Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This and That

I find myself at times detaching from the internet blogging world because it is easier…I don’t want my life to go back to being consumed with infertility 24 hours a day, part of me is sick of having my personal business for the world to see, it is difficult watching those who have been “here” with me previously move on to birthing children, even blogging itself is a reminder of what we have lost and how far we still have to go…I don’t know.  It is easier to live life sometimes not blogging and commenting all of the time, if that makes any sense.  I think you have to do whatever it is to function and get through each day, and detaching a little bit is how I am coping right now.  That is not to say that I don’t daily pray for each of you, and still read up on your posts but I don’t feel like I can be as involved as I once was right now.  I don’t know if that makes any sense…

I still experience reminders every single day of what I so desperately want and have lost.  Before we became pregnant I was jealous of pregnant bellies and mothers with young babies…now it just makes me so sad.  Unless you have lost a child I don’t think you can fully understand the depth of the sadness, sometimes it feels so consuming. 

One example of those daily reminders…We had the nursery on Sunday and a little girl told me she was getting a baby from Santa.  Then she excitedly asked me, “Is Santa bringing you a baby for Christmas??”  Consuming sadness.

I normally love love love Christmas time.  Getting out the decorations and Christmas music normally brings me such joy I can’t wipe the smile off of my face, but not the case this year.  We got the Christmas decorations out this past weekend (I know it is early, but it was then or never) and I was so not in the Christmas spirit.  It was a chore putting them up and even now that they are up they aren’t bringing me joy like they have every other year of my 28 years on this earth.  I was supposed to be 7 weeks away from giving birth this year at Christmas, opening presents for my baby, buying a new DSLR camera to capture all of those upcoming happy baby moments, but instead I won’t be doing any of that.  Christmas is just another painful reminder of what we have lost.  Consuming sadness.

I don’t mean for this post to be depressing, but I want you to know my heart.  That is where I am, that is how I feel, that is what I am thinking.  There it is.  My devotional the other day was on transparency.  It said this…

“Transparency is being willing to let others see who we really are and what is really going on in our heart and life. In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, the Apostle Paul writes, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." In other words, comfort and encouragement are cyclical.

When I choose to be transparent about my struggle with [infertility and loss], I position myself to receive and give comfort and encouragement to others fighting that same battle. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? It is - if we choose to be transparent.”

So, here I am being transparent.  It is hard to let yourself be so vulnerable, but I have learned through this period of my life it is the best option.  Hopefully, through being transparent, by sharing our struggles, the Lord will bring healing.

There is hope.  Even through the consuming sadness -especially through the consuming sadness, even when it is hard to even blog or to read others blogs, even with the painful daily reminders of what we have lost…God is still holding me…He is still holding YOU.  He will never let us go, He will never leave us alone, He will never give us more than we can handle – if we place our trust and our hope in Him.  In the words of Babbie Mason (lyrics from “Trust His Heart”), “So when you don't understand, When you don't see His plan, When you can't trace His hand, Trust His heart.”  God will work out all of the details, all I have to do is TRUST HIM to do so.  Sounds so simple and yet it so hard to live out every day…


  1. Thanks for your honesty and transparency. It's probably so hard to see right now, but God is USING you in mighty, mighty ways.

  2. Just sending you love and encouragement as I know these feelings all to well, and I know it's hard to keep reading sometimes! Happy Thanksgiving, try focusing on the turkey for now, and get through that before you force yourself to try and enjoy Christmas. I'm thankful that you share your struggles, your transparency is helping others!!

  3. I can't imagine how difficult this Christmas season will be for you, but know that I am praying that God will extend an extraordinary sense of peace and comfort to you (HUG)

  4. Aren't you thankful God loves us and gets us through the "THIS and THAT" of life!

    I'm SO thankful for you!

  5. Thank you for your honesty Lisa. I know how much you do genuinely LOVE the Holiday season, fall, Christmas, pumpkin spice candles, etc. I agree with DeniFay though if it still takes one day at a time then so be it. You take as long as you need to grieve and heal. I continue to pray for you and can't possibly begin to know the struggles, fears and unknowns you have faced over the last years. Although you may not see it you continue to be an inspiration to many and who knows who is out there that really needed to read your blog post today! Sending prayers for peace, comfort and lots of hugs through this Holiday season and every day.

    Oh and by the way, I heard you on the radio the other day and it sounded GREAT!

  6. Please keep writing.

    I recently came across your blog. I too have struggled with infertility and had two miscarriages this year. I also have the MTHFR mutation...I feel so connected to you and we've never met.

    I look forward to learning from you and reading the scriptures you share. So, hang in there! And keep writing! You are an encouragement to me!

  7. i know what you mean about "disconnecting." i really appreciate you being honest. it is actually so encouraging to me...i will be in dothan the rest of the week and will be praying for you while i am there. please know this.

  8. I LOVE that song- thanks for reminding me of it! Praying for you!

  9. I totally understand the need to disconnect for a awhile. I'm quite impressed that u got those Christmas decorations up. Maybe... "If you build it, they will come." The Christmas spirit will come. Day by day. I really do wish you joy for the holidays. And I echo the sentiment that I too have been encouraged by your blog so I hope you will continue to blog if it brings you any comfort and joy.

  10. Yep I've disconnected quite a bit lately too. It's horrible how long it's been since I've blogged. And I haven't read blogs for several weeks till now. You have been a huge encouragement to me. Yours is one if the first blogs I read when I see it come up on the list. Prolly cuz your so encouraging :). Hang in there, I'll be praying your Christmas spirit will hit you in a remarkable way this year.

  11. I hear you... I was supposed to have been 34 weeks by now. I so don't want to do Christmas this year!

  12. You are so wonderful... and I know that at times the sadness comsumes you. It is so hard to be reminded every second of every day what you have lost... and just like you said, it is so easy to say but so hard to live out. Trusting that God is enough is easier said and done... I so many times ask, 'God please give me something I can feel, hold, touch...' Our desire for tangible grace and mercy can sometimes drag us into the pit. But God is even there, reaching out His hand. I love you so much and continue to pray for you. I thank you for all that you have helped me through.

  13. I just wanted to say that you are thought about by me daily and I pray for you often....I know these are difficult times but I am glad that you have your faith to get you through them...Hang in there and keep connected to God he will ease some of your pain...Many hugs your way!!!

  14. So thankful to find your blog ... God has an amazing way with you for helping all of our hurting hearts.

    Hugs from (frozen) MN, even though I do not know you!
    I hope you find healing that you are helping to heal all of us.
    May God comfort you during these hard times.


  15. I agree with others are saying you too have inspired me and give me faith on the hard days. The Christmas as the years go by...God will help you through them. It is so hard to see others who have what you should have. Two years ago I lost my first child on Dec 4th and Christmas has been very hard since them but I just look to God and he leads the way. God is working on a wonderful mircle for you...It has taken others out there and people like you to help me realize what God is doing and that he does have the big picture....I'm going to keep praying for you...