What am I doing to survive the holidays? Avoiding family and friend get togethers that involve infants or pregnant people as much as possible. I hate having to do this because I LOVE BABIES with all my heart (and love my family and friends!)…but it is just too painful this year. In past years I have not looked forward to being surrounded by infants that everyone is swooning over but this year I am dreading it with everything in me. After losing our baby…after believing that I would be 8 1/2 months pregnant this Christmas…with 4 newborns being part of one of my family get togethers…I just can’t do it. To all my friends and family…I love you…but I AM going to be avoiding some of you this year. :)
It takes some humility to admit that. (Although does it take away from the humility if I admit that it took humility??) I want to pretend like I’m Super Woman and that I have no problems functioning normally after our loss. It’s hard admitting that some things are just too much to handle. It’s hard having those I love know that I am avoiding them. But I do want to be honest, because my guess, OK it’s not a guess, I KNOW that many of you feel the same way. Loving your family, loving your friends, loving babies but just not wanting to face it all. And you know what? I think that it’s OK to feel that way. I believe that your true friends and family will understand. We don’t have to pretend like we are super human. It’s OK to admit that we can’t handle certain things.
What you might ask is so hard about the Christmas season for those of us who are struggling with infertility and baby loss? Why let me count the ways…The fact that the holiday is all about a baby – songs, stories, decorations – all about a baby, the fact that families get together and you are forced to watch all of the babies and other children wishing you had one to add to the chaos, wishing you could be buying YOUR child Christmas presents and hanging YOUR child’s stocking, getting Christmas cards in the mail every stinkin day full of baby faces and beautiful family portraits while you sent one out with a picture of just you and your husband, Christmas also is apparently a great time for pregnancy announcements, lines of children at every mall waiting to sit in Santa’s lap…I seriously could go on and on. I HATE feeling that way because Christmas is not all about that commercialized mess and I HATE taking away from the true meaning of Christmas…but the fact remains, those feelings are there, those constant reminders are all around and it is hard.
This article from the Creating a Family website is great about how YOU can get through the holidays. I encourage you to check it out if you are a fellow infertile, have lost a baby or really if you are anyone that loves an infertile or someone who has lost a baby. I think it might give you some additional insight on how hard this time of year can be for some of us.
I want each of you to know that you are ALL in my prayers this Christmas season!!
What are YOU doing this Christmas to stay sane??
Oh Lisa, my heart is just breaking for you as I read this. I have been thinking of you and praying for you so much lately (and been meaning to get in touch). I relate so much to what you have said here. I have been trying so hard not to let it all overwhelm me, but last night the thoughts came crashing in - two years ago at Christmas I was newly pregnant. I remember how overjoyed we were and how wonderful it was to celebrate that news with our families, and then our world fell apart. It is just so hard.
ReplyDeleteTo stay sane, I am trying to focus on the true reason for Christmas. The DDP from Sarah's Laughter on 12-14-10 has really been speaking to me, in particular this part:
"Hopelessness. Darkness. Shattered with the birth of this tiny Savior. Fear and hope collide in a cataclysmic explosion of joy! Every anxiety humanity will ever face is answered in the cry of this newborn King. That night in Bethlehem, love was so strong, so overwhelming that God wrapped Himself in human flesh and became God, Emmanuel, God with us. A love so powerful that God would not stay removed from us anymore. He came and involved Himself in our lives, in our hurts, in our fears. Because of the birth of Jesus Christ, fear lost its stronghold in our hearts. Fear is overwhelmed in the presence of God Almighty. Emmanuel is with us. We have been given hope!"
Praying for you!
Making Manhattan's. Hahahahaha ;-)
ReplyDeleteNo seriously, I'm trying to focus on giving to others, following God's example of giving us His Son. It is really helping me to be excited to imagine the looks on our family members' faces when they open the gifts we've selected for them. It has helped me (in a small way) to take the focus off myself.
That is today. Check back on Christmas Eve, when my period is supposed to start....
This is really my first Christmas as a true infertile....and I have to say, this is hard! Christmas used to be my favorite time of year. I told my husband yesterday that I didn't even want it to be Christmas. Isn't that horrible! I guess I am just trying to remember who God is and find peace in that. It is so hard not to let the enemy steal our joy, especially this season. Praying for you...I know you have been doing this way longer than I have and your faith gives me encouragement!
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking about you a lot...I'm so glad to read that you are stepping away from situations that will be too difficult. Remember that you don't have to be the hero. It is okay to be just where you are in your grief. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI get it. It's how things are but not how they should be. There is a time for all things, and now is our time to grieve. We know that joy will come in the morning, but we don't know exactly when our morning will be.
ReplyDeleteThree weeks ago my sister and BIL moved OS to live so this Christmas I'm making sure that my Mum is surrounded by loving friends and family all day long. This means a big, happy (and baby-and-pregnancy-free) lunch with my in-laws and then I'm hosting Christmas dinner for the first time! I'm planning a cocktail and canape evening with a small group of people who love my Mum and know about my and DH's situation. I wasn't looking forward to Christmas, but by changing my focus to look after my dear Mum I'm thinking like it will be ok. Plus, I've got lots of house renovating to finish, menus to plan and presents to buy in time for the big day so I have plenty to distract me!
I will be thinking of you and praying for you during this Christmas season.
I feel the same way you feel. Honestly I am so glad we have moved so far away from our family at this time so I don't have the pressure of having to pertend to be the I can handle it all girl. I have been trying so hard for the last 2 years to be that person. The person that is always happy and nothing is wrong and I have learned to fake it well. Every day at work listening to people talking about what they bought their babies and telling me about the outfits. I just say oh how wonderful and then walk away. If I wasn't at work I would just start crying my eyes out. It is a little easier this year but I don't think that feeling will ever go away. I wish you the best of luck and I love that you are willing to share. It helps the rest of us feel like we are normal and that its ok to be that way..Praying for you :)
ReplyDeleteLisa, I love you and my heart breaks with the thoughts you are sharing. I ache for you to be pregnant and getting to share in the joy of this season without any reservations. I can only pray that God will get you through this and that this time next year you will have either a new baby or one on the way.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) While you are praying for others as you have such a big heart, know that you too are being covered in prayers...
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