I don’t even know where to start…my feelings and emotions are so all over that I don’t know how to write a coherent blog post. One minute I am feeling hopeful. Hopeful that a) my baby is in heaven and b) that we are able to get pregnant. Then the next minute I am sad because I miss my baby. I miss knowing that there was a little life that was half me and half Barry growing inside of me. Sad that all of the hopes and dreams we had for this little one and for ourselves are gone now. Sad when I walk into the now empty bedroom that was going to be our baby’s room. Sad when I think of all of the upcoming days that are going to be so hard. Sad that I was so close to not working outside of the home anymore and being a full time mommy and now I have to go to work again indefinitely. Then I am mad…mad that we were so close to having a baby in our arms finally and then that baby is gone. Mad about all of the Very Cool God things that were happening that now don’t make sense. Then I feel the peace that only God can bring me because God is still in control and even though those things don’t make sense to me, He doesn’t lie and all of this is a part of His plan. Then I am mad again because I am in physical pain still trying to recover from the D&C. And then I am sad again because of why I had to have surgery. Then I get scared because I again don’t know what the future holds and I have no idea when we will be blessed with a baby to hold in our arms. And then more scared because how will I ever enjoy another pregnancy after what happened with this one? I don’t ever want to have to go back to the RE but want to experience pregnancy again and want to be a mommy with a baby to show for it. Sometimes it feels hard to breathe because of the sadness. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything. I know that is all part of the grieving process but I just don’t want to be grieving. I just want to wake up from this bad dream and it all to be over with. Rewind two weeks ago when we were looking at nursery furniture and picking out names and reorganizing things in the house to make room for baby’s things and talking about “next year we will have to get a babysitter for our anniversary” and “we won’t have another birthday without being parents”, etc. For my baby to be alive and for this pregnancy to be uneventful and healthy.
God I know you are in control, but I hurt so much right now. I know that with you I will be able to keep moving forward and will be able to look forward to the future with hope. Please continue to bring me that peace that only you can bring.