Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Sadness, Madness, Hopefulness, Scaredness…

I don’t even know where to start…my feelings and emotions are so all over that I don’t know how to write a coherent blog post.  One minute I am feeling hopeful.  Hopeful that a) my baby is in heaven and b) that we are able to get pregnant.  Then the next minute I am sad because I miss my baby.  I miss knowing that there was a little life that was half me and half Barry growing inside of me.  Sad that all of the hopes and dreams we had for this little one and for ourselves are gone now.  Sad when I walk into the now empty bedroom that was going to be our baby’s room.  Sad when I think of all of the upcoming days that are going to be so hard.  Sad that I was so close to not working outside of the home anymore and being a full time mommy and now I have to go to work again indefinitely.  Then I am mad…mad that we were so close to having a baby in our arms finally and then that baby is gone.  Mad about all of the Very Cool God things that were happening that now don’t make sense.  Then I feel the peace that only God can bring me because God is still in control and even though those things don’t make sense to me, He doesn’t lie and all of this is a part of His plan.  Then I am mad again because I am in physical pain still trying to recover from the D&C.  And then I am sad again because of why I had to have surgery. Then I get scared because I again don’t know what the future holds and I have no idea when we will be blessed with a baby to hold in our arms.  And then more scared because how will I ever enjoy another pregnancy after what happened with this one?   I don’t ever want to have to go back to the RE but want to experience pregnancy again and want to be a mommy with a baby to show for it.  Sometimes it feels hard to breathe because of the sadness.  It is really hard to get motivated to do anything.  I know that is all part of the grieving process but I just don’t want to be grieving.  I just want to wake up from this bad dream and it all to be over with.  Rewind two weeks ago when we were looking at nursery furniture and picking out names and reorganizing things in the house to make room for baby’s things and talking about “next year we will have to get a babysitter for our anniversary” and “we won’t have another birthday without being parents”, etc.  For my baby to be alive and for this pregnancy to be uneventful and healthy. 

God I know you are in control, but I hurt so much right now.  I know that with you I will be able to keep moving forward and will be able to look forward to the future with hope.  Please continue to bring me that peace that only you can bring.


  1. My heart aches with you. There are no words to say. I'm sorry. And not even that covers all that my heart groans for you. Look to the left. Look to the right. God is right there. He is listening to you. He is angry and sad too. This was not how He intended His children to be -- this is part of the fallen world. I'm so sorry.

    I thought of you and closed my eyes
    And prayed to God today.
    I asked what makes a Mother
    And I know I heard him say.
    A Mother has a baby
    This we know is true.
    But God can you be a Mother
    When your baby's not with you?
    Yes, you can He replied
    With confidence in His voice
    I give many women babies
    When they leave is not their choice.
    Some I send for a lifetime
    And others for a day.
    And some I send to feel your womb
    But there's no need to stay
    I just don't understand this, God
    I want my baby here
    He took a breath and cleared His throat
    And then I saw a tear.
    I wish I could show you
    What your child is doing today.
    If you could see your child smile
    With other children and say
    "We go to earth to learn our lessons
    Of love and life and fear.
    My Mommy loved me oh so much
    I got to come straight here.
    I feel so lucky to have a Mom
    Who had so much love for me
    I learned my lesson very quickly
    My mommy set me free.
    I miss my Mommy oh so much
    But I visit her each day.
    When she goes to sleep
    On her pillow's where I lay.
    I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
    And whisper in her ear.
    Mommy don't be sad today
    I'm your baby and I'm here."
    So you see my dear sweet one
    Your children are ok
    Your babies are here in My home
    And this is where they'll stay.
    They'll wait for you with Me
    Until your lesson is through.
    And on the day that you come home
    They'll be at the gates for you.
    So now you see what makes a Mother
    It's the feeling in your heart.
    It's the love you had so much of
    Right from the very start.
    Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
    Until their time is done.
    They'll be up here with Me one day
    And you know you're the best one!
    -Jennifer Wasik

  2. Waiting
    "But those who wait on the Lord will find strength. They will fly high like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. The will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

    helplessly, longingly, I cried:
    Quietly, patiently,
    lovingly, God replied.

    I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....

    and the Master so gently said,

    Wait? you say wait?
    my indignant reply.
    Lord, I need answers,
    I need to know why!

    Is your hand shortened?
    Or have you not heard?
    By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

    My future and all to which I relate
    hangs in the balance
    and you tell me to Wait?

    I'm needing a yes,
    a go-ahead sign.
    Or even a no,
    to which I'll resign.

    You promised, dear Lord,
    that if we believe,
    We need but to ask,
    and we shall receive.

    Lord, I've been asking,
    and this is my cry:
    I'm weary of asking!
    I need a reply.

    Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
    as my Master replied again, Wait.
    So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
    and grumbled to God,
    So, I'm waiting
    for what?????

    He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
    and He tenderly said,
    I could give you a sign.

    I could shake the heavens and
    darken the sun. I could raise the dead
    and cause mountains to run.

    I could give all you seek
    pleased you would be.
    You'd have what you want
    you wouldn't know Me.

    You'd not know
    the depth of My love
    for each saint.

    You'd not know
    the power that I give
    to the faint.

    You'd not learn to see
    through clouds of despair;
    you'd not learn to trust
    just by knowing I'm there.

    You'd not know the joy
    of resting in Me
    when darkness and silence
    are all you can see.

    You'd never experience
    the fullness of love
    when the peace of My spirit
    descends like a dove.

    You would know that I give,
    and I save, for a start,
    But, you'd not know the depth
    of the beat of My heart.

    The glow of My comfort
    late into the night,
    the faith that I give
    when you walk without sight.

    The depth that's beyond
    getting just what you ask
    From an infinite God who
    makes what you have last.

    You'd never know should
    your pain quickly flee.
    what it means that My grace
    is sufficient for thee.

    Yes, your dearest dreams
    overnight would come true,
    but, oh, the loss, if you missed
    what I'm doing in you.

    So, be silent, my child
    and in time you will see
    that the greatest of gifts
    is to truly know me.

    And though oft My answers
    seem terribly late,
    My most precious answer
    of all is still........


  3. You have been on my heart so much. May God wrap you in His arms and fill you with peace as you grieve.

  4. Just sending you love as I know where you are, and I know how this road hurts, and I wish no one else would have to join this club and feel those pains. Knowing that God is holding you in the palm of His hand and praying for His peace and calm to envelop you!

  5. My heart and being cry for you... This whole situation saddens me so, but I know that isn't a fraction of how you feel. I love you and I pray God shower you with blessings and mercy... and most of all peace.

  6. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. My heart is crying for you. I know what you're feeling (with different circumstances attached). I pray for God's peace to comfort you. He does have a plan! You are holding on to the right things. God Bless!!!

  7. Just checking in with you - wanted you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you. I wish I could hug you, do something to make it better....just know I care and am praying.