Rambling…

I’m not really sure what to blog about…but I want to record my feelings each step of the way, so I thought I’d just start typing and see what comes out.

This wait is hard. Really hard. I really was at peace the entire time waiting for the referral, and I am still at peace knowing that God is totally in control…but this wait is much much harder. I have seen Elijah. I have held him. I have heard his adorable little cry and voice. I have been to Russia. It’s tough waiting on this side of things!

Barry and I both look at his pictures several times a day. We watch the video of him babbling every day. We just want him in our arms again!

I oscillate back and forth between getting exciting because we WILL get to bring him home to sick to my stomach because I want to bring him home right now. I mostly stay in the sick to my stomach side of things. I KNOW that God is in control, bigger than paperwork and will get us back to Russia in His timing, but I can’t explain how hard it is even with that knowledge.

The hardest thing for me is just the fact that we are missing out on his life. Every parent always talks about how quickly time flies and how fast their kids grow up…could you imagine missing the first 18 months, 2 years, 10 years of YOUR child’s life?!? Knowing that they are here on this earth, saying their first word, taking their first step, getting bumps and bruises, crying, wanting someone to hold them…and you can’t be there for them? It’s literally torture. I am so sad to be missing out on his little life.

Now, when you adopt, you know this is part of it…but after meeting that beautiful little boy it kills me to be missing out on all those little things. It kills me that I know he isn’t getting the proper nutrition and attention that he needs to develop fully. I know that he is in good hands, I know that his caregivers are doing the best that they possibly can and that they love him…but I want to be the one taking care of him.

It’s harder to get out of bed. It’s harder to eat. It's harder to get dressed. I’m not very motivated to work out. I like to sleep…because sleeping passes the time. Now, don’t get me wrong…I am still enjoying preparing for his arrival, I am still enjoying spending time with friends…life isn’t bad! :) But the down time is the worst. When I am busy, and as distracted as possible, things are better. But when I am home alone and work isn’t crazy busy, it’s sooo hard to get and stay motivated. I don’t like to cook anymore. I don’t like to clean (not that I really ever liked to clean…or cook...ha!) We’ve been eating out a lot because it gives us a little something to look forward to. Thankfully, we have learned many a secrets to eating out cheaply, but we seriously need to stop!

Anyway, that’s where I am right now. Just a waitin for those FBI clearances…if anyone knows anyone who works in the CJIS department of the FBI that I could pay off to process our paperwork quickly, let me know. Just kidding. Kinda.