Depression

I was depressed. I was in despair. I was sad. I was mad. I was scared.

I am finally reading the devotional I was a contributor to (Adopted For Daily Life: A Devotional for Adopting Moms - check it out! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1511824387/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_5-5mwbTC65SK1 ). In one chapter the author is talking about depression. Depression is common in adoptive parents for many reasons. It made me think back to the early days and months after the stroke. 

First, we didn't know if I'd even live. And when it looked like I'd live, if we'd be able to get Elijah (the stroke was 4 days after court, during the mandatory 30 day wait to pick him up from the orphanage). I remember the nurses saying "They WERE adopting". "NO that is MY son," I would think. Anyway, how God worked that all out is for another blog. 

Back to my original thoughts, we bought exchangeable plane tickets, hoping I would still go. Then that became apparent that was not going to happen. So, my parents and Barry made the trip while I was still in the hospital. They brought me home the day after they came home with Elijah (after a week in the hospital and a month at rehab). 

I wasn't able to connect with Elijah, because I wasn't able to bathe him, change his diaper, feed him, etc. We did what we could but.... 

Barry was just starting a new job with shift work, I suddenly was having to quit my job, we were having to make modifications to the house, figuring out how to be parents to a child who has spent 21 months in a hospital/orphanage and coping with my MANY obstacles due to the stroke. I went from being very independent to being dependent on Barry or my mom to help me on the toilet, do my makeup - EVERYTHING!

Wow. There were many tears. It was very dark. I wondered if I would ever feel normal again. 

BUT, I can smile now. I can laugh despite being in a wheelchair with crazy vision, not being able to feel my right side, with a gimpy (my right hand), with constant headaches, tremors and high tone. I can enjoy life despite being in constant pain. Why? 

Psalm 40:2-3 NIV

[2] He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. [3] He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.

I take no credit. HE is my deliverer. Wow, He has brought me through the darkest time of my life. HE is the reason I feel like life is "normal" again. HE is the reason I can smile. HE is the reason I can laugh. Praise the Lord!

George Mueller

Have you heard of George Mueller? Our pastor has talked about him and then his story (he completely RAN an ENTIRE orphanage on prayer and faith!) was in the Bible Study I'm doing at therapy (while I'm on the treadmill...harnesst in). His story is SO convicting. If we are doing His will, we need to pray BELIEVING. Below is an excerpt from his story.  (Christianity.com)

 "The children are dressed and ready for school. But there is no food for them to eat," the housemother of the orphanage informed George Mueller. George asked her to take the 300 children into the dining room and have them sit at the tables. He thanked God for the food and waited. George knew God would provide food for the children as he always did. Within minutes, a baker knocked on the door. "Mr. Mueller," he said, "last night I could not sleep. Somehow I knew that you would need bread this morning. I got up and baked three batches for you. I will bring it in." 

Soon, there was another knock at the door. It was the milkman. His cart had broken down in front of the orphanage. The milk would spoil by the time the wheel was fixed. He asked George if he could use some free milk. George smiled as the milkman brought in ten large cans of milk. It was just enough for the 300 thirsty children

Bathrooms

This is awkward to write, but in keeping with my honesty moto...something that people don't think of is bathrooms for people in a wheelchair with a gimpy (my nickname for my right hand). We need family restrooms and they are hard to find! Not every store has one. We have to plan our outings around them because I can't go in just anywhere. Bet you never thought of that, did you? 

Three Years

Friday marked three years since my stroke. THREE YEARS!! Woah! It seems like another lifetime. I look at pictures and it seems like someone else. I have come SO far since that time. God has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding, and three years later, I can genuinely say, I am content. The contentness and peace are not from me! I give ALL credit to The Lord!!

Randomness

- I am reminded by so many things lately that life is brief. Jesus is coming. Know where you're going!

- In our "Life Group" (or whatever it's called), we are studying Freedom in Christ. Unloading the dishwasher was discussed - doing everything for His glory, praying as we do it, thanking Him that we have one...I, and I encourage you, to thank Him for the ABILITY to load/unload the dishwasher/do laundry/etc. I went so long NOT being able to do these everyday tasks! It takes me a lot longer to do these tasks, but I CAN! For that, I praise God. 

- We are starting the process of building a house - a place that is actually accessible!! I have been near tears several times thinking of how much easier life wil be. I won't run in to walls or cabinets, I will be able to reach sinks, I will be able to do laundry without almost falling out of my chair...it is so exciting!! Yet so expensive. Accessibility stuff for a house (more space, wheelchair bars, one story, electronic door openings) is often more expensive. Not cool. 

- Monday was the three year anniversary that a Russian judge said we could adopt Elijah! Praise the Lord!  Friday is the three year anniversary of my stroke. I am alive!!