“Your Hands” by JJ Heller

This is a great song that one of my good friends shared with me.  I love her voice too…

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Check it out on YouTube - “Your Hands”

New Cycle + No Cysts = New Possibilities!

The ultrasound went well yesterday!  No cysts!  Praise the Lord!!!  My RE actually ended up being in Dothan yesterday at my OBGYN’s office (he comes up here every 4-6 weeks).  I wish I had known so I could have made an appointment…I am not sure what exactly I would have discussed with him, but I feel like I need to take advantage of the days he is actually in my city!  But the ultrasound lady (the one I like, not the one who did my ultrasound last time and told me I had no cysts when I actually had 2 huge cysts) told me Dr. Inge was in the building.  After the ultrasound she went and found him to get him to look over the ultrasound results and to see if he wanted to talk to me.  And a couple minutes later there was Dr. Inge!  He pretty much just stuck his head in the room to say hi and to see if I had any questions, but at least I got to briefly talk to him.  He confirmed that the cysts were gone so we were good to go for this next cycle!  Woop-woop!

I took my first dose of Clomid 100mg last night and will take it for the next 4 nights (Cycle days 4-8).  Then I have a Day 13 ultrasound scheduled for March 3rd and we will see where to go from there.  IUI #2 would be sometime that week/weekend.  Here we go again!

Silly sperms

He he he…I found this on Tiffany’s blog and thought it was hilarious…I had to pass it on.  :)

I am going tomorrow morning to get my Day 3 ultrasound to see if those cysts are gone!  Please oh please be gone!!!

“What it Feels Like” by FFH

I heard this song for the first time in the car today and LOVE it!  I love it all, but I can especially relate to the “And this may not be the road I would choose for me, but it still feels right somehow."  I would NOT have ever chosen to walk through infertility but I know the Lord has His hand on me and I can see all of the good things that have come from it.  Sounds crazy but it still feels right somehow.

So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness
and this is what if feels like to come undone
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
unsure of anything or anyone
So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand
and this is what if feels like to hear my name
and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone
but feel love and peace just the same

And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led

So this is what if feels like to just fall apart
to be totally unglued 
to find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me, I get all of you
If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground
Careful of every step I take
Realizing as I stop to look around
I look around and see everything a different way

And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow 
and I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
and this is what if feels like to be led

So this is what if feels like to just walk away
from everything I thought kept me safe
to depend just on you for every meal
and find it's better this way
oh it's better this way

And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
like i do right now
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like

Check it out on YouTube - “What it Feels Like” by FFH

2 days left!

Only 2 more days of being on these blasted birth control pills!  I can’t wait to get rid of them…sooo praying that those cysts are gone!  These BCP’s have made me kind of nauseous…OK, really nauseous…the entire 3 weeks I have been on them.  I have debated calling the nurse several times to ask for a different kind of BCP but every time I just decide to suck it up and continue with this pack.  I had the stomach bug shortly after starting the pack and was never quite sure what was lingering stomach bug pains, what was acid reflux/heartburn and what was BCP stomach pains.  So, I just decided to live with the pain.  Having only 2 days left of nausea is extremely exciting.  I am a little concerned that the cysts are not gone though because I still am having some lower back pains – NOTHING like at the beginning of this cycle, but none the less, pains.  We will have to wait and see but for now we pray…I am praying that a) the cysts are gone and b) the Lord will have worked a MIRACLE and I will be pregnant this crazy BCP cycle!  :)

God’s Sovereignty

Awhile back a couple of my friends and I were discussing the sovereignty of God.  Great conversation which led to my friend Kim finding this awesome blog post below…I really encourage out to check it out!  The young man who wrote it has an amazing perspective on suffering and the Lord’s sovereignty. 

The Sovereignty of God in Suffering

Happy Weekend, Blah Weekend

The weekend started off great as we saw….

SNOW!!!!!Here we are with our snow PEANUT!  Dothan is known as the Peanut Capital of the World (very ironic because I am deathly allergic to peanuts).  They have “peanuts around town” that are painted and dressed up like a shopping peanut, a firefighter peanut, a cowboy peanut, etc.  So my mom suggested we make a snow peanut!  It took almost all of the snow in our front yard, but… :) And of course the customary snow angels!

Both the snow angels and the snow peanut look a little sad because you can still see grass and leaves, but around here we will take what we can get!  This was the first snow Dothan has seen in 17 years!!  CRAZY!  We had fun though, watching the snow and playing in it.  Ahh, great Friday.

Then the snow melted and life got poopy again.  :)  This weekend we got not one, but two pregnancy announcements from close friends.  One of my best friends in Alaska is pregnant with her second child and one of the guys that Barry carpools with is pregnant with their first.  So I just got finished hiding some more people on my Facebook news feed.  I hate doing it, but I want people to feel free to be excited and share info on their pregnancies, but I just can’t see it.  So they are blocked.  I love you dearly friends of mine, but I just can’t see that.  I am getting a chance to act out my love and not jealousy…sooner than I thought.  :)

On a happier note, we had a nice romantic Valentine’s dinner at home Saturday night, got to watch loads of Olympics (I LOVE the winter Olympics) and then on a blah note, did our taxes yesterday!  Woo-hoo! 

And that was our weekend…some good, some blah…

Envy

Ick…that’s such an ugly word isn’t it?  I don’t like to think of myself as an envious person…I like to “water it down” a bit and use the word jealous.  Jealous doesn’t sound so awful does it?  But they are kinda the same thing...and both equally as bad in the Lord’s eyes.  Envy is defined as “a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.”  Jealousy is “resentment against a person enjoying success or advantage, etc.”   I do believe we’ve all been guilty of these, I for one definitely have!  What have I been jealous or envious of?

I am jealous of the pregnant women all around me.

I am jealous of the families around me with children.

I am jealous of the mothers who get to come in and pick up their children from the nursery…leaving me, the nursery worker, empty handed once they are gone.

I am envious of the couples who do not have to schedule their sex lives.

I am jealous of the couples who can eat anything they want without having to worry about doctor recommended diets to help with fertility.

I am envious of women who get to pee on a stick and see two pink lines.

I am envious of women who get to announce "I’m pregnant!”

I am jealous of women who get have an OB ultrasound looking at a baby while I am stuck getting an ultrasound looking at cysts and follicles.

I am jealous of cute pregnant bellies.

I am envious of people who can still watch “A Baby Story” without tearing up and having to change the channel.

I thought about this a lot the other night and when it really comes down to it, I think the thing I am most envious about is other’s innocence.  Infertility innocence.  I am envious that those couples who don’t struggle with infertility can announce they are pregnant early on in a pregnancy not realizing the prevalence of miscarriages.  The innocence of couples who can post pictures of their babies all over Facebook not having a clue as to the pain it causes others.  The innocence of thinking that it’s easy to conceive.  The innocence of not having a CLUE as to the medications, blood draws, surgeries, schedules, appointments, doctors, regimens, emotions, etc. that consume the lives of us infertiles.  I think the innocence is what I most wish I still had.

I could go on and on about things that cause the evil jealous monster to well up inside of me.  But I want it to stop!  Not only are we commanded not to envy as the following Bible verses tell us, but if we are resenting someone, are we loving them as the Lord has commanded?  Answer…no!

“Stop your anger, turn from rage, do not envy others, it only leads to harm.” Psalm 37:8 (NLT)

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” Proverbs 14:30

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy…” 1 Corinthians 13:4

We are commanded not to envy others.  I have always known this, but this next part is what the Lord is really convicting me of recently.  According to the above definitions of jealousy and envy, if we are resenting someone for the things they have when it comes down to it we are discontent with what we have. Envy implies that there is discontent, we are “dissatisfied, not satisfied with what one is or has, wanting more.”  And if I am not satisfied with what I have, what an insult to the Lord!!  Think of how much it would hurt if we gave someone we dearly loved a present, the perfect present for that person.  And that person wasn’t satisfied with what we gave them, they thought the present was not enough and they wanted what someone else had on top of what you have already given them.  We would think what a jerk!  Shouldn't they be happy with that perfect present I have already given them!?  In essence this is what we are telling God when we look at other’s things and want more for ourselves.  We are telling God, “what you have given me is not enough.  I want more. Give me that _______”  When in actuality, He has already given us the perfect gift!  Not only did He give us the gift of salvation, look at all of the other blessings He has given us!!!  And He expects us to be content with what He has given us.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.” 1 Timothy 6:6-8

“…Be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”” Hebrews 13:5

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

Contentment.  This is what I strive for.  I honestly am content with where I am right now.  I KNOW that the Lord is in control of my life.  But I have to realize that the Lord is in control of others lives too, and He has a different purpose for that pregnant women than He does for me right now.  Not better, not worse, just different.  So I am striving to love those that I start to feel envious of and to turn those ugly feelings COMPLTELY over to the Lord.  I am SO blessed and I need to start living that way...content with where I am and what I have.  This is going to be hard, but “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength”!! 

Random Stuff about ME!

I was nominated for the “Beautiful Blogger Award” by Rachel from the Pughs!  Thanks Rachel!  You are supposed to pick 7 blogs and tell why you love them but I just simply couldn’t do it…I can’t pick my favorites.  So instead I will just tell you all – I love following your blogs!!  I love the encouragement that I get from reading each and every one of them.  I love the laughs.  I love the insight that each one of you have, I love seeing you all grow in your faith, and I just am very blessed that I get to be part of each of your lives!

The second part of the “award” was to tell some random things about yourself…I like that part.  Something similar to that was going around on Facebook awhile back, so I am just going to copy and paste what I wrote back in the day…

1. When I was younger I had a favorite blanket that I used to dress up in baby doll clothes. I put jewelry on it and everything.
2. I absolutely love Jon and Kate Plus 8 and it honestly makes me want to have sextuplets.  (OK, I don’t love them anymore after seeing the drama of their divorce…but I can’t take back the part about having sextuplets…I love love love multiples.)
3. I love the thought of coffee/lattes/etc. so much that I always order at least a grande size and only drink a few sips. It is more of a comfort to me than I actually enjoy the taste. I will even tell myself before I order to get a tall, and then when I get up there I panic and get a larger size.
4. I am a neat freak...I can't go to sleep at night until all of the dishes are clean, and everything in my house is back in its place.
5. I have an amazing husband who puts up with all of my oddities (he even helps me do the dishes and cook and clean so I don't go crazy!)
6. I have wonderful family and friends who are spread all over the US and I wish we could spend more time together!
7. I grew up in Alaska and have never had a white Christmas or ridden on a snow machine. But I did go ice skating and sledding at recess.
8. I carried around a baby doll (preferably a cabbage patch kid) until a very old age...like maybe 13 or 14...it is really sad, I know. I knew at the time that it was embarrassing and I just didn't care...I wouldn't carry them around in public, but at home...
9. Gasp, I love kids! Can you tell?
10. I love my job but I wish I was working directly with children.
11. I have been known to text while driving on occasion... (I can’t do this anymore with the iPhone…way too complicating to text and drive so I am now a safe driver!)
12. I once had an $800 cell phone bill.
13. I love post-it notes. I have them ALL over my desk. I love the feeling of crossing things off as they get finished.
14. I love wearing my hair in a ponytail, I do it as often as possible.
15. I am a born again Christian!
16. I used to HATE Facebook and MySpace, I vowed to never get an account, and then one day I caved. Here I am...
17. I eat oatmeal for breakfast almost every morning and the texture makes me gag...but it is good for me and a quick breakfast so I still eat it.  (I also can’t eat oatmeal anymore because of this sugar busters diet…)
18. I love labeling things...I went crazy with my label maker last weekend and almost everything in our house is labeled now. Even leftovers in the freezer.
19. I love flying, road trips and traveling!
20. I love grocery shopping, especially at SAMS.
21. I say that I am an Alabama fan (University of Alabama for everyone not from Alabama...you must pick an allegiance - Alabama or Auburn football), but I honestly don't care.
22. I love baking and I do not enjoy cooking.
23. I ALWAYS have toenail polish on my toes. But never on my fingernails.
24. The beach, Disney World, cold weather, snow, Hawaii, food, Christmas, watching my favorite TV shows, sleeping in, and so much more make me giddy. I am completely entertained by the little pleasures in life.
25. I never had a nickname growing up and it makes me very sad. My first nickname was when I went away to college and people called me Alaska or Alaska Lisa.

Me and my dressed up blankie! :)

Snow??

They are predicting that DOTHAN, AL will be getting snow tomorrow??  What, what?  That just doesn’t happen.  I have lived her for 3 years and haven’t seen as much as a flurry.  On the news this morning it said rain/snow mix with a possible accumulation of 1-2 inches!!  That would be absolutely amazing!!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE snow!  I hope the weather people are not going to get my hopes up!  Keeping my fingers crossed we will see white tomorrow!

Cool Quotes

I just have a couple quotes here that friends have shared with me lately that I wanted to pass on…

From "A Graceful Waiting" by Jan Frank (Thanks Rachel!)......"Waiting becomes worship when our as-yet-unfulfilled hopes and dreams take a secondary place to knowing, loving, and trusting our God."

From David Platt (Thanks Corrie!)- "The sovereignty of God is the only platform upon which we can deal with life's pain."

Pretty good, huh?  :)

New Adoption Blog

By that title you might think we are looking into adoption…very misleading, I apologize.  :)  I have created a new blog for work just for adoptive parents (or prospective adoptive parents!) It will have articles on child development, parenting the adopted child, how to talk to your child about adoption, etc.  It will also have information about local adoption events.  Check it out if you are interested, and pass it on to others who might be interested!

The Adoption Place

A post from “Anonymous”

Recently someone who chose to remain nameless posted the following comment (which I have slightly censored for decency):

“I think it's pretty f#$@& obvious your God doesn't want you to get pregnant...”

Since this comment was posted anonymously, I was not able to reply directly to this person, so I would like to take a moment to address this in my blog, with the hope that this person continues to check my blog.

First of all, let me say that “my God” is not only my God but the one and only true God, the Creator of the universe and everything in it. He is a loving God, and He loves the person who posted this comment just as much as He loves me, because we are both His creation, created for His purpose. For this reason, I don’t hold resentment in my heart for this person, but I only love them and forgive them for what was meant as a hurtful comment.

Second, I would have to agree that, up to this point, it has not been God’s plan for us to be pregnant, or we would have been already. God’s timing, just like God Himself, is perfect, and only that which God allows to happen, will happen. I find peace in the fact that God has our best interest at heart, and He controls what happens in our lives, and when it happens. We are not God, and do not think on the same level that He does, therefore, until He makes his plans known to us, we will not know what He has in store for us.

The Bible has many examples of where God’s people prayed for certain things, but the timing was not right at the time they were asking for them. A few stories specifically deal with the same issue that we are dealing with (See the stories of both Sarai (later Sarah), and Rachel, which are in the book of Genesis. Both women were not able to conceive early in their lives. Sarah, Abraham’s wife, became pregnant later (I mean way later) in her life, and Abraham would later be known as the father of the entire nation of Israel, with descendants “as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore” (Genesis 22:17). Rachel prayed for a child for years, but was barren. Eventually God granted her a son, whom she named Joseph. (Genesis 30:23-24). I’m sure these women heard hurtful things from other people about why God was not blessing them with children in their own time, but it was in God’s plan, just not right then.

Both my wife and I believe in our hearts that it is the will of God for us to have children one day. We don’t know when, or how this will come to pass, but we have faith that if, when, and how it happens is up to God.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

To Anonymous, I don’t know your situation, or your background, but even knowing nothing about you, I can tell you with 100% certainty that God loves you so much that He sent his Son to die for you (John 3:16). I also believe that you coming across this blog and reading it was not by mistake, as nothing happens by coincidence. We will be praying for you, and ask that others who follow this blog will do the same.

~Barry