Dishwashers

Dishwashers. They are not made for people in wheelchairs! I practically fall out of my chair every time I open that thing! I have to lean over awkwardly to reach the opposite side and to unload the bottom drawer...I can just barely reach it from the front (it may be slightly dangerous). The silverware is not easy to reach either. I should create a line of...everything. :) 

Pride

Pride. It's an ugly word but a pit so easy to fall into. I am told, "You're so strong" and it's easy to think, "you're right, I am". But I am reminded that it is not in my own strength on days like yesterday. Nothing really happened but Barry found me in tears when he got home. THAT is me. I would be a mess if I did this in my own strength. I love the lyrics in this Plumb song, "Exhale",

Oh God we do not exist for us

But to share Your grace and love

It is ONLY through God that I can sing that. I am thankful for reminders like yesterday to keep my pride in check. 

"Bring The Rain" - MercyMe

"Bring The Rain" - MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you oh Lord
My only shelter from the storms
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Chorus:
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus Bring the Rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Chorus:

(Repeats)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Listen here: http://youtu.be/e8HgAVenbUU

Change in Perspective

The other night, Elijah was in bed with us, and was having a hard time breathing because of a cold. I tried to get him to lay on his side to help with his breathing, but he wasn't having it. I had to turn over (on the side that, since the stroke, I have a difficult time falling asleep on - go figure), prop him up against me and put my arm around him. 

I could have complained that I wasn't getting any sleep, instead, I used that time to pray for others and to thank God that I have Elijah. I have learned (since the stroke, I often have problems falling back asleep when awoken) to pray when you can't sleep. It doesn't do any good to complain, what does good is prayer!

Stand My Ground

  My heart is heavy. There are so many hurting people in this world and it makes my suffering seem trivial. And yet all of it is temporary. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 tells us,"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

God is so good. This is the song that's on as I type.

"O' Lord" by Lauren Daigle

Whoa...

Though at times it seems

Like I'm coming undone

This walk can often feel lonely

No matter what until this race is won

I will stand my ground where hope can be found

I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry

Your love is lifting me above all the lies

No matter what I face this I know in time

You'll take all that is wrong and make it right

You'll take all that is wrong and make it right

Whoa...

Your strength is found

At the end of my road

Your grace it reaches to the hurting

Still through the tears and the questioning why

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry

Your love is lifting me above all the lies

No matter what I face This I know in time

You'll take all that is wrong and make it right

So Right, Right so Right

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

I will stand my ground where hope can be found!

Oh!!! O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my Cry

Your love is lifting me above all the lies

No matter what I face I know that in time

You'll take all that is wrong and make it right

You'll take all that is wrong and make it right

Make it right. Right, so right.

I want to stand my ground until He makes it all right. Thank God we, as believers, have hope that this hurting is only temporary. 

A Gift I Can Add

I was going to write about a song, but this was more pressing. I found a notebook that I had started writing in before the stroke. In it, I was writing my list of blessings/gifts (from the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp). 

I was struck by the fact that every last one I can still enjoy! I have many physical impairments, but none of them impede me from enjoying all the blessings/gifts that I listed! God is SO good! Now THAT is a gift to add to the list. 

Growing

In the song "Blessings" by Laura Story, she says, 

"'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops 
What if Your healing comes through tears 
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near 
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise."

I think about my own life and how true that is. If the stroke had never occurred, my life would obviously be very different.  I have been forced to slow down and reevaluate my priorities. Elijah is given the opportunity to spend a lot of time with and get to know my parents (who technically live in Alaska but have moved down to help full time (mom) and part time (dad - until he retires)). I was able to spend those early months (when my mom was doing all the cooking, laundry, straightening, etc.) soley focused on Elijah. And so much more.  

My relationship with the Lord being at the top. I was saved at a young age and had a decent faith. I had no idea what I was missing. The infertility, miscarriage, adoption journey got me ready to face the stroke. Looking back I can see my faith growing. The stroke REALLY caused me to cry out to Him and it REALLY grew my faith and my relationship with Him. I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

ER Visit

I went to the ER Tuesday night. :( I woke up at 2am with a TERRIBLE headache. I felt obviously very uncomfortable but I had SUCH a feeling of peace. I had gotten out of bed but didn't want to leave the room in case I needed to get Barry. I just sat in my wheelchair and prayed over Barry and Elijah, who happened to be in our bed that night.  

Barry woke up about an hour later and we evidentially decided to go to the ER, in case I was having another stroke. At the hospital, they took me right back and, because of my stroke history, immediately did a scan. While we waited for the results, I again felt peace. Sure, I had cried, but I still felt at peace. The results came back clear - NO NEW BLEED!!! Praise God!! 

People say I'm strong, but I can't stress enough that it's not me that is strong. I get my strength to face each day through Him. I get the peace when facing a possible stroke because of Him. I wish I could tell each of you face to face - IT'S NOT ME…IT'S HIM!! It's that important.