I don’t even know where to start…my feelings and emotions are so all over that I don’t know how to write a coherent blog post. One minute I am feeling hopeful. Hopeful that a) my baby is in heaven and b) that we are able to get pregnant. Then the next minute I am sad because I miss my baby. I miss knowing that there was a little life that was half me and half Barry growing inside of me. Sad that all of the hopes and dreams we had for this little one and for ourselves are gone now. Sad when I walk into the now empty bedroom that was going to be our baby’s room. Sad when I think of all of the upcoming days that are going to be so hard. Sad that I was so close to not working outside of the home anymore and being a full time mommy and now I have to go to work again indefinitely. Then I am mad…mad that we were so close to having a baby in our arms finally and then that baby is gone. Mad about all of the Very Cool God things that were happening that now don’t make sense. Then I feel the peace that only God can bring me because God is still in control and even though those things don’t make sense to me, He doesn’t lie and all of this is a part of His plan. Then I am mad again because I am in physical pain still trying to recover from the D&C. And then I am sad again because of why I had to have surgery. Then I get scared because I again don’t know what the future holds and I have no idea when we will be blessed with a baby to hold in our arms. And then more scared because how will I ever enjoy another pregnancy after what happened with this one? I don’t ever want to have to go back to the RE but want to experience pregnancy again and want to be a mommy with a baby to show for it. Sometimes it feels hard to breathe because of the sadness. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything. I know that is all part of the grieving process but I just don’t want to be grieving. I just want to wake up from this bad dream and it all to be over with. Rewind two weeks ago when we were looking at nursery furniture and picking out names and reorganizing things in the house to make room for baby’s things and talking about “next year we will have to get a babysitter for our anniversary” and “we won’t have another birthday without being parents”, etc. For my baby to be alive and for this pregnancy to be uneventful and healthy.
God I know you are in control, but I hurt so much right now. I know that with you I will be able to keep moving forward and will be able to look forward to the future with hope. Please continue to bring me that peace that only you can bring.
My heart aches with you. There are no words to say. I'm sorry. And not even that covers all that my heart groans for you. Look to the left. Look to the right. God is right there. He is listening to you. He is angry and sad too. This was not how He intended His children to be -- this is part of the fallen world. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteWHAT MAKES A MOHTER
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay
I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!
-Jennifer Wasik
Waiting
ReplyDelete"But those who wait on the Lord will find strength. They will fly high like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. The will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
Desperately,
helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently,
lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....
and the Master so gently said,
Wait.
Wait? you say wait?
my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a yes,
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a no,
to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
We need but to ask,
and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, Wait.
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
So, I'm waiting
for what?????
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
and He tenderly said,
I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek
and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want
but
you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.
You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.
You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.
You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.
You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But, you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.
You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee.
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer
of all is still........
Wait.
You have been on my heart so much. May God wrap you in His arms and fill you with peace as you grieve.
ReplyDeleteJust sending you love as I know where you are, and I know how this road hurts, and I wish no one else would have to join this club and feel those pains. Knowing that God is holding you in the palm of His hand and praying for His peace and calm to envelop you!
ReplyDeleteMy heart and being cry for you... This whole situation saddens me so, but I know that isn't a fraction of how you feel. I love you and I pray God shower you with blessings and mercy... and most of all peace.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a big hug right now. My heart is crying for you. I know what you're feeling (with different circumstances attached). I pray for God's peace to comfort you. He does have a plan! You are holding on to the right things. God Bless!!!
ReplyDeleteJust checking in with you - wanted you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you. I wish I could hug you, do something to make it better....just know I care and am praying.
ReplyDelete