I am not really sure what to write about. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head and no logical way to organize them. Maybe I should bullet a few of my thoughts for the day.
- I still have not gone one day since our baby’s Heaven Birthday without tearing up, crying or completely losing it.
- I thought infertility was hard. Ha. Losing a baby on top of infertility is torture. Either one is difficult, but both of them…There are so many layers to the grieving. You are grieving over the loss of the baby and you are grieving over the fact that you tried for so long for that baby and you don’t know when or if you will get that opportunity again. I can’t just go pop out another baby like some people…And truth be told, that wouldn’t help anyway because I miss THAT particular baby.
- I am so happy for my many friends who have recently found out that they are pregnant or who are currently pregnant but words can’t express the pain that it also brings. Two of my best friends are due two weeks after I would have been due and it hurts so much. We should be celebrating pregnancy milestones together, celebrating our baby’s birthday’s together…and here I am back at square one with more pain than I know how to express.
- I AM blessed to have been able to experience pregnancy, to know with certainty that my two babies are waiting for me in heaven, to have supportive friends (even the pregnant ones), to have a great family...
- Getting your period after a D&C isn’t fun. It only reminds you of what you no longer have.
- I struggle with what to tell people because I don’t want to make people feel awkward. When someone says “do you have any children?” What do you say? Do you tell them “yes, I have 2 babies in Heaven”?
- I am annoyed at fertile people.
- Some days I just wish I had no filter and could tell people what I really think. I wish I could respond to people’s Facebook status’s or comments in the way that I really feel. I wish I could tell some people to shut up. I wish there was a way to make them really understand what we are going through. But that is just evil fleshy Lisa. I NEVER would REALLY want someone to experience the pain we have. I just want them to understand.
- I love being part of this infertility/baby loss community but it is also hard. As much as I want all of my blogger friends to have happy take home babies - I truly, truly do - I also want that to be me. I would like to put in a request that no one else get pregnant or birth a child before I do. Thanks. :) (FYI...through God's grace my love for each of you wins out over mean Lisa though. I still pray every day that God will bless each of you with healthy pregnancies and healthy babies...even if that happens to you before it happens to me. I promise.)
- I am glad that God knows all of my ugly, selfish, mean thoughts and still loves me!!!
That’s all for now…maybe I will expound on some of those later…aren’t you lucky. :)
Everything you are feeling, I have felt. Still now, I have some ugly feelings that I don't know what to do with.
ReplyDeleteI teach with a girl that is due the day after I would have been due with my angel baby. Seeing her, or even hearing her name brings me a lot of pain. I still cry for my baby, 5 months later, even after our recent news.
Infertility changes us, and then we get slapped in the face even harder with pregnancy loss.
I saw Rachel at our class reunion, ane so many good things were said about you. Know that I'm praying for you, and many others are as well.
Your thoughts are so real. I too have a baby in heaven and am traveling the same infertility road. Everything you wrote above mirrors my own personal feelings. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I know God has a special blessing for us both.
ReplyDeleteARGH! This sucks so so so much. Do you know how much I want to fix this? I wish more than anything this pregnancy (and the first) were viable. However, I'm so proud to be your friend because of how I've seen God work through you. I love you so much!
ReplyDeleteI think you should expound these thoughts whenever you feel like it, and always know that your thoughts are real and normal and important. You are SO right, infertility is one thing, but losing a child is more painful in so many ways. I know God has amazing things planned for someone as wonderful as you.
ReplyDeleteWhile Drew and I were in Alaska (I will post about this, but I wanted to tell you) we had an emergency where I all of a sudden started bleeding and clotting. We were terrified that we lost our baby- and shocked when the emergency tech found a heartbeat. That night, I got back to the hotel and I started googling bleeding, and I checked my blog list and I saw your news about not hearing a heartbeat. I broke down in the hotel room. I read your post to Drew and we both cried and prayed all night long for you and for all of the women who loose babies. We only had an inkling of that terror, but it scared us speechless.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this pain.
I giggled when you talked about losing your filter for the day- I can't count how many days I wanted to do that, hehe:) But that is the great thing about our blogger "sisterhood"- we can all be real with each other. And sometimes I have my "ugly" side come out and I say, "Well nice, God, real nice- if I have to hear about one more Teen Mom TV show before my deserving friends get babies- I think I'm going to throw punches!!"
It is so nice to still be loved:) Okay, done writing my novel....:) Always here for you!
Praying for you every day. I can't imagine. You are right about so so many things and I know all of us in the infertile community completely understand where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteAMEN Lisa!!! Big, fat amen. And it's great to put down these thoughts because then, maybe, just maybe, they can be dealt with! Hiding them up in your heart does nothing to benefit you (see 1 John: 6-7) - darkness is harmful!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! I can't imagine what you are going through, infertility is very hard, but I can't imagine loosing a baby. I am thinking of you and praying for you!
ReplyDeleteLisa...I am so happy that you are getting this all out....this is so healthy and I def understand how you feel about just wanting to be understood....thats probably the hardest part hearing other people comments and even though most of the time they are just trying to help it hurts sometimes when their comments just say "I have no idea what she is going through" Even now that I am pregnant people still just dont get it...like I have a friend who is one of those fertiles that tried 1 month and had a perfect pregnancy ect....Well she keeps lecturing me because I buy baby clothes now and says lots of people will get you these ect...I finally piped up and said do you understand how long I have waited to feel secure enough to buy a baby item for my future child or anything baby related...Im not like you I have waited for 5yrs to have this momment and if I want to buy clothes then let me enjoy it...kinda rude on my part but people just dont understand
ReplyDeleteSo people dont get infertility....they dont get recurrent miscarriage.....and they dont get complicated pregnancy...its unfortunate but true and unless you have walked in these shoes it is hard to fully understand but that why u have us your fellow bloggers...whether we are still fighting the battle of infertility....going through or had a miscarriage...or experiencing pregnancy issues seems like here there is always someone who really gets it:) Thank you Jesus!!!
I just really admire your strong beautful spirit!!!!You are amazing!!!
So real, so true, and I'm with you on wishing sometimes I didn't have to have a filter! But thank God he gave me one so I don't inflict unneeded pain! And no, I'd never wish this on anyone, but I do wish they could understand, which is just a selfish thing, wishing it wasn't so hard on me. It is hard though and infertility coupled with loss is devastating, it's an added dimension of devastation. I'm praying for you, for all that you're feeling and experiencing!
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you with all the ugly feelings. Thankful for the reminder that God loves me anyway. Sending up prayers for you right now that God will shine his light in the ugly darkness.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting your true feelings because we are all having them. I showed your post to my husband and he asked if it was comforting knowing that all of you feel this same way that I do. I gave him a resounding "yes!" Most importantly, I am comforted in knowing that we also pray for each other and encourage each other. Thank you, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI know what you are going thru too. Wish I could just shut down my account on facebook some days. I hate it when people say oh I'm so sorry. I just wish some days I could say so am I! I'm sorry i'm not fertile and can just have another one again. There are days I go into DEEP depression and ask why. Then i go to doctors where they think my husband and I are crazy. I come home and just cry and crawl under my rock. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only one in the world still that is suffering. My heart and prays go out to you!
ReplyDeleteBTW: I quoted you on my blog (http://the-pugh-family.blogspot.com/2010/10/time-to-heal.html) hope you don't mind. You are an inspiration to me...
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through a friend of a friend. After I had my miscarriage on August 17th, my friend connected me with her friend...apparently there is a large sisterhood of women who have been experiencing so much pain and grief over what's been lost.
I can relate to EVERYTHING you've said. I actually had to start "hiding" the status updates of all of the pregnant women on Facebook. "___ is preggo my eggo" or "It's a girl!" or "New blog post on the joys of pregnancy" or "Best news ever!" have all been painful reminders of what the baby I no longer have growing in my belly. As much as I want to celebrate with friends who are newly pregnant, I find it nearly impossible these days.
I hope you know you are not alone and many are grieving with you, including myself. It's a painful journey, and I'm trying to look for the beauty at the end of it...
Thanks for sharing.
I don't know if you like to read, but there is a great/healing book called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. She also wrote Cold Tangerines (she's Bill Hybels daughter). In Bittersweet she chronicles her process through the aftermath of her miscarriage. Just thought I'd throw the book recommendation out there.
ReplyDeleteLisa--
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty~I pray for you often. I have no idea what you are going through so I can't give you any great insight. Why is it through your pain I find strength for myself through God? How selfish am I? I see you trusting and it reminds me to let go of things that only God can deal with. Pray big my sister in Christ..God did not just make the sun, but He made it bigger He made the sunrise and sunset...
Write on!! I'm praying for you (HUG)
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