Overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, sad, hopeless, frustrated, annoyed, mad, tired, crushed, heartbroken…
These are all words that express how I am feeling right now. We had our follow up appointment with my OB today to discuss our lab work and here is what they found.
1. The baby was a girl. I am so glad that we were able to find out but my heart breaks more and more when I think about our little girl that we never got to meet this side of Heaven. It makes it seem even more real and even more sad, if that is even possible. I can’t stop crying. The genetic testing came back normal.
2. Barry’s lab work looked fine.
3. Everything from my lab work came back in normal ranges except for part of the DNA analysis, which was definitely on my list of things I did not want to hear. I have a single mutation (c677T) in the MTHFR gene. I’m not going to begin to try to explain it on here because I really don’t understand it all. (Any information from those of you who might have this would be appreciated??) My Dr. didn’t have much information for us except that he doesn’t see many cases of it and he wants to refer us to a genetic counselor. Crushed. He said that he is not telling us that we cannot get pregnant and carry a baby full term but he just isn’t the expert and wants to get a genetic doctor on board. If and when we get pregnant again we would be followed by this doctor throughout the pregnancy. We have been doing some research since we got home and I don’t know how to feel about it.
On one hand it’s good that they found something so that we have a starting point of what to try to “fix”. On the other hand I reallly didn’t want to hear that Barry or I had some type of genetic issue. Especially one that they don’t know that much about. I am so aggravated that we are having to get yet another doctor involved, as I was already having enough trouble juggling 2 doctors in 2 cities. Now we are adding a 3rd in yet another city. OB in Dothan, RE in Mobile and Geneticist (or whatever he is) in Birmingham. In case you aren’t familiar with Alabama geography, none of those cities are close together. Each is about 3-4 hours away from each other. PLUS I couldn’t get an appointment until the end of November!! I am so frustrated that we don’t live in a city that offers the doctors that we need. I keep reminding myself that we are blessed to have somewhat flexible work schedules though and dependable vehicles to get us to each doctor.
I am so angry that not only do we have multiple issues that contribute to us GETTING pregnant but we have issues KEEPING us pregnant. Issues that doctors may or may not be able to help us with. Issues that could prevent us from ever having biological children. Issues that could cause us to have more miscarriages. Issues that don’t go away without God intervening big time.
Today is just one of those days that I can’t be positive, I can’t smile, I can’t look on the bright side, I can’t stop crying. I am just tired, so tired of all of this. I wish that there was an end in sight and I am heart broken that there just isn’t. I keep running back to the one thing I know is true though. My hope and happiness are not to be found in what the world has to offer. I have to place all of that in His loving and capable hands and trust that He knows best. I have to “Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10. I just came across this quote and I think it explains this scripture best…
“So as your world crumbles around you, the call from Scripture is: don’t flinch in faith in God. Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know about God.
It is “God’s past” that provides calm for “our future.” Know that he is God! Know it, not merely intellectually, but practically, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth and the all-powerful Creator of the Universe.
If you are the last man or woman standing, be still. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do change” (Psalm 46:1-2a). Hallelujah!”
Message to myself today…Be still and know that God is still in control.