I am not really sure what to write about. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head and no logical way to organize them. Maybe I should bullet a few of my thoughts for the day.
- I still have not gone one day since our baby’s Heaven Birthday without tearing up, crying or completely losing it.
- I thought infertility was hard. Ha. Losing a baby on top of infertility is torture. Either one is difficult, but both of them…There are so many layers to the grieving. You are grieving over the loss of the baby and you are grieving over the fact that you tried for so long for that baby and you don’t know when or if you will get that opportunity again. I can’t just go pop out another baby like some people…And truth be told, that wouldn’t help anyway because I miss THAT particular baby.
- I am so happy for my many friends who have recently found out that they are pregnant or who are currently pregnant but words can’t express the pain that it also brings. Two of my best friends are due two weeks after I would have been due and it hurts so much. We should be celebrating pregnancy milestones together, celebrating our baby’s birthday’s together…and here I am back at square one with more pain than I know how to express.
- I AM blessed to have been able to experience pregnancy, to know with certainty that my two babies are waiting for me in heaven, to have supportive friends (even the pregnant ones), to have a great family...
- Getting your period after a D&C isn’t fun. It only reminds you of what you no longer have.
- I struggle with what to tell people because I don’t want to make people feel awkward. When someone says “do you have any children?” What do you say? Do you tell them “yes, I have 2 babies in Heaven”?
- I am annoyed at fertile people.
- Some days I just wish I had no filter and could tell people what I really think. I wish I could respond to people’s Facebook status’s or comments in the way that I really feel. I wish I could tell some people to shut up. I wish there was a way to make them really understand what we are going through. But that is just evil fleshy Lisa. I NEVER would REALLY want someone to experience the pain we have. I just want them to understand.
- I love being part of this infertility/baby loss community but it is also hard. As much as I want all of my blogger friends to have happy take home babies - I truly, truly do - I also want that to be me. I would like to put in a request that no one else get pregnant or birth a child before I do. Thanks. :) (FYI...through God's grace my love for each of you wins out over mean Lisa though. I still pray every day that God will bless each of you with healthy pregnancies and healthy babies...even if that happens to you before it happens to me. I promise.)
- I am glad that God knows all of my ugly, selfish, mean thoughts and still loves me!!!
That’s all for now…maybe I will expound on some of those later…aren’t you lucky. :)