I have decided that I would like to live in a bubble secluded from the rest of the world. OK, not really…but a part of me does. Let me explain…
If I was walking this journey without people’s ignorant comments, without watching others who are pregnant around me, without hearing friends announce that they are pregnant, I could do it. I would still be extremely upset at the end of each cycle, don’t get me wrong, but it would be much easier. I am happy with our lives – I like being able to travel, I like being able to sleep in, I like spending quality time with my husband. But I would give those things up in a millisecond to become a mother. However, I can trust the Lord that His timing is perfect much better when I don’t see other people who God is allowing to be on a different timeline. Am I making any sense?
I can handle this infertility stuff until these things are shoved in my face…and I know they aren’t REALLY shoved in my face, but they sure feel that way. Yesterday it was a friend’s Facebook status. It was so not a huge deal, but her status comment about her pregnancy really irked me. It was not meant that way but it upset me. She knows that we are struggling with infertility and still updates her status with pregnancy stuff a lot. To me it would be like knowing your friend was having major financial difficulties, had lost their job, was about to foreclose on their house and my status being “I still can’t believe I won the lottery! Man, I am having fun spending all this money!” Wouldn’t that hurt your friend? Wouldn’t you think twice before rubbing that in their face? I know the world doesn’t revolve around me and I don’t want all of my friends having to think before they speak or before they status update…but being honest, it did bother me.
I decided I wanted to go run…I get this urge sometimes. And I am sadly not a runner. But sometimes I just want to run. So I tried. However my asthmatic lungs were really not very happy with me. I ran my little heart out for maybe 2 minutes and then thought I might die and had to walk the rest of the time. This only made me more upset because the one thing I wanted to do right then– run – my body was failing me with. Just like infertility, I feel like my body is failing me. So this awesome revelation brought me to tears. Here I was now walking/running through my neighborhood (which is well lit by the way and I was running around 5pm so there were people around) with tears streaming down my face, sniffling like crazy and gasping for air. I am sure it was a lovely lovely sight.
I know the Lord is helping me get through experiencing infertility under the influence of the rest of the world. I couldn’t do it without Him. But He is doing more that just getting me through it, He is USING it to witness to others, He is USING it to form me into His image. If I was in a bubble I would be missing out on using infertility for His purposes. I would be missing out on His blessings.
I know all of this but it is still so difficult some days. I want to just delete my Facebook account, not answer my phone and never leave home. But I know this is not the Lord’s plan for my life. So I trudge on…praying, trusting, praying and trusting. Thanking God that I don’t live in that secluded bubble after all.