I Know You Know

Here is some old school Christian music for you. :) I love the old school songs and I re-found this one the other day. It's so perfect for where I am right now...actually, it's perfect for everyone wherever they are! (This is my first time posting from my phone...so hopefully the formatting looks OK...). Read through the lyrics and enjoy!

"I Know You Know" by Sierra

I can trust and choose Your will for me
Or I can choose to trust my own
But every time I do
I end up on my knees
Longing for Your arms to lift me up

I can take the roads You lead me down
Or I can turn and go my way
But every time I do
I end up on my knees
Longing for Your arms to lift me up

I know You know
Just what I need
I know You have a plan for me
So I'm going to take your lead
And I won't worry what the future holds
'Cause I know You know

I can hear just what You have to say
Or I can hear just what I want
But every time I do
I end up on my knees
Longing for Your arms to lift me up

Lord, You're faithful in everything, everything
You're the rock I'm leaning on

Surviving the Holidays

What am I doing to survive the holidays? Avoiding family and friend get togethers that involve infants or pregnant people as much as possible. I hate having to do this because I LOVE BABIES with all my heart (and love my family and friends!)…but it is just too painful this year. In past years I have not looked forward to being surrounded by infants that everyone is swooning over but this year I am dreading it with everything in me. After losing our baby…after believing that I would be 8 1/2 months pregnant this Christmas…with 4 newborns being part of one of my family get togethers…I just can’t do it. To all my friends and family…I love you…but I AM going to be avoiding some of you this year. :)

It takes some humility to admit that. (Although does it take away from the humility if I admit that it took humility??) I want to pretend like I’m Super Woman and that I have no problems functioning normally after our loss. It’s hard admitting that some things are just too much to handle. It’s hard having those I love know that I am avoiding them. But I do want to be honest, because my guess, OK it’s not a guess, I KNOW that many of you feel the same way. Loving your family, loving your friends, loving babies but just not wanting to face it all. And you know what? I think that it’s OK to feel that way. I believe that your true friends and family will understand. We don’t have to pretend like we are super human. It’s OK to admit that we can’t handle certain things.

What you might ask is so hard about the Christmas season for those of us who are struggling with infertility and baby loss? Why let me count the ways…The fact that the holiday is all about a baby – songs, stories, decorations – all about a baby, the fact that families get together and you are forced to watch all of the babies and other children wishing you had one to add to the chaos, wishing you could be buying YOUR child Christmas presents and hanging YOUR child’s stocking, getting Christmas cards in the mail every stinkin day full of baby faces and beautiful family portraits while you sent one out with a picture of just you and your husband, Christmas also is apparently a great time for pregnancy announcements, lines of children at every mall waiting to sit in Santa’s lap…I seriously could go on and on. I HATE feeling that way because Christmas is not all about that commercialized mess and I HATE taking away from the true meaning of Christmas…but the fact remains, those feelings are there, those constant reminders are all around and it is hard.

This article from the Creating a Family website is great about how YOU can get through the holidays. I encourage you to check it out if you are a fellow infertile, have lost a baby or really if you are anyone that loves an infertile or someone who has lost a baby. I think it might give you some additional insight on how hard this time of year can be for some of us.

I want each of you to know that you are ALL in my prayers this Christmas season!!

What are YOU doing this Christmas to stay sane??

Trust

Trust seems to be a common theme in my life these days.  :)  Not only am I living it, but little devotionals and Bible verses keep popping up everywhere about trusting Him.  The living it part…I am currently on my second cycle of birth control pills.  I was put on them last cycle because my lining was too thick and then after being on them for an entire month I go back and find out that I now have a cyst.  Huh?  Confusion at how I formed a cyst while being on birth control pills…because that shouldn’t happen.  Somehow my body went ahead and ovulated even while being on birth control…which makes no sense, especially for a gal that supposedly has problems ovulating.  Weird, weird, weird.  So, I have a cyst and had to go back on birth control (a different kind this time) to help the cyst subside.  Being on birth control while desperately trying to have a child is not my idea of a good time, but guess what…I have to trust Him.  For whatever reason the Lord is allowing this to happen.  If it was His timing that we would start back with fertility treatments and get pregnant this cycle…then it would have happened.  It didn’t happen that way though, so I choose to trust that He has it all worked out. 

I find it strange, and yet not strange at all knowing the peace that the Lord gives, that I am at peace with being on the pill for the second month in a row.  I am SO beyond ready to have a baby in my arms, my baby, but feel incredibly at peace with being “on hold” for now.  God is good.

Following the theme of trust, I found this little tidbit on Alicia’s blog.  It is from a devotional book called “Jesus Calling”. 

"Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without my help. This is a subtle sin- so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.

The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help, Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently."

TRUST.  He’s got this under control.

Stepping Stones Holiday Edition

I don’t know how many of you receive the Stepping Stones newsletter, but if not, I recommend them!  Stepping Stones is a Christ centered ministry that is a program of Bethany Christian Services and is aimed at offering couples support through infertility and pregnancy loss.  Check them out here and sign up for the free newsletters!  Anyway, they sent a special holiday issue out this year and I wanted to share.  Check it out here.  I have another article about getting through the holidays that I will be sharing soon…