"Wait"

"Wait" by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"

"Wait, You say? Wait!" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?

By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming Your Word."

"My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign."

"And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, as we shall receive.

And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!" 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine,

And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want -- but, you wouldn't know ME."

"You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see."

"You'd never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You'd know that I give and I save ... (for a start),

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart."

"The flow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'

Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss! if I lost what I'm doing in you!"

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see 

that THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME.

And though oft may My answers seem terribly late,

My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

Out of my comfort zone

The past two days have really caused me to commit to get out of my comfort zone. Before the stroke, I had to speak in front of people on average once a week. Now I HATE speaking in front of people. I can't talk fast, people can't understand me when I babble (which is a lot), I choke on my words sometimes. I feel really anxious about it. 

BUT the past two days I have been asked to be in a promo video at church for a Bible Study and to share my (God's) story in Sunday School. Seems like not a big deal, but I am nervous. 

The ONLY reason I have said "yes" to both is because I want to be a willing vessel for God to use. He has given me this story and it is His to use. I just need to ask Him for courage and strength to share it.  

Getting manicures

My sister-in-law (who lives in Denver, but was down for Christmas) and I went to get manicures. I was nervous because it was my first manicure since the stroke, really since my wedding.  :) And it lived up to my fears. 

First, Gimpy (my right hand) wouldn't stay open (it clenches and has little control). He tried several things and then had someone hold it. Then, he asked what happened, which I am fine with, but then ANOTHER lady came over and the three of them proceeded to talk about me/the stroke, I know because "stroke" is the same in English as it is in whatever Asian language they were speaking. To their credit, he could have been explaining "stroke"...it still made me feel weird. THEN, since Gimpy wouldn't stay open, every time they would think she was dry, the paint would get messed up. We finally got to the car only to get 2 more nails messed up. Sigh. Barry and I tried to find matching polish but it ended up looking like this....

Bad picture, sorry. Oh well. I apparently don't get manicures that often anyway. 

Self Esteem

I have an issue. I feel like everyone is looking at me because I am in a wheelchair. I feel like I look very different from pre stroke me, when in actuality I look a lot more like myself than not. I am very self conscious of gimpy, of the tremors, of the way I eat, of the way I talk. To be completely honest, I get food stuck all in my teeth since the stroke (what causes this???), and avoid eating in front of others when at all possible. I am slowly getting over it, but I have a lot more work to do. God loves me and made me to be just as I am. My identity is found in Him. GET OVER IT LISA! 

Peace

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

I am in awe of the peace I've been given. In my quiet time today, God showed me that it was nothing short of His peace that He gave me in the hospital and at rehab. Sure there were tears, peace does not mean there won't be sadness. But there was an assurance that He was, and is, in control. 

I now cannot fathom being in the hospital in the state I was in, or not going to Russia to pick up MY son. But I got through it at the time with a smile on my face. 

I describe the feeling after the stroke as feeling drunk. I believe He used that feeling to protect me and help bring peace. It was that feeling and the trust that He "works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) that got me through it all. God is SO good. 

Beth Moore Quotes

I am listening to "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore and I wanted to share a few quotes that stuck out to me. 

"You are a better person healed, than well." (I LOVE this)

"God entrusted that suffering to you because He trusts you."

"If you belong to Christ, Satan cannot destroy you, he can only make you think you are destroyed."

Preparation

I read the following this morning in "Adopted for Daily Living: A Devotional for Adopting Moms" and it goes along with what I posted about yesterday. 

"God uniquely prepares every single parent to handle what comes through adoption...He absolutely equips you to specifically care for the child He places in your home." (Wendy Willard)

 

He uniquely prepared me to parent Elijah. Even when I feel like being in a wheelchair, with a gimpy, poor vision, etc. are obstacles to being the kind of parent I want to be.... I have to remember that He has prepared me to be exactly the right parent for Elijah. 

How I've Grown

Remembering what God has done in your life is so important. So,I made a chart to show some of the big struggles I have faced in the past, as well as what God has taught me/how I've grown through them. The bottom shows how God is currently using what I've learned/how He has shaped my personality. (I don't know how to include a file/don't have the time to figure it out so I took screenshots.)

Hopefully you can read it. It really was for my benefit so forgive the grammar or things that are listed more than once. 

It is SO cool how He used each struggle to prepare me for the next. Isaiah 64:8 says, "Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." AMEN

"Sovereign Over Us"

I have posted this before, but wanted to share again...

Sovereign Over Us by Aaron Keyes

There is strength within the sorrow, 

There is beauty in our tears 

You meet us in our mourning, 

With a love that casts out fear 

You are working in our waiting, 

Sanctifying us 

When beyond our understanding, 

You're teaching us to trust 

CHORUS 

Your plans are still to prosper, 

You have not forgotten us 

You're with us in the fire and the flood 

Faithful forever, 

Perfect in love 

You are sovereign over us 

You are wisdom unimagined, 

Who could understand your ways 

Reigning high above the heavens, 

Reaching down in endless grace 

You're the Lifter of the lowly, 

Compassionate and kind 

You surround and You uphold me, 

Your promises are my delight 

Even what the enemy means for evil 

You turn it for our good, 

You turn it for our good and for your glory 

Even in the valley You are faithful 

You're working for our good, 

You're working for our good and for your glory

We have land!

We are starting the building process! We close on a lot the end of this month. We have been meeting with builders and our architect every night (except for Wednesday) this week. Once we close on the land we want to start building ASAP. Yippee! This is really happening!