This and That

I find myself at times detaching from the internet blogging world because it is easier…I don’t want my life to go back to being consumed with infertility 24 hours a day, part of me is sick of having my personal business for the world to see, it is difficult watching those who have been “here” with me previously move on to birthing children, even blogging itself is a reminder of what we have lost and how far we still have to go…I don’t know.  It is easier to live life sometimes not blogging and commenting all of the time, if that makes any sense.  I think you have to do whatever it is to function and get through each day, and detaching a little bit is how I am coping right now.  That is not to say that I don’t daily pray for each of you, and still read up on your posts but I don’t feel like I can be as involved as I once was right now.  I don’t know if that makes any sense…

I still experience reminders every single day of what I so desperately want and have lost.  Before we became pregnant I was jealous of pregnant bellies and mothers with young babies…now it just makes me so sad.  Unless you have lost a child I don’t think you can fully understand the depth of the sadness, sometimes it feels so consuming. 

One example of those daily reminders…We had the nursery on Sunday and a little girl told me she was getting a baby from Santa.  Then she excitedly asked me, “Is Santa bringing you a baby for Christmas??”  Consuming sadness.

I normally love love love Christmas time.  Getting out the decorations and Christmas music normally brings me such joy I can’t wipe the smile off of my face, but not the case this year.  We got the Christmas decorations out this past weekend (I know it is early, but it was then or never) and I was so not in the Christmas spirit.  It was a chore putting them up and even now that they are up they aren’t bringing me joy like they have every other year of my 28 years on this earth.  I was supposed to be 7 weeks away from giving birth this year at Christmas, opening presents for my baby, buying a new DSLR camera to capture all of those upcoming happy baby moments, but instead I won’t be doing any of that.  Christmas is just another painful reminder of what we have lost.  Consuming sadness.

I don’t mean for this post to be depressing, but I want you to know my heart.  That is where I am, that is how I feel, that is what I am thinking.  There it is.  My devotional the other day was on transparency.  It said this…

“Transparency is being willing to let others see who we really are and what is really going on in our heart and life. In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, the Apostle Paul writes, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." In other words, comfort and encouragement are cyclical.

When I choose to be transparent about my struggle with [infertility and loss], I position myself to receive and give comfort and encouragement to others fighting that same battle. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? It is - if we choose to be transparent.”

So, here I am being transparent.  It is hard to let yourself be so vulnerable, but I have learned through this period of my life it is the best option.  Hopefully, through being transparent, by sharing our struggles, the Lord will bring healing.

There is hope.  Even through the consuming sadness -especially through the consuming sadness, even when it is hard to even blog or to read others blogs, even with the painful daily reminders of what we have lost…God is still holding me…He is still holding YOU.  He will never let us go, He will never leave us alone, He will never give us more than we can handle – if we place our trust and our hope in Him.  In the words of Babbie Mason (lyrics from “Trust His Heart”), “So when you don't understand, When you don't see His plan, When you can't trace His hand, Trust His heart.”  God will work out all of the details, all I have to do is TRUST HIM to do so.  Sounds so simple and yet it so hard to live out every day…