Monday, July 30, 2012

Things Not to Say to An Adoptive Parent

Here are a few things that you should never say to an adoptive parent…things that I have experienced firsthand. I teach a training on how to talk about adoption in the community and how to respond to all of these difficult questions, so I hear a lot of dumb stuff. Things such as, How much did he cost? Why didn’t their real parents want them? Do you have any children of your own? Most of the time people really just don’t understand what is appropriate to ask and don’t think before they say things. As adoptive parents we have to learn how to respond appropriately because a lot of times these questions are asked while your child is present. Anyway, here is what I have heard thus far…

1. What’s wrong with him? OR I’ve heard so many horror stories about international adoption, haven’t you?

I have seriously been asked those questions by people that should know better. One incident happened last week and she went on and on about the problems that our child would most definitely have. Oh how I wanted to launch across that table and give her a piece of my mind. Sure, there are “horror” stories out there but there are SO many success stories.

2. Why would you adopt internationally when there are plenty of children in the US that need homes?

Now, I am totally fine with this question when asked out of honest curiosity. After all, part of my job is to recruit and train families interested in adopting from US foster care, I get that. But you can tell the intent of people’s questions and I have gotten this one several times in a condescending way. My answer? God led us to international adoption and this specific child AND every child deserves a chance to know Jesus. Argue with that. :)

3. You know, now that you are adopting you will get pregnant.

I’ve talked about this one before…it comes across as having a biological child is the goal of adopting which couldn’t be farther from the truth. It also happens that way very rarely.

4. Any updates?

Such a simple question, spoken from a caring/supportive place, I know. However, when you are asked that question several times a day, and some days, like Sundays at church, you’re asked it about 20 times and you have NO update, it’s a hard question! I want to just print up little cards that say “we have no update…trust me, we will let you know when we have one” and hand them out to people before they even get a chance to ask. That sounds harsh because I know people really do care but it’s not a fun one to give the same uneventful answer to over and over again.

5. One lady asked me once if I had seen that Lifetime special about a child who was adopted internationally and then her “real” parents came forward and the adoptive parents had to return the child to her "real" parents.

How she thought that story was helpful is beyond me. I had to explain to her how you use a reputable agency and that stuff doesn't happen, I also added in how adoptive parents were "real" parents and biological parents I think was the word she was looking for.

6. Oh, that’s a perfect age to bring a child home. You won’t have to deal with any sleep problems, they’ll be almost potty trained…you’ll skip out on all the hard parts.

Again, ignorance…people just don’t understand what a difficult transition it is for adopted children to go from experiencing one place, one language, a rigid schedule, specific caregivers, lots of other babies always being around, etc to taking them away from everything they have ever known, a new language, new people, over-stimulating environment, etc. They will grieve – they will more than likely have a ton of sleeping problems, eating problems, they more than likely will regress – losing skills that they once had, losing their language, learning to communicate again. It’s very sad for adoptive parents to miss out on any of their child’s life, so please don’t blow that off like it’s a positive thing to miss those things. Trust me, we will have plenty of sleepless nights, dirty diapers, etc.

I’m sure there are more but that’s all that’s coming to mind right now. Every single one of us have said things that we regret later, so I am not condemning anyone that has said any of these things, but I do want to educate. :)

All you adoptive parents out there, what inappropriate/frustrating/aggravating questions have you been asked?

16 comments:

  1. Hahaha I can SO relate to this! I laughed out loud about the "You'll skip all the hard parts..." one...obviously said by someone who has not adopted! And you're right - as if you'd want to miss part of your child's life. I always think though that these are probably the types of things I would have said to people had I not adopted, because it's hard to "get it" until you live it. I agree, too, that we can educate with compassion :)

    My number one annoying question was asked to me just a few weeks after our first son came home (he was 10 months old) and I had him in a carrier at church (it was just his second or third time to church) and someone asked me AND my husband separately if we were concerned that we were spoiling him by holding him and not putting him in the nursery!!! Um, yeah. Thanks for the insight. Just gotta laugh sometimes, right? :)

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    1. Ooohhh...that's a good one. The spoiling question. I've thought about that one before since I plan on using the ergo A LOT, not putting him in the nursery, not letting him cry it out, etc. People definitely don't understand, and we can't expect them to, but I also don't want to have to explain myself all the time!

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  2. I totally agree! When we were fostering the boys I received all sorts of comments- often times I think the basis of such commenting stems from curiosity and interest on their part, but it doesn't negate the fact that those types of comments are at best annoying and can be hurtful. There were definitely times when it was difficult for me to maintain a gracious attitude towards people when misguided comments were made, especially when they wounded a place in me that most people probably didn't even know existed!

    I think the hardest ones for me were those regarding pregnancy and information (which we got a lot). Often times there is only so much you can share (or even want to for that matter) information wise, especially in a situation like ours so finding that balance without being completely rude can be interesting.

    That said, I am super excited for you all!

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    1. Yes...people don't understand how hurtful and insensitive comments can be. I often find myself wanting to educate too much in the moment and burdening myself with explaining everything when sometimes I just need to let things go and not try to educate everyone. :)

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  3. "what if they end up like their parents?" well geez... I hope so since I am their parent!!!!!
    -April

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    1. :) Great example! And I hope they DO turn out just like you!!

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  4. Oh, so many, but the one that bothers me the most, is now that we have three under the age of 3, they are a sibling group, and so people that we haven't seen forever, see us now, and want to know a)what's wrong with them b)why we have them c)why we wanted to adopt-what's wrong with us or d) you have your hands full-YES!!!! I do, happily, waited 10 years to have them this full, and couldn't be happier, but sometimes as an adoptive mom, it would be easier to stay home in our bubble, and not worry about peoples comment's.

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    1. Other good examples! I think a hard one for me going along with the "why do you have them" is rude questions about my sons birth parents. I don't want people judging them or making negative comments about them in front of Elijah since part of his identity is tied to them! His story is his story, not my place to tell the world why he was placed for adoption.

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  5. As an adoptive grandparent-to-be, I also receive questions and comments that take me by surprise, occasionally. One is regarding not knowing Elijah's biological family's medical history. Well, I have the same problem. When completing medical forms, for example, it is very difficult for me to say exactly what my paternal grandparents died of. How would knowing change anything? How would worrying about it, even if I knew, add an extra hour to my life? I try to answer the question this way: Only God truly knows any of our history - medical and otherwise - and He says to trust Him and not to worry...about anything! Easier said than done, but we know the Creator of Elijah's life can be trusted with his biological family's medical history. :)

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  6. I am not an adoptive parent nor am I infertile ( AND some people feel strongly to adopt very early in life before they have any concerns about fertility and regardless of!)
    Why am I here? Because I read many different kinds of blogs, many about IF and adoption. I have four daughters and two losses. My adoption experience? My mother and her twin were adopted and we do not know her biological father at all and very little about her biological mother. So yes in a big agreement with the one commenter on that! We have GOD almighty our creator! He can surely manage!!! Incidentally my beloved aunt was killed 20 years ago by a drunk driver and oh how I sorrow over missing her stil!l and could only wish we had the worry of knowing she might have high cholesterol...we know not our days!

    Also Without going into detail about my own daughters, there are already issues For more than one that could seriously affect their fertility in the future. I don't know, but God does!

    I do not have a blog and rarely comment but felt compelled to add something here! First, what a very well put and informative post. Thank you. I am sorry for these questions and curious about one in particular-You will skip all of the hard parts? Umm-my oldest is 19 and it's still hard!! It's ALL hard parts! Yes there is joy!!! But I'd be baffled if anyone who'd spent any time with children in any setting or circumstance would say such a ridiculous thing! as I re-read these, again I am so sorry.

    You have a gracious attitude or sometimes the shock of some folks questions just takes your words. For instance, my husband is Italian and I'm Irish but we are both light in complexion. Two of my girls are very dark. A woman once walked up to me in a store and asked very loudly if my girls were all from the same man?! Really!! And what business is that of yours again?
    You'd think people would be politley discreet and keep their curiosity to themselves. Some folks are just terribly tactless universally no matter what...

    Anyways, again thank you for this helpful reminder. I'd like to think I always think before I speak but I sure appreciate the education to always be mindful that I don't know what folks are going through and it's none of my business unless they so choose to share. May God bless and comfort you during this wait, And bring Your Son to your arms soon!!

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    1. Thanks for your comment. :) I enjoy hearing others perspectives!

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  7. I so agree... it is crazy that people don't think before they speak and the fact that they don't understand how what they say affects others. Thank you for your beautiful witness and control. LOVE YOU!

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  8. This is wonderful to know and I just don't understand why if people have not gone through something themselves they feel the right to comment of provide advice. I do believe through educating others hopefully they will learn a little more about the process and not say that comment to others in the future. This is my personal goal when I receive IF questions and the whole, " why don't you JUST adopt?" questions..... like it is so EASY... I say I would LOVE to Adopt.... do you want to give me $25,000 or more and I'd be happy to start the process and then hold my hand each time a deadline is not met and I miss more of my child's life.... this usually makes them think... This is great post!

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    1. Haha, it's all about being polite/educational and sometimes slightly sarcastic :) in our responses.

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