Sigh...

So I am trying to trust but I am really struggling.

The doctors say we are fine, we are good to go, "fixed"...

But I just keep doubting.

Back in March when I went to my OBGYN to begin my infertility workup and Barry went to the Urologist for his, problems were found on both ends. My blood tests came back normal, the ovulation predictors said I was ovulating, the ultrasounds showed no cysts, but the symptoms I was describing indicated possible endometriosis, so my doctor recommended a laparoscopy. I was excited about it to be honest, because I want to be thorough, check out everything that could possibly be wrong so we can move on. Barry was found to have a varicocele causing low sperm count and low sperm motility. So the Urologist recommended a varicocelectomy. Without hesitation Barry agreed to have the surgery as soon as possible. So our surgeries were scheduled for within 2 weeks of each other. Go health insurance is all I can say about that. :)

My surgery went perfect...it lasted for about as long as the Dr. said it would, I was in and out of there pretty quickly. Of course I was asleep and very relaxed for most of it, so I am not sure if it was really quick, but that is how I remember it. :) The Dr. found some endometriosis and soldered what he found. They also did the dye procedure to check for tubal blockage and there wasn't any blockage - yea!

Barry's surgery was a nightmare. We got there at 5:30am and they took him back to the surgical holding area at 7:15, then I was alone. I thought I would be perfectly fine being there alone, but not so much. Never will I do that again! Hopefully I will never have to be in the waiting room with my husband in surgery again, but if for some reason I am, please someone come sit with me. :) I didn't hear ANYTHING until 10:45 when they took him to the OR. (He had to lay in the holding area by himself, in the dark, with the relaxing medicine wearing off for over 3 hours! And I was in the waiting area thinking for sure that they had forgotten to page me and the surgery should be over soon. Not so much.) Then I get another page at 11:50 that the surgery had started. (What did they do with him in surgery for over an hour before starting surgery?!?) Then a call at 2:30 that the surgery was finally over. It lasted over twice as long as they had expected because they had found 4 varicose veins, an accessory vein that they had to dissect and a benign tumor (that apparently is normal). So that is what took so long, but my goodness talk about an anxious wife. I kept going up to the receptionist asking the status and all they would say was that "surgery was in progress". I held it together until I had gotten that page that he was out of surgery and they let me go back into a private room to wait for Barry to come back. I broke down in tears at that point, I was just so glad to hear that he was out of surgery. It gave me a new respect for anyone who has loved ones having surgery!

After surgery our follow-up appointments went well, Barry's sperm count and motility have gone up exponentially and my OBGYN says that everything looks good on my end now. We were released saying to try for another 4-6 months and if we aren't pregnant by then to come back and they will investigate further.

Well, try telling my brain that...

At my last appointment when I asked my Dr. if there were any other tests to run or if I should go ahead and see an RE (there is not one ANYWHERE close to Dothan, so my OBGYN has been the one working with me all along) he said that he doesn't think it is necessary. He says that they found the "problems", "fixed them" and now we should be ready to conceive. He said that to investigate further doesn't make sense because they found problems and solved those problems.

I understand that, but I just can't relax with that knowledge. I keep fearing that there is still something else going on that we haven't found. I don't know if that is just me being pessimistic, or if the Lord is preparing me for not getting pregnant any time soon. I just don't know. But it is a daily struggle as my brain wrestles with the knowledge that we should be able to get pregnant soon and then the other part of my brain is arguing with it and doubting that it will happen anytime soon.

I debate getting a second opinion or calling an RE and trying to get an appointment...but then I tell myself that I really trust my current Dr. and don't think he would be leading me astray. But there is still doubt...

If only my brain could get into agreement and just relax knowing that we have done everything that the Dr. recommends and we should be seeing 2 pink lines soon!