I just wanted to share a little annoyance in my life right now. I knew this comment would come, and boy has it!
“Well, you know what is going to happen, don’t you? I know so and so who adopted and got pregnant right after they brought their child home! That is totally going to happen to you!” Or something to that effect.
Oh how it is so annoying. I know people mean well and I know they are just sharing their experience but it really does grate on my nerves.
First of all, that is NOT the reason we are adopting. It is not a way to have a biological child. It is not a back up plan since we have not had a biological child. This is the path the Lord wants us on and it’s not a path that we have chosen to get us a biological child. Who knows what God has planned for us, but we are not adopting for that reason.
The funny thing is that I almost hope that we don’t get pregnant just to prove all of those people wrong. That is crazy to say, I know, after trying for over 3 years to get pregnant. But I honestly feel that way. I am as excited, if not more so, about this adoption than I would be if we were pregnant again.
Second of all, I DO believe that God sometimes uses infertility to bring children into loving homes through adoption. Sometimes He allows infertility for a season and then blesses couples with a biological child, but it does NOT always happen this way. And by people making the above comment to me it feels like they are implying that having a biological child is better in some way. Or that they think we are “settling” by adopting. I am probably reading into it, but that is how I interpret it.
Moral of the story is even if you know of someone who has gotten pregnant after adopting, that is the exception not the norm and that’s not my hope in this. It is not helpful to share such stories with families who are adopting. It cheapens the adoption in some way, at least in our minds. Oh yes, and if you have already said something like the above statement to me, I don’t hold grudges, so no worries. :)
Anyone other adoptive families out there get annoyed and frustrated by comments people make??
Awww honey, I'm sorry to hear this. It baffles me how insensitive people can be without even realizing it. :(
ReplyDeleteI totally understand this as I heard the same statement too and felt the exact same way as you. It's just something too hard for people who haven't walked the IF road to be able to understand the impact of that off handed comment. Arg!! Been thinking about you this week. Excited at what this year holds for you guys.
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister!
ReplyDeleteAmen! I feel exactly the same way. I have been meaning to write a post like this myself, but have never gotten around to it. What really kills me is when comments like this come from Christians. If someone does get pregnant after adoption it is because it was God's plan for that family and not because of anything the couple did (relax, take their minds off of it, etc). I have heard them all! As if any of us control the giving of life. I guess I feel like Christians should know better.
ReplyDeleteWe did not get any of those comments, but we got some odd ones when we came home. The most common one was, "Does he speak Russian?" He's 15 months old. Do any 15-month-olds speak a language? Since we have an only and that seems odd to most people, we get a lot of comments like, "Is that your only one? Time to have another." Is that really your business? I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteGoodness! I hear it all the time- I think it's gotten even worse after our placement with the boys- and yes, it makes me crazy too! It also makes me feel very forgotten and isolated, like I'm some sort of alien for even wanting to adopt. I also have people who are the complete opposite, which helps...I've even started a post on my computer about how to treat foster/adoptive families, all because of our experiences.
ReplyDeletePeople said that to me when we were trying to adopt and now that we've had a child, they say "oh look what happened!!". Um, I had to pay boat loads of money to do fertility treatment to get pregnant, this didn't happen "because we tried to adopt!". I agree with you 100%!!!
ReplyDeleteI have already gotten this comment about a billion times, and we're only in the every beginning stages of looking into adoption!!!
ReplyDeleteWe have not pursued adoption (yet) but have heard this 'friend of a friend got pregnant after adopting' story more times than I can count - the last time being just last week while chatting with my neighbor. You are right, there is almost an implication that we should simply pursue adoption in the hopes that this miracle of natural conception happens to us. Like you, part of me hopes this never happens to us because, as wonderful as it would be, we would also become that cliche 'friend of a friend' story, you know? The bottom line: I want God to be glorified in however He puts our family together, whether than includes more biological children or not. I have actually started telling people after these 'friend of a friend' stories that, in fact, that does not happen for everyone, and as an infertile couple, we want to roll our eyes when people say this to us. Of course, I say it in a kind way. :) But if people are never told how this affects us infertiles and adoptive parents, they will go on saying it to others. I hope by my pointing this out to them they think twice before saying it to another couple going through infertility/adoption.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm SO there with you! I hear this *all the time* and it frustrates me to my core. It's almost like adoption is then treated as a "means to a more desired end" rather than a perfect ending unto itself. Sigh... I guess not everyone can understand what is in our hearts...
ReplyDeleteI truly want to believe when people say horrid things like that they are 'just trying to help' and in reality have no idea how to, nor realize things like that hurt! I have gotten so many cliche sayings I've lost count.
ReplyDelete1 in thousands get pregnant with an IF diagnosis after adopting, but they only see that one. I get the positive thinking but it makes me then think the adoptive child is less wanted, desired, or important than the one conceived yourself. Hugs!
I don't know how many times I've heard that comment! So very annoying!
ReplyDeleteI just don't understand! When we were trying for so long people would say "just adopt". Now that we are adopting people say "as soon as you adopt you will get pregnant".
ReplyDeleteI have learned how to be a much more compassionate person throughout this journey and I now have a LONG list of "what not to say".
Hi! I just found your blog through another adoption blog I read and I am excited to follow along on your journey. We have two little boys adopted from South Korea and they are the biggest blessings ever! We got this comment ALL the time when we started the process and it used to drive me crazy! People really do not see how adoption can be the answer - not just a step on the road to the "real" answer of getting pregnant. We are so thankful for the journey the Lord took us on to bring us our boys.
ReplyDeleteI wonder where all these "friends" are who suddenly got pregnant RIGHT AFTER adopting? I have never met a one of them. And I am NOT one of them, though my aunt was certain this would happen to me, too.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
Happy mom to 3 through adoption
It's part of the myth that adoption cures infertility and very common as you have discovered.As a senior adoptee, who has experienced reunion, I have to tell you being an adoptee is not the same as being a biological child! Von
ReplyDelete