Wednesday, September 29, 2010


A blogger friend shared this with me a few weeks ago and I absolutely love it.  I wanted to share it with you guys and I hope that it will bless each of you as it did me.



Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

~Author Unknown

Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bible verses of the day

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth…” Psalm 40:1-3a

Monday, September 27, 2010

We Are ALL Spiritual 1 Year Olds…

My friend Courtney gave me this awesome illustration the other day.  But before I tell you what it is I want to give you an update on her little baby (she is the one that the Dr. found a neural tube defect on her little one)…the last ultrasound showed HUGE improvements!  It now appears that her (it’s a girl!  Harper Kate!) little brain has a cyst on the cerebellum.  This is causing swelling and her ventricles are bigger than they want to see.  So she still needs lots and lots of prayers but it is no longer a death sentence!  God is beginning to work a miracle in little Harper Kate’s life!  Thank you for the prayers! 

Now on to the illustration…A man from church shared this story with her from his personal experience…


This father had to bring his 1 1/2 year old son to the hospital because he was very sick.  The nurse was having a hard time getting an IV in the little boy’s hand and had to keep calling nurse after nurse to keep trying.  The little boy was obviously in pain and he kept looking up at his daddy with the face that says “Daddy, why are you letting this happen to me??  It hurts!  Make them stop!” The father was so upset watching his son go through this pain but he KNEW that the ultimate goal was in his son’s best interest.  Because the little boy was only 1 1/2 the father could not explain to him in terms that the little boy could understand WHY this pain was for his own good.  The father had the power to stop the pain but that would not have brought about the best end results. 

We are just like that 1 1/2 year old!!  We are experiencing pain in this life and as our Heavenly Daddy holds us we are asking Him, “Why God, Why this pain??  You can stop it at any point if you want to!!”  But because we simply cannot understand the mind of God, He can’t explain to us why this pain is for our good and ultimately His glory.  He cannot explain to us why He allowed certain things to happen in our lives.  We simply would not be able to comprehend the big picture as He sees it.  He hurts along with us but KNOWS that there is a bigger plan than what we can see. 


Isn’t that neat?  I really like looking at it that way…and as frustrating as it is, aren’t we glad that we can’t completely understand the ways of our Lord?  If we could, then how would He be any greater than us?

Isaiah 55:9 “For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Ecclesiastes 11:5 “As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of the Lord, the Maker of all things.”

Friday, September 24, 2010

Daily Bible Verse and Thought

This was my Daily Bible verse of the day, courtesy of Heartlight.

VERSE:                                                                       “Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. -- Hebrews 10:35-36

There are some tough times that go with living. They're
inescapable. That's when our confidence in the Lord's salvation and our relationship with him get tested! It is one thing to sing "it is well with my soul" at the end of a peel-the-paint and raise-the-roof worship service, but it is quite another to be able to sing it when they auction your house off at the courthouse steps, you are told you have a long-term debilitating illness, or you lose a child to death. Faith can't take a holiday when we travel through the suburbs of hell or we'll never find our way out. So don't throw it away. Persevere! Keep putting one foot in front of the other trusting that God will give you the strength for the next step. No matter how hard it is at the moment, don’t give up to despair. Be like Job or Jeremiah who both argued and complained to God, but never let go of God. Don't quit. Christ is coming for you with grace and in glory. His return is just around the bend and could break into our world at any time.

Holy and Almighty God, I am profoundly aware that some of those I love are close to throwing away their confidence in your love, mercy, grace, peace, and deliverance. Please use me to encourage them. Even more, dear Father, I ask that you use your Holy Spirit to renew their hearts. I pray that you intervene directly to change the course of events and give them relief and make your gracious presence known to them. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Night of Joy 2010

We were in Orlando the weekend before last for Night of Joy and I am so very very glad that we went.  We had bought our tickets to the event several months ago and in light of the recent events we debated not going but decided it would be good to get out of the house.  And it really was exactly what we needed.  It was so nice to have a change of scenery, a reason to get dressed and put on make-up each day, etc.

Night of Joy is a huge Christian music concert that takes place at Magic Kingdom every year.  This years headliners…David Crowder Band, Chris Tomlin, Casting Crowns, Sidewalk Prophets, Tenth Avenue North, Thousand Foot Krutch, Third Day, MercyMe…there were a ton more acts, but those were the bigger name bands.  The concerts were from 7pm-1am on Friday and Saturday, and they even kept the entire park open the whole night!  So you could listen to some music, ride a ride, listen to more music, etc.  They also had a local Christian radio station playing over the speakers throughout the whole park.  It was awesome!

(Except for the two newborns…I mean they seriously could have come straight from the hospital…that camped out right next to us during one of the concerts. That wasn’t my favorite moment of the weekend.  Nor was the fact that every other billboard (almost literally) along a probably 200 mile stretch in Florida said “Are you pregnant” or “Pregnant?  Your baby’s heart is already beating” etc. etc.  I don’t know if there is a high rate of abortion in Florida or what but it really was crazy.  I had noticed it before on previous Orlando or Miami trips but this time it was another constant reminder that I was NOT pregnant.) 

Anyway, back to my story…I went into it thinking it would mostly be a cool concert, but it was such a worshipful experience!  It was really a cool experience to be in a place like that with thousands of other believers worshipping our Lord!  Here are some pictures of our well needed weekend away…

DSC03064 Ahhh…it doesn’t matter how many times I come here I always light up when I walk into the Magic Kingdom.  I am a child at heart.  :)

DSC03071 Riding Big Thunder Mountain Railroad…notice the hair already up in a ponytail within 30 minutes of getting to the park.  It is still in the high 90’s with crazy humidity down here in the silly south.

DSC03079 Waiting for the concerts to start!

DSC03092  Stuck in jail with this scary creature!  The Buzz Lightyear ride is one of our favorites…I think we rode it 3 or 4 times.  :)


The picture everyone gets at Magic Kingdom, in front of Mickey!  Decked out in our Bama gear for day #2!

DSC03109One of the stages was right in front on the castle.  It changed colors throughout the night.  Beautiful in my opinion.  :)  The only thing that makes the Magic Kingdom better is going at Christmas time when there are white lights all over the castle and throughout the park!

DSC03102 My hubby watching the play by play of the Bama game on his phone while we wait in line for a 3-D movie.  :)

DSC03122 In motion picture on Space Mountain…The first time we rode this ride I caught myself laughing and smiling really big on the ride and it felt almost wrong to be smiling and laughing and having fun, but it felt so good at the same time if that makes any sense. 

By the way, they have recently renovated Space Mountain and they now have games you can play while waiting in line!  It was very cool.

DSC03133Day #3 - This was my breakfast at SeaWorld…a yummy chocolate covered ice cream Shamu.  :)  Sugar Busters where are you??

DSC03134 At the dolphin and whale show at Sea World.  Our camera survived this one but almost bit the dust at the Shamu show.  It got soaked…and will never be quite the same again, but at least it recovered enough to still function!


We will definitely be going to Night of Joy again!  Anyone want to come with us next year?!?!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

1 Month Ago…

Our baby’s Heaven Birthday was one month ago today.  4 weeks and 1 day ago I felt the baby move.  And the very next day our world came crashing down on us.  It is so surreal to think about what we have been through the past month and the fact that we have been without our sweet baby for the same amount of time.  In some ways it seems like the time has flown by and in other ways it seems like it has been the longest month of my life.  Today, although I am still so sad, I choose to be joyful that my baby has been with Jesus for an entire month.  I choose to place my hope in the Lord and the promise that I will be there one day too.  I choose to trust that our Heavenly Father is holding me and guiding my steps as I go through my day today and every day.  I choose to believe that there will be better days ahead.  I choose to have faith that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28.

Monday, September 20, 2010

“Glory Baby” by Watermark

I know I have been posting a lot of songs in the past few weeks, but God has really been speaking to me and comforting me through music lately.  I seem to always have some song running through my head these days.  It makes me feel closer to Him and not alone in my feelings.  There are so many people hurting out there, regardless of the situation, and these songs are reminders that we are not alone in our hurt. 

My friend Lindsay passed this song on to me and it brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it…definitely my favorite right now.  Get your tissues ready.  The song makes me cry a lot from sadness but mostly because I know that I will get to meet my baby one day.  My favorite quote from the song is, “But baby let sweet Jesus hold you ‘till mom and dad can hold you…”  Thank you Jesus for holding my baby until I can get there!!!


“Glory Baby” by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…


You can listen to the song here.  (It is a version performed by someone else, not Watermark, but I couldn’t find the entire Watermark version on the internet.  You can download it on iTunes though!)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

“Let the Waters Rise” by Mikeschair

This song is one that I have heard a million times but has taken on new meaning the past few weeks.  The lyrics were brought to my attention (because remember half of the time I just sing along with songs without really hearing what the song is saying.  So it REALLY is God getting me to listen to the lyircs when I post songs on here!!) by a new friend and blog reader…


“Let the Waters Rise” by Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand


God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You
God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Listen to it here

Friday, September 17, 2010

“No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts

Wow, this song is popping up everywhere!  I heard it on Monday as I was responding to a fellow blogger’s post on trust.  Her post was about how “interruptions are opportunities to trust God.”  I was about to reply and the song on the radio caught my ear and it was exactly what her post was about.  Trust.  Then I saw it on another blog that I follow, then I saw it on Facebook, then I got it emailed to me by an IF friend – all since Monday!  Sooo I had planned on posting it soon, but I guess I need to do it right now!  :)

I LOVE the lyrics and have listened to it NON stop since hearing it Monday.  It is my heart’s cry…every word of it.  Please read through the lyrics and let them wash over you.


“No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts

I'm running back to your promises one more time
Lord that's all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what

When I'm stuck and there's nothing else by myself
I'm just sitting in silence
There's no way I can make it without Your help
I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God, You are my hope
And You will be my strength

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what

Anything I don't have You can give it to me
But it's okay if You don't, I'm not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I'm gonna need You

No matter what I'm gonna love you
No matter what I'm gonna need you
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust you
No matter what, no matter what
No matter, no matter what

You can listen to the song here.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Baby Williams – Belly Pics

And here are the belly pics…

Week 6     Week 6

Week 12 Week 12

Week 14 Week 14

I had to change tank tops at the 14 week mark as you can see because the white one was no longer fitting.  I gained about 10 pounds during this pregnancy, partially because since I was so nauseous all of the time I ate whatever sounded good and of course none of it was sugar buster friendly.  My favorites…French fries, bagels with honey walnut cream cheese from Atlanta Bread, and pizza.  So the weight was gained…but my Dr. was proud of me!  :)

Now however, it makes things a bit difficult because I have 10 pounds of “baby weight” to lose with no baby to show for it.  I am still having to wear some maternity pants (the pregnancy look of my belly is gone but there is still extra weight there) and my body has in general just changed shapes on me.  I have gone up AT LEAST a full bra size too.  All of my clothes are fitting strangely and it is quite difficult to get dressed.  I am blessed that I work out of my home so I am able to wear t-shirts and comfy pants a lot of days, but it really is frustrating putting on normal clothes.  I need to get back to eating sugar bustersly and I know some of the weight will come back off, but I love food and it makes me feel better when I eat it.  Soooo I am having a hard time motivating myself to get back to eating healthily as I continue grieving and comfort eating.  Grrr.  It’s so not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but the extra weight is just a constant reminder of why the weight is there in the first place and that there is no longer a baby in there.

I will find the motivation to lose this weight, I will find the motivation to lose this weight…

Baby Williams - Ultrasound pictures

I had been saving this post until I started a pregnancy/parenting blog. I really felt like, for me, I did not ever want to rub being pregnant in any of my fellow bloggers faces and also wanted to continue the infertility blog to encourage others, so I was going to start a separate blog for pregnancy/parenting. (Not saying anyone who decides to keep it all on one blog is not perfectly justified in doing so, but for me I think starting a separate blog was the right decision.) But I never got around to doing so, and obviously don’t need one at this point now. BUT I do want to document our precious baby’s life so I am going to post the ultrasound and belly pics now. So, here is our sweet little baby that is now in Heaven with Jesus…

6_weeks_5_days_(4) Baby’s first picture…Just a little blob at 6 weeks 5 days.

8_weeks_3_days_(2)Here is baby (some say baby looks like a gecko here – it’s the umbilical cord people!) at 8 weeks 3 days.

10 weeks And here is baby at 10 weeks 2 days – really looking more like a baby! You can see leg, foot and toes (far right), the umbilical cord (the foot looking thing in the middle), the hand (right up by the mouth) and then the profile of the face (forehead, nose, mouth and chin).


14_weeks_(2)And the two 14 week pics that we asked the US tech to print off for us. The baby was in an awkward position and it was hard to get some good pictures, but these are the last glimpses of our child we will have until we get to Heaven. What a glorious day that will be!!

As hard as it is looking at these pictures and posting them on here I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to carry this sweet life for 14 amazing weeks. Right after we found out there was no heartbeat my initial reaction was anger. Anger that I had been extremely sick for 3 months for nothing. Anger that this pregnancy and baby had been waved in front of our face and then taken away from us so quickly. Anger that the hopes and dreams we had for ourselves and for this baby were gone. Anger, anger, anger.

But now…now I know it wasn’t all for nothing. I feel so so honored to be this baby’s mommy. I feel honored to have a baby in Heaven. I feel so excited to one day meet this child. And I also feel honored that even though this came about because of the sin and evil in this world, God trusted me enough to allow it to happen to us. Does that make sense? He will never give us more than we can handle. Never. Ever. (Even though it might feel like more than we can handle at the time.) And what He does allow to touch our lives, He WILL use for His good if we only let Him. I have gotten so many cards, emails, comments and posts telling me how God has been working in their lives through watching what we are going through and I am absolutely in awe of how God IS using our experience to bring others closer to Him. And as difficult as it is to go through losing this baby, if God is bringing people closer to Him because of it, it is all worth it. I love hearing these stories because it gives me little glimpses of the reasons why God allowed this to happen. Thank you, thank you to each of you who have shared stories with me of how God is working in your lives as you experience this loss with us. You will never know how much of an encouragement it is to me and Barry.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Praise God Anyway

After I wrote that blog post I decided to check out my Girlfriends in God devotional of the day and low and behold “Today’s Truth.”  I have included it in this post, please take the time to read it.

My favorite quote from the devotional is, “…praise is not a feeling. Praise is a choice, a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. Praise focuses on God, not the circumstance, and fixes its gaze upon God's truth and God's character instead of the trial at hand or just ahead.”  I think this quote so accurately explains how I feel. 

I have heard since our loss other people say things like, I don’t understand how she is still trusting in God, or how she can be at peace.  And this is how.  With everything in ME I am mad and sad and confused and angry.  But just having “[God’s] presence in my life changes everything, empowering me to live each moment of every day, content in knowing [He is] in control.”  He IS in control and He DOES deserve praise even when I don’t understand and I don’t FEEL like praising.  HE gives me the strength to get through each day.  HE gives me a reason to get my head off of the pillow each morning.  HE gives me the peace I feel.  HE understands my anger and frustration and sadness.  And only HE can give me that peace through this time.  So I choose today to praise my Heavenly Father content in knowing that He is in control. 


September 7, 2010
Praise God Anyway!
Mary Southerland

Today's Truth
Philippians 4:7 (NIV) "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Friend to Friend
I once saw a refrigerator magnet that said, "I know God promises to never give me more than I can handle, but sometimes, I just wish He didn't trust me so much." Can you relate? When trials come and life seems hard, we plead with God to deliver us from the problem when many times; His plan is to deliver us in the problem. Praise does not depend upon an understanding of the circumstance or trial. Praise depends upon an understanding of who God really is and wants to be in our life and our willingness to put our faith in Him.

As humans, we will never fully understand God - this side of heaven. God is holy and without blemish. God is all powerful and omniscient. He is Creator of the universe and yet lives in you and me at our invitation. He is the only true, living God! 

We may understand some of His ways and comprehend the reasoning behind some of His plans. We may even come to the place of knowing Him on what I call an intimate level, but a full understanding of God is reserved for heaven. Until then, we walk by faith, not by sight. We praise Him in the darkness, knowing that the light is just ahead. We trust Him for things we cannot see and rest in Him in the valleys. Honestly, the thought of serving and relying on a God I can understand is not a reassuring thought. 

Most people who know me well would describe me as a strong person, someone who can usually handle what life holds. I thought the same thing until I found myself a powerless, prisoner of the darkness as I battled severe clinical depression. It took me two long years to climb out of that pit and not a day goes by that I am not reminded of that wonderful, horrible time. God used that first experience with the darkness in so many ways. He taught me new truths as He stripped away wrong attitudes and destructive thought patterns. I began to see myself as He sees me - loved, planned and wanted.

One of the many lessons I learned from my "pit experience" was that I cannot depend upon my own strength or my fickle emotions. God often asked me to praise Him when, as far as I could tell, there wasn't a whole lot to praise him for. I didn't feel like praising Him. 

I began to understand that praise is not a feeling. Praise is a choice, a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. Praise focuses on God, not the circumstance, and fixes its gaze upon God's truth and God's character instead of the trial at hand or just ahead. That is why we can celebrate the battle before it begins. The outcome is neither our responsibility nor our goal. Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality and integrity of God ... and that never changes. 

No matter what lies ahead, God is faithful. 

No matter how hot the fiery trial may be, God will deliver us in it or from it and surely be with us as we go through it.

No matter what man says or does, God loves and accepts us. 

So praise God! 

Thank Him today for every victory tomorrow holds.

Celebrate - knowing that the battle belongs to God and because of that single truth, victory is certain. 

Let's Pray
Father, I praise You today for all that You have done in my life. You are faithful even when I am faithless. Your love pursues me even when I am unlovable. Your forgiveness covers my sin and frees me from its penalty. Lord, teach me to praise You. Help me to see and understand the power of praising You in my life. I want to bring You pleasure, Father. I praise You for your love and faithfulness to me. Your presence in my life changes everything, empowering me to live each moment of every day, content in knowing You are in control. As I face today, Lord, remind me that no matter what happens, I can praise You! 
In Jesus' name,

Sadness, Madness, Hopefulness, Scaredness…

I don’t even know where to start…my feelings and emotions are so all over that I don’t know how to write a coherent blog post.  One minute I am feeling hopeful.  Hopeful that a) my baby is in heaven and b) that we are able to get pregnant.  Then the next minute I am sad because I miss my baby.  I miss knowing that there was a little life that was half me and half Barry growing inside of me.  Sad that all of the hopes and dreams we had for this little one and for ourselves are gone now.  Sad when I walk into the now empty bedroom that was going to be our baby’s room.  Sad when I think of all of the upcoming days that are going to be so hard.  Sad that I was so close to not working outside of the home anymore and being a full time mommy and now I have to go to work again indefinitely.  Then I am mad…mad that we were so close to having a baby in our arms finally and then that baby is gone.  Mad about all of the Very Cool God things that were happening that now don’t make sense.  Then I feel the peace that only God can bring me because God is still in control and even though those things don’t make sense to me, He doesn’t lie and all of this is a part of His plan.  Then I am mad again because I am in physical pain still trying to recover from the D&C.  And then I am sad again because of why I had to have surgery. Then I get scared because I again don’t know what the future holds and I have no idea when we will be blessed with a baby to hold in our arms.  And then more scared because how will I ever enjoy another pregnancy after what happened with this one?   I don’t ever want to have to go back to the RE but want to experience pregnancy again and want to be a mommy with a baby to show for it.  Sometimes it feels hard to breathe because of the sadness.  It is really hard to get motivated to do anything.  I know that is all part of the grieving process but I just don’t want to be grieving.  I just want to wake up from this bad dream and it all to be over with.  Rewind two weeks ago when we were looking at nursery furniture and picking out names and reorganizing things in the house to make room for baby’s things and talking about “next year we will have to get a babysitter for our anniversary” and “we won’t have another birthday without being parents”, etc.  For my baby to be alive and for this pregnancy to be uneventful and healthy. 

God I know you are in control, but I hurt so much right now.  I know that with you I will be able to keep moving forward and will be able to look forward to the future with hope.  Please continue to bring me that peace that only you can bring.

Friday, September 3, 2010

“Trust” by Sanctus Real

A fellow blogger, Abby, sent me the link to a blog written by the lead singer from Sanctus Real and his wife.  Matthew and his wife are pregnant with a baby with a rare congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.  It is amazing to read through their blog and to see their faith and trust in the Lord even in their time of the unknown.  They believe that their “boy was knit perfectly together in [her] womb (Psalm 139:13) and that God intended him to be this way with a specific purpose in mind.”  I love that perspective because I also believe that about our little baby.  God knit our little one together and for reasons that we might not know until we get to Heaven allowed this specific child to go on to Heaven to be with Him.  But He still has a purpose for our little one even though he or she never made it to experience this life.  We can already see the Lord working through this situation and know that He has big plans up His sleeve.  :)  The below song is a song that Matthew has written in the face of their unknown.


Lest I’m tempted to forget
I’ll tie Your love around my neck
I’ll write Your words upon my heart
Lord, I won’t forget how good You are

I’ll dwell upon Your faithfulness
I’ll rest within Your promises
And when I’m walking through the dark
Lord, I won’t forget how good You are

I will trust, I will trust You
I will trust You Lord with all my heart
And I won’t forget how good You are
No, I won’t forget how good You are

You gave me everything I have
My whole life is in Your hands
When what I fear is closing in
Lord, Your faithfulness will never end

I will trust, I will trust You
I will trust You Lord with all my heart
And I won’t forget how good You are
No, I won’t forget how good You are

Even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even when the hardest times of life are at hand
Even in darkness, even in questions
Even in the times that I’m not meant to understand

I will trust.


You can listen to this song here.

The song is based on Proverbs 3:3-6.  “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck,  write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Thursday, September 2, 2010

We feel the love…

We have been so surrounded by the support of our friends and family!  Have I mentioned that before?  :)  Every day we check our mail and there are many many sweet cards, we check our email with encouraging emails and blog comments, we have phone calls and texts, flowers and plants being delivered to our house, meals being dropped off…I really am in awe of the people God has brought into our lives.  I just wanted to pass on some scripture that others have shared with us.  Was the whole Bible written for me??  :)  Amazing how Scripture speaks to each of us in whatever situation we might be facing.  I love how God gave us His word and uses it to comfort us and bring us healing.

Isaiah 26:3-4 (ICB)  “You, Lord, give true peace. You give peace to those who depend on you. You give peace to those who trust you. So, trust the Lord always. Trust the Lord because he is our Rock forever.”

Philippians 4:7 (Living Bible) “Peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand; that will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus."

Psalm 22:24 “For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.”

Romans 8:26 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans and moans that words cannot express.”

Romans 8:28  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Psalm 46:1-2 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.”

Jeremiah 17:7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.”

Psalm 71:20-21 “Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

Psalm 138:7  “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.”

Psalm 143:8 "Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you."

Isaiah 40:18-31 “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Nahum 1:7 “The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.”

Matthew 5:4  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Matthew 11:25-30  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Revelation 21:4  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."