Depression

I was depressed. I was in despair. I was sad. I was mad. I was scared.

I am finally reading the devotional I was a contributor to (Adopted For Daily Life: A Devotional for Adopting Moms - check it out! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1511824387/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_5-5mwbTC65SK1 ). In one chapter the author is talking about depression. Depression is common in adoptive parents for many reasons. It made me think back to the early days and months after the stroke. 

First, we didn't know if I'd even live. And when it looked like I'd live, if we'd be able to get Elijah (the stroke was 4 days after court, during the mandatory 30 day wait to pick him up from the orphanage). I remember the nurses saying "They WERE adopting". "NO that is MY son," I would think. Anyway, how God worked that all out is for another blog. 

Back to my original thoughts, we bought exchangeable plane tickets, hoping I would still go. Then that became apparent that was not going to happen. So, my parents and Barry made the trip while I was still in the hospital. They brought me home the day after they came home with Elijah (after a week in the hospital and a month at rehab). 

I wasn't able to connect with Elijah, because I wasn't able to bathe him, change his diaper, feed him, etc. We did what we could but.... 

Barry was just starting a new job with shift work, I suddenly was having to quit my job, we were having to make modifications to the house, figuring out how to be parents to a child who has spent 21 months in a hospital/orphanage and coping with my MANY obstacles due to the stroke. I went from being very independent to being dependent on Barry or my mom to help me on the toilet, do my makeup - EVERYTHING!

Wow. There were many tears. It was very dark. I wondered if I would ever feel normal again. 

BUT, I can smile now. I can laugh despite being in a wheelchair with crazy vision, not being able to feel my right side, with a gimpy (my right hand), with constant headaches, tremors and high tone. I can enjoy life despite being in constant pain. Why? 

Psalm 40:2-3 NIV

[2] He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. [3] He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.

I take no credit. HE is my deliverer. Wow, He has brought me through the darkest time of my life. HE is the reason I feel like life is "normal" again. HE is the reason I can smile. HE is the reason I can laugh. Praise the Lord!