“Hallelujah” by Heather Williams

This is a song Barry discovered this weekend.  I love the song and there is such meaning behind it.  Heather Williams lost her baby when he was an infant and this song came after that loss when she was really having a heart to heart with the Lord.  She says in an interview about the meaning behind the song, “I wasn’t mad at God and I wasn’t questioning God…but I had really made a decision to keep an open dialog with God….God likes that relationship.  The cry of hallelujah means [even in this broken place], I’m still going to say I love you, I’m still going to glorify you in anything and everything.  Through all of that I can stand because of God.”  I encourage you to listen to her story here. 

She is so right!!  We can’t hide our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions from the Lord…He already knows!!  He wants us to have open dialogue with Him, even when we are angry and upset and sad.  He can take it!  He wants us to talk to Him and to be open with Him about how we are really feeling.  And through it all He will always love us.  We can always sing Hallelujah because He is always holding us, always leading us, and will never leave us.  Hallelujah!! 

“Hallelujah” by Heather Williams

Jesus, please come
please come today
hear me
heal me
be near me I pray

I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today
I stumble and fall
but in spite of it all
your love always stays the same

Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Jesus, please come
please come today
break me
mold me
use me I pray

but don't give up on me now
I'm so close to you now
I'm in need of your grace today
wipe the dirt off my face
hold me in your embrace
your love always saves the day

Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I have fallen so far
flat on my face
I'm in need of your grace today

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah
Sing Hallelujah amen

On my knees here I fall
in spite of it all
Hallelujah

And though it seems hard
I'm still trusting you Lord
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

You can listen to the song here. 

Adding a Hematologist to the mix

I heard from my RE a couple of days ago.  He called at 6:30pm still working away at the office.  My OB’s office had faxed him my results and he wanted to discuss them with me...one of the only times I have been called from that office without me initiating the contact! He told me that he does not believe this MTHFR mutation is the cause of my miscarriages.  Through our own MTHFR research (including tons of advice from you guys – thanks!) and after talking to him, we have learned that basically this gene mutation can cause problems with your body metabolizing folic acid, which is obviously very important during pregnancy.  It can also cause blood clotting, also not a good thing while pregnant.  Some doctors have just began testing for this mutation while other doctors still do not test for it.  Research is still being conducted and some sources say that the mutation definitely causes repeat miscarriages, other sources say there is not a direct connection.  The problem is is that no one knows…and that is so frustrating!  If we found something that was definitely the cause, that had a proven “treatment” it would make this a teeny bit easier.  But the not knowing is so annoying.  If we “treat” this it may or may not solve anything.  Grrr.

Back to the conversation I had with the RE. He said that he thinks the best plan of action will be to begin taking a new prenatal vitamin that contains the active form of folic acid, so that my body will not have to metabolize it.  The vitamin is called Neevo and on the bottle it is described as “medical food”.  I thought that was quite funny for some reason…he also said that I should begin taking a baby aspirin a day and possibly go on heparin if and when we get pregnant again to prevent blood clotting.  Another recommendation was to not see the genetics counselor but instead to see a hematologist in Mobile who has done research on this gene mutation.  (I haven’t cancelled that appointment yet though in case we decide to still see the genetics counselor after talking to the hematologist.)  I like that idea…we will be sticking to 2 cities and she specializes in it!  After many a phone calls to my OB and RE, we were able to get an appointment set up with the hematologist for the week after next!  MUCH sooner than the genetics counselor!  We will also see the RE on the same day after we have met with the hematologist to discuss our plan of action. 

So, over all I guess I am feeling a little bit better about it all.  Still not excited :) but glad we are getting some answers and will be talking to someone who knows about the MTHFR gene mutation soon.  I just have to trust God that He’s got this under control!!!!

Tears and faith

Overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, sad, hopeless, frustrated, annoyed, mad, tired, crushed, heartbroken…

These are all words that express how I am feeling right now.  We had our follow up appointment with my OB today to discuss our lab work and here is what they found.

1.  The baby was a girl.  I am so glad that we were able to find out but my heart breaks more and more when I think about our little girl that we never got to meet this side of Heaven.  It makes it seem even more real and even more sad, if that is even possible.  I can’t stop crying.  The genetic testing came back normal.

2.  Barry’s lab work looked fine.

3.  Everything from my lab work came back in normal ranges except for part of the DNA analysis, which was definitely on my list of things I did not want to hear.  I have a single mutation (c677T)  in the MTHFR gene.  I’m not going to begin to try to explain it on here because I really don’t understand it all.  (Any information from those of you who might have this would be appreciated??)  My Dr. didn’t have much information for us except that he doesn’t see many cases of it and he wants to refer us to a genetic counselor.  Crushed.  He said that he is not telling us that we cannot get pregnant and carry a baby full term but he just isn’t the expert and wants to get a genetic doctor on board.  If and when we get pregnant again we would be followed by this doctor throughout the pregnancy.  We have been doing some research since we got home and I don’t know how to feel about it.

On one hand it’s good that they found something so that we have a starting point of what to try to “fix”.  On the other hand I reallly didn’t want to hear that Barry or I had some type of genetic issue.  Especially one that they don’t know that much about.  I am so aggravated that we are having to get yet another doctor involved, as I was already having enough trouble juggling 2 doctors in 2 cities.  Now we are adding a 3rd in yet another city.  OB in Dothan, RE in Mobile and Geneticist (or whatever he is) in Birmingham.  In case you aren’t familiar with Alabama geography, none of those cities are close together.  Each is about 3-4 hours away from each other.  PLUS I couldn’t get an appointment until the end of November!!  I am so frustrated that we don’t live in a city that offers the doctors that we need.  I keep reminding myself that we are blessed to have somewhat flexible work schedules though and dependable vehicles to get us to each doctor.

I am so angry that not only do we have multiple issues that contribute to us GETTING pregnant but we have issues KEEPING us pregnant.  Issues that doctors may or may not be able to help us with.  Issues that could prevent us from ever having biological children.  Issues that could cause us to have more miscarriages.  Issues that don’t go away without God intervening big time.

Today is just one of those days that I can’t be positive, I can’t smile, I can’t look on the bright side, I can’t stop crying.  I am just tired, so tired of all of this.  I wish that there was an end in sight and I am heart broken that there just isn’t.  I keep running back to the one thing I know is true though.  My hope and happiness are not to be found in what the world has to offer.  I have to place all of that in His loving and capable hands and trust that He knows best.  I have to “Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10.  I just came across this quote and I think it explains this scripture best… 

“So as your world crumbles around you, the call from Scripture is: don’t flinch in faith in God. Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know about God.

It is “God’s past” that provides calm for “our future.” Know that he is God! Know it, not merely intellectually, but practically, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth and the all-powerful Creator of the Universe.

If you are the last man or woman standing, be still. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do change” (Psalm 46:1-2a). Hallelujah!”

 

Message to myself today…Be still and know that God is still in control.

A Day to Remember…

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. In 1988, President Ronald Regan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.   Later, October 15th became recognized as the day to promote support, education and awareness for grieving parents nationwide.  According to a 2004 report conducted by the CDC, in 2000, 15.6% of pregnancies in the United States ended in either a miscarriage or stillbirth. 

There are so many mothers and fathers (and others touched by their losses) that are grieving the loss of their babies - today and every day.  Many of these families are suffering in silence.  Please take a moment with me to remember all of these lost lives and and to pray for all of those hurting parents throughout our nation and the rest of the world.  The pain never goes away…some things get easier as time passes, but the hurt, the lost dreams, the memories will always be there. 

I thank the Lord for the short time that we had with our little babies and for the knowledge that we will get to meet them one day.  I wish we had had longer, but we are so blessed to have had the time that we did.

Today, I have spent much time in prayer for Barry and I, for many of you, and for those men and women that I do not know who are also hurting.  I pray for peace, for strength to get through each day, for hope…Tomorrow, we are participating in A Walk to Remember here in Dothan.  I am looking forward to meeting other men and women who have lost their babies while remembering their short lives.

I appreciate all of the support and encouragement from each of you throughout this time in our lives.  I thank the Lord every day for each of you.  Thanks for remembering with us!

Bible verse of the day

from Pray Date: Where Angels' Mommies Meet

Lamentations 3:22-26

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Ramblings…

I am not really sure what to write about. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head and no logical way to organize them. Maybe I should bullet a few of my thoughts for the day.

- I still have not gone one day since our baby’s Heaven Birthday without tearing up, crying or completely losing it.

- I thought infertility was hard. Ha. Losing a baby on top of infertility is torture. Either one is difficult, but both of them…There are so many layers to the grieving. You are grieving over the loss of the baby and you are grieving over the fact that you tried for so long for that baby and you don’t know when or if you will get that opportunity again. I can’t just go pop out another baby like some people…And truth be told, that wouldn’t help anyway because I miss THAT particular baby.

- I am so happy for my many friends who have recently found out that they are pregnant or who are currently pregnant but words can’t express the pain that it also brings. Two of my best friends are due two weeks after I would have been due and it hurts so much. We should be celebrating pregnancy milestones together, celebrating our baby’s birthday’s together…and here I am back at square one with more pain than I know how to express.

- I AM blessed to have been able to experience pregnancy, to know with certainty that my two babies are waiting for me in heaven, to have supportive friends (even the pregnant ones), to have a great family...

- Getting your period after a D&C isn’t fun. It only reminds you of what you no longer have.

- I struggle with what to tell people because I don’t want to make people feel awkward. When someone says “do you have any children?” What do you say? Do you tell them “yes, I have 2 babies in Heaven”?

- I am annoyed at fertile people.

- Some days I just wish I had no filter and could tell people what I really think. I wish I could respond to people’s Facebook status’s or comments in the way that I really feel. I wish I could tell some people to shut up. I wish there was a way to make them really understand what we are going through. But that is just evil fleshy Lisa. I NEVER would REALLY want someone to experience the pain we have. I just want them to understand.

- I love being part of this infertility/baby loss community but it is also hard. As much as I want all of my blogger friends to have happy take home babies - I truly, truly do - I also want that to be me. I would like to put in a request that no one else get pregnant or birth a child before I do. Thanks. :) (FYI...through God's grace my love for each of you wins out over mean Lisa though. I still pray every day that God will bless each of you with healthy pregnancies and healthy babies...even if that happens to you before it happens to me. I promise.)

- I am glad that God knows all of my ugly, selfish, mean thoughts and still loves me!!!

That’s all for now…maybe I will expound on some of those later…aren’t you lucky. :)

Where are we going from here update…

I have gotten the question from several people, “what is the next step?”  And honestly…who knows.  :)  I had my follow up appointment at my OB on Tuesday and he said that I am physically healing well.  I am still in pain when I push myself at all working out and when we engage in extracurricular activities, if you know what I mean.  :)  He said that this is normal and might continue for a few more weeks while my uterus continues to heal. 

We did choose to do chromosomal testing on the baby, and surprise, they haven’t gotten those results back yet (they have to do the testing in Birmingham).  He was about to send me away when I asked him if we could begin some testing on Barry and I to see if we can find the cause of what’s going on here since it was my 2nd miscarriage (the first was back in March, an early loss miscarriage).  After I asked he agreed to start some blood work…but why in the world did he not suggest this without me having to advocate for myself??  I love my doctor, but I know they are all so busy and just don’t THINK sometimes.

My OB’s office contacted my RE’s office (without me ever asking) and they got on the same page regarding what blood tests we needed to have run.  I went back in on Wednesday morning (because I had to be fasting) and had 14 vials…yes, really…14! of blood drawn.  Barry went in yesterday afternoon and had 1 vial drawn.  Where is the fairness here??  They will be testing for a whole gamete of things (from autoimmune disorders to thyroid issues to chromosomal abnormalities to insulin levels) and we will have a follow up appointment in a few weeks to discuss the findings.  Maybe then we will have a better idea of what our next step will be.

I am pretty darn worried to be honest.  I know of many people who have had recurrent pregnancy loss testing and they have been able to find something and “treat” it to be able to sustain a future pregnancy.  But then there is also a chance they will find something genetically “wrong” with Barry or I and not be able to do anything about it.  Ignorance is bliss and I unfortunately am not ignorant in this area. 

I read in my devotional yesterday, “Every opportunity to worry is also an opportunity to trust Him.”  This moment I choose trust over worry and I will need to remind myself of this approximately 2 million times each and every day.  :)