I am utterly amazed and in awe at the peace the Lord has brought me today. I dreaded this day with everything in me and was crying as we left the house this morning not wanting to go. But God surrounded me with His peace like I have never felt before. Sure there were still tears shed, but I have been at such peace there is absolutely no explanation for it than my Heavenly Father answering the prayers from each of you.
We got to the hospital bright and early at 5am this morning and since I was one of the first people there they took me back almost immediately to a room. They got me all doped up on medicine (Zofran for nausea, Pepcid to get rid of stomach acid and Reglin for something to do with the stomach) then sent me on to the pre-op area. They put in my IV there and got me started on some Versed, which did not make me “relax” like it claims it will and has done for me in the past. My nurse in that area was very sensitive and he told me that he was really sorry for our loss. Several random people came in and out doing various things prepping me for surgery and the only thing that I really hated about that is that each new person asked what procedure I was having performed today. I guess it’s their way of trying to prevent errors (each of them also asked my name and birth date and compared it to my wristband), but having to say over and over that I was having a D&C was quite difficult. I have had surgery several times before so I was very familiar with all of the procedures and protocol, but today’s purpose was so different than all of my other surgeries. I did keep thinking, last time I had surgery here I was having surgery to help get me pregnant (my laparoscopy last year) and now this surgery is to get me not pregnant. That was also difficult to stomach.
After last Tuesday when we saw no heartbeat I had stopped touching my stomach, looking at it in the mirror, etc. But I am blessed that God brought a fellow infertility/loss blogger to my blog and she shared with me that she came to see those days as God giving her a few more days to hold her baby. I am so glad that she shared that with me and allowed me to look at it that way. After I read her comment, Barry and I both have been touching and holding my belly, treasuring our last few days with our baby. We know that our baby is in Heaven, but we do feel blessed to have had every single day with that little one, even those days after we knew that little life was not there anymore. I spent the morning treasuring those last few moments holding my belly.
After they took me back to surgery I was given the general anesthetic pretty quickly and obviously do not remember anything until waking up in recovery. The surgery itself only took about 30 minutes. I was really crampy and I was shaking when I woke up but they got some Demerol in my IV and in a matter of seconds my body was able to relax. I had another sweet nurse that was stroking my head when I opened my eyes for the first time. I starting crying when I realized where I was, and that the surgery was over and my sweet nurse started tearing up with me. She had a baby that only lived for 9 days and told me that she could understand my pain. She stood there stroking my head, feeding me ice chips and talking to me until it was time for me to leave. We talked about God’s plan and how He was in control. God placed her in my path for reason, I really needed that compassionate touch and reminder of His love at that time and will always remember that nurse.
Once I got back down to the outpatient surgery room and my dear hubby, that same nurse gave me a huge hug before she left. I was in more pain at that point so I was given some Percocet and finally got to drink and eat something. In case you don’t know me in real life, I am always always hungry…especially with pregnancy hormones still surging through my body, going without food for so long was very difficult. But I got some saltines, graham crackers and a coke in me. It was my first time drinking a coke since December because of Sugar Busters and then because I was an anal “don’t drink caffeine while pregnant” girl. It made me sad to be able to drink a coke, but God was strengthening me so much that it didn’t make me cry. Just made me sad in a nostalgic way. As soon as I could get up and use the restroom we were on our way back home where I then took a Loritab because I was starting to hurt again a little by that point. My goodness there were a lot of drugs in my system today…
That was a lot of details about the day, and you are a trooper if you are still reading. Maybe it’s the drugs making me think that everyone cares about all those little details… :)
Throughout the entire morning at the hospital and this whole afternoon and evening at home I continue to feel at peace. I know I keep saying that, but it really is something that I didn’t expect to feel so strongly. Why do I doubt God’s ability to keep me at peace when He has never let me down before?
Barry has been the best caretaker husband in the entire world and I am so blessed to have him in my life. All of your emails, comments, texts and calls today have been an incredible comfort to us also. Thanks to each of you that continue to lift us up in prayer, we feel it more than you can imagine.