Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I Know You Know

Here is some old school Christian music for you. :) I love the old school songs and I re-found this one the other day. It's so perfect for where I am right now...actually, it's perfect for everyone wherever they are! (This is my first time posting from my phone...so hopefully the formatting looks OK...). Read through the lyrics and enjoy!

"I Know You Know" by Sierra

I can trust and choose Your will for me
Or I can choose to trust my own
But every time I do
I end up on my knees
Longing for Your arms to lift me up

I can take the roads You lead me down
Or I can turn and go my way
But every time I do
I end up on my knees
Longing for Your arms to lift me up

I know You know
Just what I need
I know You have a plan for me
So I'm going to take your lead
And I won't worry what the future holds
'Cause I know You know

I can hear just what You have to say
Or I can hear just what I want
But every time I do
I end up on my knees
Longing for Your arms to lift me up

Lord, You're faithful in everything, everything
You're the rock I'm leaning on

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Surviving the Holidays

What am I doing to survive the holidays? Avoiding family and friend get togethers that involve infants or pregnant people as much as possible. I hate having to do this because I LOVE BABIES with all my heart (and love my family and friends!)…but it is just too painful this year. In past years I have not looked forward to being surrounded by infants that everyone is swooning over but this year I am dreading it with everything in me. After losing our baby…after believing that I would be 8 1/2 months pregnant this Christmas…with 4 newborns being part of one of my family get togethers…I just can’t do it. To all my friends and family…I love you…but I AM going to be avoiding some of you this year. :)

It takes some humility to admit that. (Although does it take away from the humility if I admit that it took humility??) I want to pretend like I’m Super Woman and that I have no problems functioning normally after our loss. It’s hard admitting that some things are just too much to handle. It’s hard having those I love know that I am avoiding them. But I do want to be honest, because my guess, OK it’s not a guess, I KNOW that many of you feel the same way. Loving your family, loving your friends, loving babies but just not wanting to face it all. And you know what? I think that it’s OK to feel that way. I believe that your true friends and family will understand. We don’t have to pretend like we are super human. It’s OK to admit that we can’t handle certain things.

What you might ask is so hard about the Christmas season for those of us who are struggling with infertility and baby loss? Why let me count the ways…The fact that the holiday is all about a baby – songs, stories, decorations – all about a baby, the fact that families get together and you are forced to watch all of the babies and other children wishing you had one to add to the chaos, wishing you could be buying YOUR child Christmas presents and hanging YOUR child’s stocking, getting Christmas cards in the mail every stinkin day full of baby faces and beautiful family portraits while you sent one out with a picture of just you and your husband, Christmas also is apparently a great time for pregnancy announcements, lines of children at every mall waiting to sit in Santa’s lap…I seriously could go on and on. I HATE feeling that way because Christmas is not all about that commercialized mess and I HATE taking away from the true meaning of Christmas…but the fact remains, those feelings are there, those constant reminders are all around and it is hard.

This article from the Creating a Family website is great about how YOU can get through the holidays. I encourage you to check it out if you are a fellow infertile, have lost a baby or really if you are anyone that loves an infertile or someone who has lost a baby. I think it might give you some additional insight on how hard this time of year can be for some of us.

I want each of you to know that you are ALL in my prayers this Christmas season!!

What are YOU doing this Christmas to stay sane??

Monday, December 6, 2010


Trust seems to be a common theme in my life these days.  :)  Not only am I living it, but little devotionals and Bible verses keep popping up everywhere about trusting Him.  The living it part…I am currently on my second cycle of birth control pills.  I was put on them last cycle because my lining was too thick and then after being on them for an entire month I go back and find out that I now have a cyst.  Huh?  Confusion at how I formed a cyst while being on birth control pills…because that shouldn’t happen.  Somehow my body went ahead and ovulated even while being on birth control…which makes no sense, especially for a gal that supposedly has problems ovulating.  Weird, weird, weird.  So, I have a cyst and had to go back on birth control (a different kind this time) to help the cyst subside.  Being on birth control while desperately trying to have a child is not my idea of a good time, but guess what…I have to trust Him.  For whatever reason the Lord is allowing this to happen.  If it was His timing that we would start back with fertility treatments and get pregnant this cycle…then it would have happened.  It didn’t happen that way though, so I choose to trust that He has it all worked out. 

I find it strange, and yet not strange at all knowing the peace that the Lord gives, that I am at peace with being on the pill for the second month in a row.  I am SO beyond ready to have a baby in my arms, my baby, but feel incredibly at peace with being “on hold” for now.  God is good.

Following the theme of trust, I found this little tidbit on Alicia’s blog.  It is from a devotional book called “Jesus Calling”. 

"Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without my help. This is a subtle sin- so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.

The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help, Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently."

TRUST.  He’s got this under control.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Stepping Stones Holiday Edition

I don’t know how many of you receive the Stepping Stones newsletter, but if not, I recommend them!  Stepping Stones is a Christ centered ministry that is a program of Bethany Christian Services and is aimed at offering couples support through infertility and pregnancy loss.  Check them out here and sign up for the free newsletters!  Anyway, they sent a special holiday issue out this year and I wanted to share.  Check it out here.  I have another article about getting through the holidays that I will be sharing soon…

Monday, November 29, 2010

Christmas Card 2010

Merry (Early) Christmas Blogging World!!!

Faith Hope Love Religious
Unique party invitations and greeting cards by Shutterfly.
View the entire collection of cards.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Giving Thanks

Seeing as though Thanksgiving is TOMORROW (how did that happen by the way?) I thought this was an appropriate devotional to share.  This is an excerpt from my devotional a few weeks ago about giving thanks…

Girlfriends in God - Mary Southerland 

Psalm 138:2 "I will give thanks to your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness, because your promises are backed by all the honor of your name."

“Are there times when you don't feel like praising God? Honestly, our feelings are irrelevant when it comes to praising God. Praise is not about us. Praise is all about God. Praise is a deliberate choice and a learned habit that produces contentment and an attitude of gratitude.

In Philippians 4:11, the Apostle Paul writes, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." In this verse, "learned" means to be "educated by experience" and the word "content" means "contained." Paul's contentment was the result of the resources contained in his heart. In other words, Paul used his circumstances as tutors in the school of praise. He learned how to give God praise even when he was beaten, ridiculed, in prison and facing his own death. Paul's attitude did not reflect his circumstances. Paul made a deliberate choice to praise God - no matter what. Why? Because Paul knew that even when he did not understand God's process, he could trust God's heart.

When we are discouraged, praise reminds us that there is hope in God.

When we are afraid, praise reminds us that no matter what happens, God is with us.  

When we are lost, praise reminds us that God has already been where He is leading us. 

When we are confused, praise reminds us that heaven is not in a panic.”


I choose to praise Him and give thanks today!  What about you??

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This and That

I find myself at times detaching from the internet blogging world because it is easier…I don’t want my life to go back to being consumed with infertility 24 hours a day, part of me is sick of having my personal business for the world to see, it is difficult watching those who have been “here” with me previously move on to birthing children, even blogging itself is a reminder of what we have lost and how far we still have to go…I don’t know.  It is easier to live life sometimes not blogging and commenting all of the time, if that makes any sense.  I think you have to do whatever it is to function and get through each day, and detaching a little bit is how I am coping right now.  That is not to say that I don’t daily pray for each of you, and still read up on your posts but I don’t feel like I can be as involved as I once was right now.  I don’t know if that makes any sense…

I still experience reminders every single day of what I so desperately want and have lost.  Before we became pregnant I was jealous of pregnant bellies and mothers with young babies…now it just makes me so sad.  Unless you have lost a child I don’t think you can fully understand the depth of the sadness, sometimes it feels so consuming. 

One example of those daily reminders…We had the nursery on Sunday and a little girl told me she was getting a baby from Santa.  Then she excitedly asked me, “Is Santa bringing you a baby for Christmas??”  Consuming sadness.

I normally love love love Christmas time.  Getting out the decorations and Christmas music normally brings me such joy I can’t wipe the smile off of my face, but not the case this year.  We got the Christmas decorations out this past weekend (I know it is early, but it was then or never) and I was so not in the Christmas spirit.  It was a chore putting them up and even now that they are up they aren’t bringing me joy like they have every other year of my 28 years on this earth.  I was supposed to be 7 weeks away from giving birth this year at Christmas, opening presents for my baby, buying a new DSLR camera to capture all of those upcoming happy baby moments, but instead I won’t be doing any of that.  Christmas is just another painful reminder of what we have lost.  Consuming sadness.

I don’t mean for this post to be depressing, but I want you to know my heart.  That is where I am, that is how I feel, that is what I am thinking.  There it is.  My devotional the other day was on transparency.  It said this…

“Transparency is being willing to let others see who we really are and what is really going on in our heart and life. In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, the Apostle Paul writes, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." In other words, comfort and encouragement are cyclical.

When I choose to be transparent about my struggle with [infertility and loss], I position myself to receive and give comfort and encouragement to others fighting that same battle. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? It is - if we choose to be transparent.”

So, here I am being transparent.  It is hard to let yourself be so vulnerable, but I have learned through this period of my life it is the best option.  Hopefully, through being transparent, by sharing our struggles, the Lord will bring healing.

There is hope.  Even through the consuming sadness -especially through the consuming sadness, even when it is hard to even blog or to read others blogs, even with the painful daily reminders of what we have lost…God is still holding me…He is still holding YOU.  He will never let us go, He will never leave us alone, He will never give us more than we can handle – if we place our trust and our hope in Him.  In the words of Babbie Mason (lyrics from “Trust His Heart”), “So when you don't understand, When you don't see His plan, When you can't trace His hand, Trust His heart.”  God will work out all of the details, all I have to do is TRUST HIM to do so.  Sounds so simple and yet it so hard to live out every day…

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

iPod Faith

My friend Jamie sent me this little devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries…enjoy!

November 1, 2010 by Marybeth Whalen

"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truths and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5 (NIV)

When I was a kid, I had tapes of the music I liked. When I was in college, I had CDs. The point was, when I liked a song, I had to buy the whole tape or CD to get that song.

Sometimes you could buy the cassette single and sometimes you could get lucky enough to tape it from the radio. (Anyone else remember sitting by the radio waiting to catch your favorite song so you could hit record?) But for the most part, you had to buy the whole enchilada.

A funny thing happened when you bought the whole tape or CD, though. Not always, but a lot of the time you found other songs you liked by that artist. Your eyes were opened to other possibilities. (Hang on... I am going somewhere with this...) You discovered a song that you felt like no one else knew about but you because you didn't hear it on the radio. It became personal because it wasn't popular. It was what you found when you were looking for something else.

Now music has changed. One of my kids hears a song and within moments they can get online and have it downloaded to their iPod for $1. No trip to the mall with your hard-earned money, no waiting for your mom to have time to drive you. Just a few clicks and press play. And you also don't have to buy anything you didn't want or know about. You just got what you wanted, when you wanted it. It has revolutionized the music industry. But is it necessarily better that way?

I spent time last week going back through old songs I loved, many of which were songs that were never popular, that most people never heard of. I found them because I had bought the whole tape of some band's latest release. I like them so much because they weren't popular, therefore they didn't get overplayed. They felt mine.

How often I want my faith the way I want my iPod—instant gratification without having to wade through the unknowns. I want what I want when I want it. Point click and play. I don't want God to require me to buy the whole album—to deal with the parts I don't know or like, to take the time to listen to things I might not want to hear.

And yet, I gained a lot from wading through the stuff I never would have tried without being forced. There were unexpected treasures to be found, surprises I ended up valuing more than what I originally set out to find. I wanted to be a mother but I didn't want the sleepless nights and being stretched to the point of breaking. I wanted to be married but I didn't want to learn how to get along with another person day in and day out, to discover what sacrifice really means. I wanted to be a novelist but I didn't want to have to work so hard to make it happen. I wanted to lose weight but I didn't want to exercise daily or control my cravings. I wanted what I wanted, and God used those desires to build my character along the way, and draw me closer to Him in the process.

Call me old school (you wouldn't be the first) but I don't want an iPod faith. Just because it's more convenient or faster doesn't mean it's the best way. Sometimes being open to what you weren't expecting is the best way to find what you were looking for all along.

Dear Lord, help me to remember when You ask me to wait it is for my best. Help me to trust in the process You're taking me through. And help me remember that You are on the other side of every trial, waiting with a new perspective, a new vision, a new hope. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

What are some things God has required you to go through that you would have chosen to skip if you could? Are you grateful for them now?

Power Verses:
Psalm 31:3, "Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me." (NIV)

Psalm 143:8, "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (NIV)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Strong in the Broken Places

This is an excerpt from the Girlfriends in God devotional from awhile back…

By Mary Southerland

“I find it interesting that all through life, the greatest strength is forged in broken places.

God is not committed to our comfort. God is committed to creating His character within us.

Suffering comes in many ways, but always with the purpose of making us strong enough to endure pain and weak enough to rely upon God.

Hope follows pain because pain forces us to trust God and rely upon His power to mend a broken life. It is in that abandonment to God that we find hope.  "We know that these troubles produce patience.  And patience produces character, and character produces hope." (Romans 5:3-4

Difficult [times] and the brokenness they bring can make us either bitter or better. It is our choice. We can insist on comfort and forfeit character or we can embrace the brokenness, knowing that God will use it for our good.”


Enough said. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Blah Appointments

We were in Mobile yesterday for our hematologist and RE appointments and I honestly feel like it was pointless to even go down there.  The hematologist had no new information for us…basically telling us that absolutely nothing is proven with the MTHFR gene mutation causing repeat pregnancy loss.  It’s a gray area, it’s controversial, there haven’t been convincing studies, etc.  She basically said “take a baby aspirin each day just in case that helps anything”, but there is no convincing evidence that the MTFHR mutation really has any effect on pregnancy outcomes.  Well that’s lovely, thanks for taking my money for that.  :)

At our RE appointment, he went over our hefty file with us and basically told us that we would proceed with the same protocol as we used last time since it “worked”, getting us pregnant (Follistim, Ovidrel, IUI, etc.).  The only difference would be changing my prenatal vitamin and taking a baby aspirin every day. We are free to proceed whenever we are ready.

It was just a very blah kind of day though.  It was dreary and cloudy and rainy outside, exactly how we felt on the inside.  I was not one bit excited to be back in Mobile.  I had not wanted to come back for a very long time and it was hard being there again.  It was hard having to go back to the RE and being back at square one in a sense, exactly where we were a year ago when we first came to his office.  Without any real answers about what is going on.  I feel like we have made progress towards taking home a baby in the past year since seeing him and yet I feel more scared than I did a year ago when we first met him.  I feel like we have some “answers” and yet no doctor is convinced that they are “answers”.  I feel helpless to “fixing” anything that could possibly go wrong again and mad at myself for worrying about the “what if’s” because this is the Lord’s battle to be fighting, not mine.  I just have to trust and relax that He is in control…yet, I do have to be an advocate for myself too.  I am scared to proceed with treatments and yet so ready all at the same time.

Sorry my thoughts are all over, but it’s where my brain is right now.  So that’s where we stand.  Ready to proceed, if my body is ready to proceed, whenever.  I go in to my OB Friday to check on everything to see where my body stands.  We will just go from there…

Monday, November 1, 2010

Recent Travels and More…

It’s been awhile since I have uploaded pictures on here, but we have been on many a trips and just had a bunch of stuff going on the past month that I need to document!  :)

DSC03215First off was a trip to Birmingham to visit my mom and dad who were in town for a couple of weeks and then on to see my brother, David, and his girlfriend, Emily, in Starkville, MS. Go Bulldogs!  (Only when they aren’t playing Alabama…)

IMG_0334 While we were in Starkville we had to stop at Bop’s - THE BEST CUSTARD IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

DSC03219Me and my mommy on another trip to Greenville, South Carolina.  I LOVE that city!

DSC03248 Asheville, NC at the Biltmore…it was BEAUTIFUL!  It is the biggest house in the US and is over 170,000 square feet with 250 rooms!

DSC03228 My cute parents

DSC03249A view from one of the balconies at the Biltmore

DSC03262Later in October, I drove down to Florida to meet up with Becky from Day by Day!  She was one of the first bloggers I ever followed and the first blogger I have gotten to meet!  She was in the south for a week and we were able to meet up and have lunch one day…we could have talked for hours!!!  It was GREAT getting to meet her!!

DSC03266 Here we are at the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, “Walk to Remember”.

IMG_0345I am SO blessed to have great co-workers that I enjoy being around!!  Every year we have a staff retreat, normally at the beach, this year it was at Lay Lake.  We rented a BEAUTIFUL house and all 18 of us got to hang out for three days.  We got a lot of work done, but were also able to go on a boat ride, play tons of games, grill out…and learn a lot about each other.  :)


DSC03277 Then of course there was Halloween!  Halloween is HUGE in our neighborhood.  Last year we counted around 400 trick-or-treaters (we bought a lap counter for that purpose) and this year we probably had about the same.  We had a fun time with friends and the rest of Dothan!  :)

DSC03280 Here is Barry in his costume…can you guess what he is??  He and one of our friends dressed up as Nuclear Cleanup Workers…the kids did NOT get it, although they were told several times that they had awesome costumes.  Silly boys…


I think that is all for now!  I am all caught up with my picture posting on this here blog.  :) 

We have our hematologist and RE appointments on Wednesday in Mobile and I am really looking forward to meeting with both doctors and figuring out where they recommend that we go from here.  Please be praying for us that we will know where GOD wants us to go from here.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

“Hallelujah” by Heather Williams

This is a song Barry discovered this weekend.  I love the song and there is such meaning behind it.  Heather Williams lost her baby when he was an infant and this song came after that loss when she was really having a heart to heart with the Lord.  She says in an interview about the meaning behind the song, “I wasn’t mad at God and I wasn’t questioning God…but I had really made a decision to keep an open dialog with God….God likes that relationship.  The cry of hallelujah means [even in this broken place], I’m still going to say I love you, I’m still going to glorify you in anything and everything.  Through all of that I can stand because of God.”  I encourage you to listen to her story here

She is so right!!  We can’t hide our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions from the Lord…He already knows!!  He wants us to have open dialogue with Him, even when we are angry and upset and sad.  He can take it!  He wants us to talk to Him and to be open with Him about how we are really feeling.  And through it all He will always love us.  We can always sing Hallelujah because He is always holding us, always leading us, and will never leave us.  Hallelujah!! 

“Hallelujah” by Heather Williams

Jesus, please come
please come today
hear me
heal me
be near me I pray

I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
I stumble and fall
but in spite of it all
your love always stays the same


Jesus, please come
please come today
break me
mold me
use me I pray

but don't give up on me now
I'm so close to you now
I'm in need of your grace today
wipe the dirt off my face
hold me in your embrace
your love always saves the day


I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today

Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah amen

On my knees here I fall
in spite of it all

And though it seems hard
I'm still trusting you Lord

You can listen to the song here

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Adding a Hematologist to the mix

I heard from my RE a couple of days ago.  He called at 6:30pm still working away at the office.  My OB’s office had faxed him my results and he wanted to discuss them with me...one of the only times I have been called from that office without me initiating the contact! He told me that he does not believe this MTHFR mutation is the cause of my miscarriages.  Through our own MTHFR research (including tons of advice from you guys – thanks!) and after talking to him, we have learned that basically this gene mutation can cause problems with your body metabolizing folic acid, which is obviously very important during pregnancy.  It can also cause blood clotting, also not a good thing while pregnant.  Some doctors have just began testing for this mutation while other doctors still do not test for it.  Research is still being conducted and some sources say that the mutation definitely causes repeat miscarriages, other sources say there is not a direct connection.  The problem is is that no one knows…and that is so frustrating!  If we found something that was definitely the cause, that had a proven “treatment” it would make this a teeny bit easier.  But the not knowing is so annoying.  If we “treat” this it may or may not solve anything.  Grrr.

Back to the conversation I had with the RE. He said that he thinks the best plan of action will be to begin taking a new prenatal vitamin that contains the active form of folic acid, so that my body will not have to metabolize it.  The vitamin is called Neevo and on the bottle it is described as “medical food”.  I thought that was quite funny for some reason…he also said that I should begin taking a baby aspirin a day and possibly go on heparin if and when we get pregnant again to prevent blood clotting.  Another recommendation was to not see the genetics counselor but instead to see a hematologist in Mobile who has done research on this gene mutation.  (I haven’t cancelled that appointment yet though in case we decide to still see the genetics counselor after talking to the hematologist.)  I like that idea…we will be sticking to 2 cities and she specializes in it!  After many a phone calls to my OB and RE, we were able to get an appointment set up with the hematologist for the week after next!  MUCH sooner than the genetics counselor!  We will also see the RE on the same day after we have met with the hematologist to discuss our plan of action. 

So, over all I guess I am feeling a little bit better about it all.  Still not excited :) but glad we are getting some answers and will be talking to someone who knows about the MTHFR gene mutation soon.  I just have to trust God that He’s got this under control!!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Tears and faith

Overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, sad, hopeless, frustrated, annoyed, mad, tired, crushed, heartbroken…

These are all words that express how I am feeling right now.  We had our follow up appointment with my OB today to discuss our lab work and here is what they found.

1.  The baby was a girl.  I am so glad that we were able to find out but my heart breaks more and more when I think about our little girl that we never got to meet this side of Heaven.  It makes it seem even more real and even more sad, if that is even possible.  I can’t stop crying.  The genetic testing came back normal.

2.  Barry’s lab work looked fine.

3.  Everything from my lab work came back in normal ranges except for part of the DNA analysis, which was definitely on my list of things I did not want to hear.  I have a single mutation (c677T)  in the MTHFR gene.  I’m not going to begin to try to explain it on here because I really don’t understand it all.  (Any information from those of you who might have this would be appreciated??)  My Dr. didn’t have much information for us except that he doesn’t see many cases of it and he wants to refer us to a genetic counselor.  Crushed.  He said that he is not telling us that we cannot get pregnant and carry a baby full term but he just isn’t the expert and wants to get a genetic doctor on board.  If and when we get pregnant again we would be followed by this doctor throughout the pregnancy.  We have been doing some research since we got home and I don’t know how to feel about it.

On one hand it’s good that they found something so that we have a starting point of what to try to “fix”.  On the other hand I reallly didn’t want to hear that Barry or I had some type of genetic issue.  Especially one that they don’t know that much about.  I am so aggravated that we are having to get yet another doctor involved, as I was already having enough trouble juggling 2 doctors in 2 cities.  Now we are adding a 3rd in yet another city.  OB in Dothan, RE in Mobile and Geneticist (or whatever he is) in Birmingham.  In case you aren’t familiar with Alabama geography, none of those cities are close together.  Each is about 3-4 hours away from each other.  PLUS I couldn’t get an appointment until the end of November!!  I am so frustrated that we don’t live in a city that offers the doctors that we need.  I keep reminding myself that we are blessed to have somewhat flexible work schedules though and dependable vehicles to get us to each doctor.

I am so angry that not only do we have multiple issues that contribute to us GETTING pregnant but we have issues KEEPING us pregnant.  Issues that doctors may or may not be able to help us with.  Issues that could prevent us from ever having biological children.  Issues that could cause us to have more miscarriages.  Issues that don’t go away without God intervening big time.

Today is just one of those days that I can’t be positive, I can’t smile, I can’t look on the bright side, I can’t stop crying.  I am just tired, so tired of all of this.  I wish that there was an end in sight and I am heart broken that there just isn’t.  I keep running back to the one thing I know is true though.  My hope and happiness are not to be found in what the world has to offer.  I have to place all of that in His loving and capable hands and trust that He knows best.  I have to “Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10.  I just came across this quote and I think it explains this scripture best… 

“So as your world crumbles around you, the call from Scripture is: don’t flinch in faith in God. Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know about God.

It is “God’s past” that provides calm for “our future.” Know that he is God! Know it, not merely intellectually, but practically, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth and the all-powerful Creator of the Universe.

If you are the last man or woman standing, be still. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do change” (Psalm 46:1-2a). Hallelujah!”


Message to myself today…Be still and know that God is still in control.

Friday, October 15, 2010

A Day to Remember…

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. In 1988, President Ronald Regan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.   Later, October 15th became recognized as the day to promote support, education and awareness for grieving parents nationwide.  According to a 2004 report conducted by the CDC, in 2000, 15.6% of pregnancies in the United States ended in either a miscarriage or stillbirth. 

There are so many mothers and fathers (and others touched by their losses) that are grieving the loss of their babies - today and every day.  Many of these families are suffering in silence.  Please take a moment with me to remember all of these lost lives and and to pray for all of those hurting parents throughout our nation and the rest of the world.  The pain never goes away…some things get easier as time passes, but the hurt, the lost dreams, the memories will always be there. 

I thank the Lord for the short time that we had with our little babies and for the knowledge that we will get to meet them one day.  I wish we had had longer, but we are so blessed to have had the time that we did.

Today, I have spent much time in prayer for Barry and I, for many of you, and for those men and women that I do not know who are also hurting.  I pray for peace, for strength to get through each day, for hope…Tomorrow, we are participating in A Walk to Remember here in Dothan.  I am looking forward to meeting other men and women who have lost their babies while remembering their short lives.

I appreciate all of the support and encouragement from each of you throughout this time in our lives.  I thank the Lord every day for each of you.  Thanks for remembering with us!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Bible verse of the day

from Pray Date: Where Angels' Mommies Meet

Lamentations 3:22-26

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Monday, October 4, 2010


I am not really sure what to write about. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head and no logical way to organize them. Maybe I should bullet a few of my thoughts for the day.

- I still have not gone one day since our baby’s Heaven Birthday without tearing up, crying or completely losing it.

- I thought infertility was hard. Ha. Losing a baby on top of infertility is torture. Either one is difficult, but both of them…There are so many layers to the grieving. You are grieving over the loss of the baby and you are grieving over the fact that you tried for so long for that baby and you don’t know when or if you will get that opportunity again. I can’t just go pop out another baby like some people…And truth be told, that wouldn’t help anyway because I miss THAT particular baby.

- I am so happy for my many friends who have recently found out that they are pregnant or who are currently pregnant but words can’t express the pain that it also brings. Two of my best friends are due two weeks after I would have been due and it hurts so much. We should be celebrating pregnancy milestones together, celebrating our baby’s birthday’s together…and here I am back at square one with more pain than I know how to express.

- I AM blessed to have been able to experience pregnancy, to know with certainty that my two babies are waiting for me in heaven, to have supportive friends (even the pregnant ones), to have a great family...

- Getting your period after a D&C isn’t fun. It only reminds you of what you no longer have.

- I struggle with what to tell people because I don’t want to make people feel awkward. When someone says “do you have any children?” What do you say? Do you tell them “yes, I have 2 babies in Heaven”?

- I am annoyed at fertile people.

- Some days I just wish I had no filter and could tell people what I really think. I wish I could respond to people’s Facebook status’s or comments in the way that I really feel. I wish I could tell some people to shut up. I wish there was a way to make them really understand what we are going through. But that is just evil fleshy Lisa. I NEVER would REALLY want someone to experience the pain we have. I just want them to understand.

- I love being part of this infertility/baby loss community but it is also hard. As much as I want all of my blogger friends to have happy take home babies - I truly, truly do - I also want that to be me. I would like to put in a request that no one else get pregnant or birth a child before I do. Thanks. :) (FYI...through God's grace my love for each of you wins out over mean Lisa though. I still pray every day that God will bless each of you with healthy pregnancies and healthy babies...even if that happens to you before it happens to me. I promise.)

- I am glad that God knows all of my ugly, selfish, mean thoughts and still loves me!!!

That’s all for now…maybe I will expound on some of those later…aren’t you lucky. :)

Friday, October 1, 2010

Where are we going from here update…

I have gotten the question from several people, “what is the next step?”  And honestly…who knows.  :)  I had my follow up appointment at my OB on Tuesday and he said that I am physically healing well.  I am still in pain when I push myself at all working out and when we engage in extracurricular activities, if you know what I mean.  :)  He said that this is normal and might continue for a few more weeks while my uterus continues to heal. 

We did choose to do chromosomal testing on the baby, and surprise, they haven’t gotten those results back yet (they have to do the testing in Birmingham).  He was about to send me away when I asked him if we could begin some testing on Barry and I to see if we can find the cause of what’s going on here since it was my 2nd miscarriage (the first was back in March, an early loss miscarriage).  After I asked he agreed to start some blood work…but why in the world did he not suggest this without me having to advocate for myself??  I love my doctor, but I know they are all so busy and just don’t THINK sometimes.

My OB’s office contacted my RE’s office (without me ever asking) and they got on the same page regarding what blood tests we needed to have run.  I went back in on Wednesday morning (because I had to be fasting) and had 14 vials…yes, really…14! of blood drawn.  Barry went in yesterday afternoon and had 1 vial drawn.  Where is the fairness here??  They will be testing for a whole gamete of things (from autoimmune disorders to thyroid issues to chromosomal abnormalities to insulin levels) and we will have a follow up appointment in a few weeks to discuss the findings.  Maybe then we will have a better idea of what our next step will be.

I am pretty darn worried to be honest.  I know of many people who have had recurrent pregnancy loss testing and they have been able to find something and “treat” it to be able to sustain a future pregnancy.  But then there is also a chance they will find something genetically “wrong” with Barry or I and not be able to do anything about it.  Ignorance is bliss and I unfortunately am not ignorant in this area. 

I read in my devotional yesterday, “Every opportunity to worry is also an opportunity to trust Him.”  This moment I choose trust over worry and I will need to remind myself of this approximately 2 million times each and every day.  :)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


A blogger friend shared this with me a few weeks ago and I absolutely love it.  I wanted to share it with you guys and I hope that it will bless each of you as it did me.



Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

~Author Unknown

Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bible verses of the day

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth…” Psalm 40:1-3a

Monday, September 27, 2010

We Are ALL Spiritual 1 Year Olds…

My friend Courtney gave me this awesome illustration the other day.  But before I tell you what it is I want to give you an update on her little baby (she is the one that the Dr. found a neural tube defect on her little one)…the last ultrasound showed HUGE improvements!  It now appears that her (it’s a girl!  Harper Kate!) little brain has a cyst on the cerebellum.  This is causing swelling and her ventricles are bigger than they want to see.  So she still needs lots and lots of prayers but it is no longer a death sentence!  God is beginning to work a miracle in little Harper Kate’s life!  Thank you for the prayers! 

Now on to the illustration…A man from church shared this story with her from his personal experience…


This father had to bring his 1 1/2 year old son to the hospital because he was very sick.  The nurse was having a hard time getting an IV in the little boy’s hand and had to keep calling nurse after nurse to keep trying.  The little boy was obviously in pain and he kept looking up at his daddy with the face that says “Daddy, why are you letting this happen to me??  It hurts!  Make them stop!” The father was so upset watching his son go through this pain but he KNEW that the ultimate goal was in his son’s best interest.  Because the little boy was only 1 1/2 the father could not explain to him in terms that the little boy could understand WHY this pain was for his own good.  The father had the power to stop the pain but that would not have brought about the best end results. 

We are just like that 1 1/2 year old!!  We are experiencing pain in this life and as our Heavenly Daddy holds us we are asking Him, “Why God, Why this pain??  You can stop it at any point if you want to!!”  But because we simply cannot understand the mind of God, He can’t explain to us why this pain is for our good and ultimately His glory.  He cannot explain to us why He allowed certain things to happen in our lives.  We simply would not be able to comprehend the big picture as He sees it.  He hurts along with us but KNOWS that there is a bigger plan than what we can see. 


Isn’t that neat?  I really like looking at it that way…and as frustrating as it is, aren’t we glad that we can’t completely understand the ways of our Lord?  If we could, then how would He be any greater than us?

Isaiah 55:9 “For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Ecclesiastes 11:5 “As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of the Lord, the Maker of all things.”

Friday, September 24, 2010

Daily Bible Verse and Thought

This was my Daily Bible verse of the day, courtesy of Heartlight.

VERSE:                                                                       “Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. -- Hebrews 10:35-36

There are some tough times that go with living. They're
inescapable. That's when our confidence in the Lord's salvation and our relationship with him get tested! It is one thing to sing "it is well with my soul" at the end of a peel-the-paint and raise-the-roof worship service, but it is quite another to be able to sing it when they auction your house off at the courthouse steps, you are told you have a long-term debilitating illness, or you lose a child to death. Faith can't take a holiday when we travel through the suburbs of hell or we'll never find our way out. So don't throw it away. Persevere! Keep putting one foot in front of the other trusting that God will give you the strength for the next step. No matter how hard it is at the moment, don’t give up to despair. Be like Job or Jeremiah who both argued and complained to God, but never let go of God. Don't quit. Christ is coming for you with grace and in glory. His return is just around the bend and could break into our world at any time.

Holy and Almighty God, I am profoundly aware that some of those I love are close to throwing away their confidence in your love, mercy, grace, peace, and deliverance. Please use me to encourage them. Even more, dear Father, I ask that you use your Holy Spirit to renew their hearts. I pray that you intervene directly to change the course of events and give them relief and make your gracious presence known to them. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Night of Joy 2010

We were in Orlando the weekend before last for Night of Joy and I am so very very glad that we went.  We had bought our tickets to the event several months ago and in light of the recent events we debated not going but decided it would be good to get out of the house.  And it really was exactly what we needed.  It was so nice to have a change of scenery, a reason to get dressed and put on make-up each day, etc.

Night of Joy is a huge Christian music concert that takes place at Magic Kingdom every year.  This years headliners…David Crowder Band, Chris Tomlin, Casting Crowns, Sidewalk Prophets, Tenth Avenue North, Thousand Foot Krutch, Third Day, MercyMe…there were a ton more acts, but those were the bigger name bands.  The concerts were from 7pm-1am on Friday and Saturday, and they even kept the entire park open the whole night!  So you could listen to some music, ride a ride, listen to more music, etc.  They also had a local Christian radio station playing over the speakers throughout the whole park.  It was awesome!

(Except for the two newborns…I mean they seriously could have come straight from the hospital…that camped out right next to us during one of the concerts. That wasn’t my favorite moment of the weekend.  Nor was the fact that every other billboard (almost literally) along a probably 200 mile stretch in Florida said “Are you pregnant” or “Pregnant?  Your baby’s heart is already beating” etc. etc.  I don’t know if there is a high rate of abortion in Florida or what but it really was crazy.  I had noticed it before on previous Orlando or Miami trips but this time it was another constant reminder that I was NOT pregnant.) 

Anyway, back to my story…I went into it thinking it would mostly be a cool concert, but it was such a worshipful experience!  It was really a cool experience to be in a place like that with thousands of other believers worshipping our Lord!  Here are some pictures of our well needed weekend away…

DSC03064 Ahhh…it doesn’t matter how many times I come here I always light up when I walk into the Magic Kingdom.  I am a child at heart.  :)

DSC03071 Riding Big Thunder Mountain Railroad…notice the hair already up in a ponytail within 30 minutes of getting to the park.  It is still in the high 90’s with crazy humidity down here in the silly south.

DSC03079 Waiting for the concerts to start!

DSC03092  Stuck in jail with this scary creature!  The Buzz Lightyear ride is one of our favorites…I think we rode it 3 or 4 times.  :)


The picture everyone gets at Magic Kingdom, in front of Mickey!  Decked out in our Bama gear for day #2!

DSC03109One of the stages was right in front on the castle.  It changed colors throughout the night.  Beautiful in my opinion.  :)  The only thing that makes the Magic Kingdom better is going at Christmas time when there are white lights all over the castle and throughout the park!

DSC03102 My hubby watching the play by play of the Bama game on his phone while we wait in line for a 3-D movie.  :)

DSC03122 In motion picture on Space Mountain…The first time we rode this ride I caught myself laughing and smiling really big on the ride and it felt almost wrong to be smiling and laughing and having fun, but it felt so good at the same time if that makes any sense. 

By the way, they have recently renovated Space Mountain and they now have games you can play while waiting in line!  It was very cool.

DSC03133Day #3 - This was my breakfast at SeaWorld…a yummy chocolate covered ice cream Shamu.  :)  Sugar Busters where are you??

DSC03134 At the dolphin and whale show at Sea World.  Our camera survived this one but almost bit the dust at the Shamu show.  It got soaked…and will never be quite the same again, but at least it recovered enough to still function!


We will definitely be going to Night of Joy again!  Anyone want to come with us next year?!?!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

1 Month Ago…

Our baby’s Heaven Birthday was one month ago today.  4 weeks and 1 day ago I felt the baby move.  And the very next day our world came crashing down on us.  It is so surreal to think about what we have been through the past month and the fact that we have been without our sweet baby for the same amount of time.  In some ways it seems like the time has flown by and in other ways it seems like it has been the longest month of my life.  Today, although I am still so sad, I choose to be joyful that my baby has been with Jesus for an entire month.  I choose to place my hope in the Lord and the promise that I will be there one day too.  I choose to trust that our Heavenly Father is holding me and guiding my steps as I go through my day today and every day.  I choose to believe that there will be better days ahead.  I choose to have faith that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28.

Monday, September 20, 2010

“Glory Baby” by Watermark

I know I have been posting a lot of songs in the past few weeks, but God has really been speaking to me and comforting me through music lately.  I seem to always have some song running through my head these days.  It makes me feel closer to Him and not alone in my feelings.  There are so many people hurting out there, regardless of the situation, and these songs are reminders that we are not alone in our hurt. 

My friend Lindsay passed this song on to me and it brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it…definitely my favorite right now.  Get your tissues ready.  The song makes me cry a lot from sadness but mostly because I know that I will get to meet my baby one day.  My favorite quote from the song is, “But baby let sweet Jesus hold you ‘till mom and dad can hold you…”  Thank you Jesus for holding my baby until I can get there!!!


“Glory Baby” by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…


You can listen to the song here.  (It is a version performed by someone else, not Watermark, but I couldn’t find the entire Watermark version on the internet.  You can download it on iTunes though!)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

“Let the Waters Rise” by Mikeschair

This song is one that I have heard a million times but has taken on new meaning the past few weeks.  The lyrics were brought to my attention (because remember half of the time I just sing along with songs without really hearing what the song is saying.  So it REALLY is God getting me to listen to the lyircs when I post songs on here!!) by a new friend and blog reader…


“Let the Waters Rise” by Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand


God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You
God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Listen to it here

Friday, September 17, 2010

“No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts

Wow, this song is popping up everywhere!  I heard it on Monday as I was responding to a fellow blogger’s post on trust.  Her post was about how “interruptions are opportunities to trust God.”  I was about to reply and the song on the radio caught my ear and it was exactly what her post was about.  Trust.  Then I saw it on another blog that I follow, then I saw it on Facebook, then I got it emailed to me by an IF friend – all since Monday!  Sooo I had planned on posting it soon, but I guess I need to do it right now!  :)

I LOVE the lyrics and have listened to it NON stop since hearing it Monday.  It is my heart’s cry…every word of it.  Please read through the lyrics and let them wash over you.


“No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts

I'm running back to your promises one more time
Lord that's all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what

When I'm stuck and there's nothing else by myself
I'm just sitting in silence
There's no way I can make it without Your help
I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God, You are my hope
And You will be my strength

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what

Anything I don't have You can give it to me
But it's okay if You don't, I'm not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I'm gonna need You

No matter what I'm gonna love you
No matter what I'm gonna need you
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what
No matter, no matter what

You can listen to the song here.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Baby Williams – Belly Pics

And here are the belly pics…

Week 6     Week 6

Week 12 Week 12

Week 14 Week 14

I had to change tank tops at the 14 week mark as you can see because the white one was no longer fitting.  I gained about 10 pounds during this pregnancy, partially because since I was so nauseous all of the time I ate whatever sounded good and of course none of it was sugar buster friendly.  My favorites…French fries, bagels with honey walnut cream cheese from Atlanta Bread, and pizza.  So the weight was gained…but my Dr. was proud of me!  :)

Now however, it makes things a bit difficult because I have 10 pounds of “baby weight” to lose with no baby to show for it.  I am still having to wear some maternity pants (the pregnancy look of my belly is gone but there is still extra weight there) and my body has in general just changed shapes on me.  I have gone up AT LEAST a full bra size too.  All of my clothes are fitting strangely and it is quite difficult to get dressed.  I am blessed that I work out of my home so I am able to wear t-shirts and comfy pants a lot of days, but it really is frustrating putting on normal clothes.  I need to get back to eating sugar bustersly and I know some of the weight will come back off, but I love food and it makes me feel better when I eat it.  Soooo I am having a hard time motivating myself to get back to eating healthily as I continue grieving and comfort eating.  Grrr.  It’s so not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but the extra weight is just a constant reminder of why the weight is there in the first place and that there is no longer a baby in there.

I will find the motivation to lose this weight, I will find the motivation to lose this weight…

Baby Williams - Ultrasound pictures

I had been saving this post until I started a pregnancy/parenting blog. I really felt like, for me, I did not ever want to rub being pregnant in any of my fellow bloggers faces and also wanted to continue the infertility blog to encourage others, so I was going to start a separate blog for pregnancy/parenting. (Not saying anyone who decides to keep it all on one blog is not perfectly justified in doing so, but for me I think starting a separate blog was the right decision.) But I never got around to doing so, and obviously don’t need one at this point now. BUT I do want to document our precious baby’s life so I am going to post the ultrasound and belly pics now. So, here is our sweet little baby that is now in Heaven with Jesus…

6_weeks_5_days_(4) Baby’s first picture…Just a little blob at 6 weeks 5 days.

8_weeks_3_days_(2)Here is baby (some say baby looks like a gecko here – it’s the umbilical cord people!) at 8 weeks 3 days.

10 weeks And here is baby at 10 weeks 2 days – really looking more like a baby! You can see leg, foot and toes (far right), the umbilical cord (the foot looking thing in the middle), the hand (right up by the mouth) and then the profile of the face (forehead, nose, mouth and chin).


14_weeks_(2)And the two 14 week pics that we asked the US tech to print off for us. The baby was in an awkward position and it was hard to get some good pictures, but these are the last glimpses of our child we will have until we get to Heaven. What a glorious day that will be!!

As hard as it is looking at these pictures and posting them on here I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to carry this sweet life for 14 amazing weeks. Right after we found out there was no heartbeat my initial reaction was anger. Anger that I had been extremely sick for 3 months for nothing. Anger that this pregnancy and baby had been waved in front of our face and then taken away from us so quickly. Anger that the hopes and dreams we had for ourselves and for this baby were gone. Anger, anger, anger.

But now…now I know it wasn’t all for nothing. I feel so so honored to be this baby’s mommy. I feel honored to have a baby in Heaven. I feel so excited to one day meet this child. And I also feel honored that even though this came about because of the sin and evil in this world, God trusted me enough to allow it to happen to us. Does that make sense? He will never give us more than we can handle. Never. Ever. (Even though it might feel like more than we can handle at the time.) And what He does allow to touch our lives, He WILL use for His good if we only let Him. I have gotten so many cards, emails, comments and posts telling me how God has been working in their lives through watching what we are going through and I am absolutely in awe of how God IS using our experience to bring others closer to Him. And as difficult as it is to go through losing this baby, if God is bringing people closer to Him because of it, it is all worth it. I love hearing these stories because it gives me little glimpses of the reasons why God allowed this to happen. Thank you, thank you to each of you who have shared stories with me of how God is working in your lives as you experience this loss with us. You will never know how much of an encouragement it is to me and Barry.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Praise God Anyway

After I wrote that blog post I decided to check out my Girlfriends in God devotional of the day and low and behold “Today’s Truth.”  I have included it in this post, please take the time to read it.

My favorite quote from the devotional is, “…praise is not a feeling. Praise is a choice, a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. Praise focuses on God, not the circumstance, and fixes its gaze upon God's truth and God's character instead of the trial at hand or just ahead.”  I think this quote so accurately explains how I feel. 

I have heard since our loss other people say things like, I don’t understand how she is still trusting in God, or how she can be at peace.  And this is how.  With everything in ME I am mad and sad and confused and angry.  But just having “[God’s] presence in my life changes everything, empowering me to live each moment of every day, content in knowing [He is] in control.”  He IS in control and He DOES deserve praise even when I don’t understand and I don’t FEEL like praising.  HE gives me the strength to get through each day.  HE gives me a reason to get my head off of the pillow each morning.  HE gives me the peace I feel.  HE understands my anger and frustration and sadness.  And only HE can give me that peace through this time.  So I choose today to praise my Heavenly Father content in knowing that He is in control. 


September 7, 2010
Praise God Anyway!
Mary Southerland

Today's Truth
Philippians 4:7 (NIV) "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Friend to Friend
I once saw a refrigerator magnet that said, "I know God promises to never give me more than I can handle, but sometimes, I just wish He didn't trust me so much." Can you relate? When trials come and life seems hard, we plead with God to deliver us from the problem when many times; His plan is to deliver us in the problem. Praise does not depend upon an understanding of the circumstance or trial. Praise depends upon an understanding of who God really is and wants to be in our life and our willingness to put our faith in Him.

As humans, we will never fully understand God - this side of heaven. God is holy and without blemish. God is all powerful and omniscient. He is Creator of the universe and yet lives in you and me at our invitation. He is the only true, living God! 

We may understand some of His ways and comprehend the reasoning behind some of His plans. We may even come to the place of knowing Him on what I call an intimate level, but a full understanding of God is reserved for heaven. Until then, we walk by faith, not by sight. We praise Him in the darkness, knowing that the light is just ahead. We trust Him for things we cannot see and rest in Him in the valleys. Honestly, the thought of serving and relying on a God I can understand is not a reassuring thought. 

Most people who know me well would describe me as a strong person, someone who can usually handle what life holds. I thought the same thing until I found myself a powerless, prisoner of the darkness as I battled severe clinical depression. It took me two long years to climb out of that pit and not a day goes by that I am not reminded of that wonderful, horrible time. God used that first experience with the darkness in so many ways. He taught me new truths as He stripped away wrong attitudes and destructive thought patterns. I began to see myself as He sees me - loved, planned and wanted.

One of the many lessons I learned from my "pit experience" was that I cannot depend upon my own strength or my fickle emotions. God often asked me to praise Him when, as far as I could tell, there wasn't a whole lot to praise him for. I didn't feel like praising Him. 

I began to understand that praise is not a feeling. Praise is a choice, a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. Praise focuses on God, not the circumstance, and fixes its gaze upon God's truth and God's character instead of the trial at hand or just ahead. That is why we can celebrate the battle before it begins. The outcome is neither our responsibility nor our goal. Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality and integrity of God ... and that never changes. 

No matter what lies ahead, God is faithful. 

No matter how hot the fiery trial may be, God will deliver us in it or from it and surely be with us as we go through it.

No matter what man says or does, God loves and accepts us. 

So praise God! 

Thank Him today for every victory tomorrow holds.

Celebrate - knowing that the battle belongs to God and because of that single truth, victory is certain. 

Let's Pray
Father, I praise You today for all that You have done in my life. You are faithful even when I am faithless. Your love pursues me even when I am unlovable. Your forgiveness covers my sin and frees me from its penalty. Lord, teach me to praise You. Help me to see and understand the power of praising You in my life. I want to bring You pleasure, Father. I praise You for your love and faithfulness to me. Your presence in my life changes everything, empowering me to live each moment of every day, content in knowing You are in control. As I face today, Lord, remind me that no matter what happens, I can praise You! 
In Jesus' name,

Sadness, Madness, Hopefulness, Scaredness…

I don’t even know where to start…my feelings and emotions are so all over that I don’t know how to write a coherent blog post.  One minute I am feeling hopeful.  Hopeful that a) my baby is in heaven and b) that we are able to get pregnant.  Then the next minute I am sad because I miss my baby.  I miss knowing that there was a little life that was half me and half Barry growing inside of me.  Sad that all of the hopes and dreams we had for this little one and for ourselves are gone now.  Sad when I walk into the now empty bedroom that was going to be our baby’s room.  Sad when I think of all of the upcoming days that are going to be so hard.  Sad that I was so close to not working outside of the home anymore and being a full time mommy and now I have to go to work again indefinitely.  Then I am mad…mad that we were so close to having a baby in our arms finally and then that baby is gone.  Mad about all of the Very Cool God things that were happening that now don’t make sense.  Then I feel the peace that only God can bring me because God is still in control and even though those things don’t make sense to me, He doesn’t lie and all of this is a part of His plan.  Then I am mad again because I am in physical pain still trying to recover from the D&C.  And then I am sad again because of why I had to have surgery. Then I get scared because I again don’t know what the future holds and I have no idea when we will be blessed with a baby to hold in our arms.  And then more scared because how will I ever enjoy another pregnancy after what happened with this one?   I don’t ever want to have to go back to the RE but want to experience pregnancy again and want to be a mommy with a baby to show for it.  Sometimes it feels hard to breathe because of the sadness.  It is really hard to get motivated to do anything.  I know that is all part of the grieving process but I just don’t want to be grieving.  I just want to wake up from this bad dream and it all to be over with.  Rewind two weeks ago when we were looking at nursery furniture and picking out names and reorganizing things in the house to make room for baby’s things and talking about “next year we will have to get a babysitter for our anniversary” and “we won’t have another birthday without being parents”, etc.  For my baby to be alive and for this pregnancy to be uneventful and healthy. 

God I know you are in control, but I hurt so much right now.  I know that with you I will be able to keep moving forward and will be able to look forward to the future with hope.  Please continue to bring me that peace that only you can bring.

Friday, September 3, 2010

“Trust” by Sanctus Real

A fellow blogger, Abby, sent me the link to a blog written by the lead singer from Sanctus Real and his wife.  Matthew and his wife are pregnant with a baby with a rare congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.  It is amazing to read through their blog and to see their faith and trust in the Lord even in their time of the unknown.  They believe that their “boy was knit perfectly together in [her] womb (Psalm 139:13) and that God intended him to be this way with a specific purpose in mind.”  I love that perspective because I also believe that about our little baby.  God knit our little one together and for reasons that we might not know until we get to Heaven allowed this specific child to go on to Heaven to be with Him.  But He still has a purpose for our little one even though he or she never made it to experience this life.  We can already see the Lord working through this situation and know that He has big plans up His sleeve.  :)  The below song is a song that Matthew has written in the face of their unknown.


Lest I’m tempted to forget
I’ll tie Your love around my neck
I’ll write Your words upon my heart
Lord, I won’t forget how good You are

I’ll dwell upon Your faithfulness
I’ll rest within Your promises
And when I’m walking through the dark
Lord, I won’t forget how good You are

I will trust, I will trust You
I will trust You Lord with all my heart
And I won’t forget how good You are
No, I won’t forget how good You are

You gave me everything I have
My whole life is in Your hands
When what I fear is closing in
Lord, Your faithfulness will never end

I will trust, I will trust You
I will trust You Lord with all my heart
And I won’t forget how good You are
No, I won’t forget how good You are

Even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even when the hardest times of life are at hand
Even in darkness, even in questions
Even in the times that I’m not meant to understand

I will trust.


You can listen to this song here.

The song is based on Proverbs 3:3-6.  “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck,  write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Thursday, September 2, 2010

We feel the love…

We have been so surrounded by the support of our friends and family!  Have I mentioned that before?  :)  Every day we check our mail and there are many many sweet cards, we check our email with encouraging emails and blog comments, we have phone calls and texts, flowers and plants being delivered to our house, meals being dropped off…I really am in awe of the people God has brought into our lives.  I just wanted to pass on some scripture that others have shared with us.  Was the whole Bible written for me??  :)  Amazing how Scripture speaks to each of us in whatever situation we might be facing.  I love how God gave us His word and uses it to comfort us and bring us healing.

Isaiah 26:3-4 (ICB)  “You, Lord, give true peace. You give peace to those who depend on you. You give peace to those who trust you. So, trust the Lord always. Trust the Lord because he is our Rock forever.”

Philippians 4:7 (Living Bible) “Peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand; that will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus."

Psalm 22:24 “For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.”

Romans 8:26 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans and moans that words cannot express.”

Romans 8:28  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Psalm 46:1-2 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.”

Jeremiah 17:7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.”

Psalm 71:20-21 “Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

Psalm 138:7  “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.”

Psalm 143:8 "Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you."

Isaiah 40:18-31 “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Nahum 1:7 “The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.”

Matthew 5:4  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Matthew 11:25-30  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Revelation 21:4  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."