Elijah's Forever Family Day

Today marks one year since Elijah left the orphanage. Some people call it Gotcha Day, and this might be controversial, but I am not a fan of that terminology. Many children who are adopted already feel stolen, or like they were taken against their will, and this terminology only reinforces those feelings. Anyway, that was a side note, but Elijah has been a Williams for a year!!

The first picture is from the third trip, when they picked him up, and the second and third pictures are recent. :)

Can's and Can't Yet's

I've got some lists...

Things I CAN do (that I wasn't able to do on October 16, 2012...not to say that I do them quickly or without adaptation...but I do them):

- breathe on my own

- feed myself

- get in and out of my wheelchair by myself

- wash my face and brush my teeth

- put on my own make-up (except for eyeliner and mascara)

- stay home alone

- stay home alone with Elijah

- dress myself

- make myself coffee

- change diapers (even poopy ones)

- use the microwave to fix E and I meals 

- unload and load the dishwasher 

- clean up after meals

- shave my own armpits and legs

- shower 

- use the bathroom

- crawl

- put on my own earrings

- and more

Things I cannot yet do:

- stand without balance help

- feel my right side

- walk (with a walker) without someone standing by

- get in and out of a car alone 

**Everything listed above has drastically improved

- laundry

- jump, skip, hop, etc

- drive 

Specific prayer requests for healing:

- for complete feeling to return on the right side

- that my balance will improve facilitating standing and walking 

- that these muscle tremors would go away

- tone in my arm, hand, leg and foot would decrease

- pain would decrease

- double vision would go away

- nystagmus would go away

- hearing would improve in right ear

- voice would continue to improve so that I can always be understood...tone, pitch, etc

- that my right hand and shoulder will regain more fine motor skills 

- that my right hand will regain complete mobility 

- increased coordination

- I'm sure there's more but that's all for now

Me walking last November....I don't have a current one, but just picture a lot less adaptation and assistance. Oh yea, and more weight on me (wheelchairs are not good for the figure)...

Bible Verse

"I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me." (Psalm 57:2, ESV)

No Escape

I just wish for a moment of reprieve. What I mean by that is there is just no escape from the effects of the stroke. I can't escape by just watching TV or a movie, my vision (the double vision and nystagmus) is a constant reminder. I can't just go for a run, I can't walk without a walker...I definitely can't run. I can't read a good book or magazine, again, vision. I can't just go take a bath, my balance is terrible so I need help getting in and have to work at staying in a sitting position and not drowning. :) I can't just listen to music, my right arm and foot are in constant pain.

My therapists are always suggesting i do different exercising at home, and while I appreciate that, I can't even just sit and play with my son without feeling guilty that I'm not doing anything towards my recovery.

I say all this not complain, really, as always, I just want to be real. 

No escape. Boo. 

Another "anniversary"

Today marks another anniversary of sorts. A year ago today I was in the ER, not predicted to live. I have been told by many doctors/therapists since that day after hearing what kind of stroke I had or seeing my scans, that I shouldn't be here or that I am very lucky. I beg to differ. I am VERY blessed that God saved my life that day.

But if I am honest I am also feeling...sorrow. Sorrow for what could have been. Sorrow for everything that has been lost.

As I reflect over this past year, I really started thinking. Thinking about the "what ifs", the October 16th's. God does not promise us peace or to ease our anxiety for the what ifs in life. He promises to give us peace for the moment. I am living proof of that. I can't worry about what the future holds or what things that I've missed out on this past year. Something I will need to be reminded of frequently. 

In Isaiah 26:3 (NLT), we find the promise, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, whose thoughts are fixed on You." 

I, again, leave you with a couple of pictures. Several are from about a year ago and another is from here recently. 

A Year Ago...

A year ago today we were in a courtroom in Russia testifying why we thought would be the best parents for little Vanya. A year ago today (pending a 30ish day waiting period) Vanya became Elijah Ivan Williams. A year ago today we officially became Elijah Ivan Williams' Mommy and Daddy. Yay!

I leave you with some pictures that we took on this day..

Hard

I am just so in love with my son. There is no way that I could love him more if he was my biological child. I mean, you hear people say that, but there's nothing like feeling it. He is seriously so smart, funny, cute, helpful, caring, empathetic...I could go on and on. It took us longer to form a connection (due to the stroke) but boy do we have one now. :)

I have thought on several occasions (and that's an understatement) how unfair this stroke was on Elijah. He has to wait for a lot of things, he is in the car a lot, he is still sleeping in a pack and play in our bedroom at night (because I move slowly in the wheelchair and his bedroom is far away and if the house caught on fire I want to be able to get to him)...anyway it's not "fair" to him in a lot of ways but a friend reminded me that God chose me out of all the women in the world to be Elijah's Mommy. There is a reason. She also shared the following quote with me from Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to See" (following the death of her 5 year old adopted daughter, Maria. One paragraph from the book that I want to share with you right now is from a time she is discussing the accident with her other adopted daughters and they are all crying together.):

"Its not fair, I know!" I said. "There are lots of things that don't seem to be fair, and they're so hard. But girls, God has asked us to do hard. It really stinks and I wish we didn't have to, but this is what our family has been called to. If we all stick together, we can do hard."

There isn't anyone I would rather go through hard with, and we are definitely going through hard, than who God has given to me as family.

Glad to be Alive

Just sayin'...

"Lift My Life Up" by Unspoken

You brought me this far
So why would I question you now
You have provided 
So why would I start to doubt
I’ve never been stranded
Abandoned or left here to fight alone hope your leading me home
So I’m giving you control

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way in me
Have your way in me

If peace is a river
Then let it sweep over me
I’m under fire
I know it’s refining me
When I hear you calling out
I follow now wherever the road may go
I know you’re leading me home

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way in me
Have your way in me

Take my life and let it be all for you
Take my life and let it be all for you

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever

All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way with me
Have your way with me

Take my life and let it be all for you.

Letting Go

Letting go is hard and I honestly don't exactly know how to do it. How do you get over:

-Not packing/buying last minute thing/traveling to Russia for the last time/spending planned family time as a family of three in Russia/leaving the orphanage with my son/not saying goodbye and thank you to his caregivers and our facilitators/flying with him for his first plane ride/not being home with him on his first night at home...

- Maybe never flying again (because of the possibility of the cavernous malformation bleeding again)

-Maybe having only one child - not by choice.  

- I could go on and on but won't. 

I know that God gives true freedom. I know that God gives true peace. But I also want to be completely honest. This is hard stuff...