were some complications so it made our procedure run late.  The specimen was dropped off in the lab at 9am and it was after 1pm before the IUI!!  We were starving and I was very concerned for the lives of the spermies, but I was assured they would be OK.  We got to talk to them and give them a little pep talk too.  :) When the RE did the IUI he used the ultrasound while he was doing it so we could see the uterus and the sperm being injected in there.  That was pretty awesome too.  For IUI #1, my OBGYN in Dothan did not do the microscope or the ultrasound…again, making driving to Mobile totally worth it.

We felt like hippies here…but it means “IUI #2” :)

The Mobile trip itself was fun too…we took it easy and just bummed around the rest of the day Friday, eating some amazing Cajun food and tons of seafood, getting a pedicure (me, not Barry) and napping.  Then yesterday we took our time driving back.  We stopped at Pensacola Beach to play in the sand and walk around and then took another detour to Destin for some PF Changs for dinner.  It was quite a detour driving out of the way just for PF Changes but I am all about driving for good food.  On multiple occasions in college we would make some lengthy road trips for good food (me and the girls mostly…Barry loves his food but doesn’t particularly enjoy driving for it).  We once drove down to the beach (4 1/2-5 hours) just for dinner.  We have driven to the Georgia state line (about 2 hours from where I was in college) for a caramel sundae at McDonalds after the Alabama McDonalds stopped carrying caramel.  I could name many more experiences of traveling for the sake of food.  Food is important to me.  Very.  I make sacrifices for food.  Gas money and time are some of them.

Here we are at the beach in Pensacola!

And here is Barry playing with a ginormous jelly fish we found.

 

Anywho, it was a fun trip and I am all inseminated now.  :)  Let’s pray that’s the last Mobile trip to the RE we will ever need to make!

My little follicles and a road trip

I had my Day 13 ultrasound appointment yesterday and I had 3 mature follicles (19.9, 16.3 and 15…again, no clue the measurement they use for this, I just got the numbers so they are quite arbitrary).  Last IUI cycle I only had 2 mature follicles, so maybe the 100mg Clomid helped that 3rd little follicle develop!  They had me trigger this morning and IUI tomorrow morning.  They wanted me to trigger around 7am this morning which is way after Barry leaves for work (he has to leave by 5:45am…cringe).  I really really really did not want to have to do the trigger shot myself so my great friend Rachel came over to help!  Sweet friend of mine got here at 6:45am (AND she lives about 20 minutes away!).  We had a yummy pancake breakfast - 100% whole wheat pancakes with 100% fruit blackberry “syrup” – Totally sugar busters friendly! and caffeinated coffee…last day for caffeinated coffee hopefully for 9 months.  :)

And then came time for…dum dum dum dum…This is her “I am scared” face.  :)

She did great!  She said her hand was shaking, but I couldn’t tell.  Several little droplets of the Ovidrel ended up all over the room (just kidding Rach!) but we decided that the Lord is totally in control and can cause me to ovulate completely with or without all the little droplets!  :)  So I am all triggered up and waiting for those little eggies to be released!  Come on body do your thing!

We have decided to do the IUI in Mobile this time just for good measure. :)  Since it is a 3 1/2 – 4 hour drive and the collection is at 8:30-9:00am we decided to drive down tonight and get a hotel.  And then I decided to just book the hotel for 2 nights so after the IUI tomorrow we can come back to the hotel and bum around all day/night.  Watch some TV, catch up on some reading (I am reading a book called “Eat This Book” about how to REALLY read the Bible, man it’s heavy…AND I just started “How to Have a Mary Heart in a Martha World”"…why I started a second book before finishing the first is beyond me….anyway, I want to get some reading done…).  I love getting away from home (I love our home, but I get a little stir crazy in Dothan) and I LOVE LOVE LOVE hotels so great excuse to stay in one!  Prayers for a high sperm county and motility, for those little eggies to be right where they need to be tomorrow and for the sperms to dig, dig, dig!!  :)

More on "Always on Time"...

Someone left this comment on my previous blog post and it was so good I had to post it...

"I am so reminded of the hymn Have Faith in God - verse 2: Have faith in God when your pray'rs are unanswered, Your earnest plea He will never forget; Wait on the Lord, trust His Word and be patient, Have faith in God, He'll answer yet!"

Always On Time

Awesome sermon a few weeks ago…another one of those “Pastor Ray, have you been reading my blog??” sermons.  It came the weekend after we found out I had those cysts and had to be put back on birth control.  Think the Lord was trying to remind us of something?? :)

The passage that he preached on was John 11:17-44, the story about Lazarus.  The story: Lazarus is sick, so Mary and Martha send word to Jesus telling Him about their brother.  Upon hearing that His friend Lazarus is sick Jesus says, “This sickness will not end in death.  No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it” (v.4 ).  However, He didn’t run to Lazarus’s side to heal Him.  In fact He didn’t get there fast at all!  He stayed where He was two more days before traveling!  He took DAYS to get to Bethany where Lazarus was.  In fact, by the time He got there Lazarus had been dead for 4 days.  (Rabbi’s used to teach that the spirit hovered over a body for 3 days after a person died…after 3 days there was no hope.  Yet here Jesus was on the 4th day after Lazarus died…coincidence, it took Him 4 days to get there?  I think not!)  When Jesus gets to Bethany, Lazarus’s family and friends are mourning their loss.  Mary and Martha both tell Jesus, “If only you had been here, Lazarus would not have died.”  Jesus saw the pain in those He loved and “Jesus wept.”  Then He says to take the stone away from the tomb!  He prays to the Father, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.  I know that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.” Then Jesus says “Lazarus, come out!”  And he came out, hands and feet wrapped in linen, and a cloth around his face. 

From this passage we see several things…first of all we see that He wants us to understand how helpless we actually are. (vs 15, 21, 32)  Our helplessness, when we have come to the end of our rope, to the end of our resources, is God’s opportunity to get us to trust Him and not to panic. 

Second, we see that Jesus understands out hurts! (v 38) Oftentimes we think that Jesus doesn’t understand what its like to be human, that He doesn’t understand our pain.  If He didn’t understand our pain we could conclude that He doesn’t care about timing.  But that’s not the case, He wept with Mary and Martha - He UNDERSTANDS!  If He knows the pain we are experiencing, and still allows it to happen than there must be a purpose.  His timing is purposeful for me and for the glory of God! (v 4) 

Thirdly we see that God is not limited by the time frames and limitations in our lives.  He does things in His own timing and His own way (v 4, 6, 14-15). 

And lastly we see that Jesus has a reason when He doesn't answer us at our beckon and call.  We live in a broken world, we experience pain.  But there is a reason if God hasn’t answered my prayers in my timing.  We want our prayers answered RIGHT NOW, we want to see miracles on our time table.  But God has his own time table.  He is not just the Creator of time, He is the manager of time…He is never early and never late.  He is always right on time.  His timing is ALWAYS PERFECT.