Sunday, February 14, 2010


Ick…that’s such an ugly word isn’t it?  I don’t like to think of myself as an envious person…I like to “water it down” a bit and use the word jealous.  Jealous doesn’t sound so awful does it?  But they are kinda the same thing...and both equally as bad in the Lord’s eyes.  Envy is defined as “a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.”  Jealousy is “resentment against a person enjoying success or advantage, etc.”   I do believe we’ve all been guilty of these, I for one definitely have!  What have I been jealous or envious of?

I am jealous of the pregnant women all around me.

I am jealous of the families around me with children.

I am jealous of the mothers who get to come in and pick up their children from the nursery…leaving me, the nursery worker, empty handed once they are gone.

I am envious of the couples who do not have to schedule their sex lives.

I am jealous of the couples who can eat anything they want without having to worry about doctor recommended diets to help with fertility.

I am envious of women who get to pee on a stick and see two pink lines.

I am envious of women who get to announce "I’m pregnant!”

I am jealous of women who get have an OB ultrasound looking at a baby while I am stuck getting an ultrasound looking at cysts and follicles.

I am jealous of cute pregnant bellies.

I am envious of people who can still watch “A Baby Story” without tearing up and having to change the channel.

I thought about this a lot the other night and when it really comes down to it, I think the thing I am most envious about is other’s innocence.  Infertility innocence.  I am envious that those couples who don’t struggle with infertility can announce they are pregnant early on in a pregnancy not realizing the prevalence of miscarriages.  The innocence of couples who can post pictures of their babies all over Facebook not having a clue as to the pain it causes others.  The innocence of thinking that it’s easy to conceive.  The innocence of not having a CLUE as to the medications, blood draws, surgeries, schedules, appointments, doctors, regimens, emotions, etc. that consume the lives of us infertiles.  I think the innocence is what I most wish I still had.

I could go on and on about things that cause the evil jealous monster to well up inside of me.  But I want it to stop!  Not only are we commanded not to envy as the following Bible verses tell us, but if we are resenting someone, are we loving them as the Lord has commanded?  Answer…no!

“Stop your anger, turn from rage, do not envy others, it only leads to harm.” Psalm 37:8 (NLT)

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” Proverbs 14:30

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy…” 1 Corinthians 13:4

We are commanded not to envy others.  I have always known this, but this next part is what the Lord is really convicting me of recently.  According to the above definitions of jealousy and envy, if we are resenting someone for the things they have when it comes down to it we are discontent with what we have. Envy implies that there is discontent, we are “dissatisfied, not satisfied with what one is or has, wanting more.”  And if I am not satisfied with what I have, what an insult to the Lord!!  Think of how much it would hurt if we gave someone we dearly loved a present, the perfect present for that person.  And that person wasn’t satisfied with what we gave them, they thought the present was not enough and they wanted what someone else had on top of what you have already given them.  We would think what a jerk!  Shouldn't they be happy with that perfect present I have already given them!?  In essence this is what we are telling God when we look at other’s things and want more for ourselves.  We are telling God, “what you have given me is not enough.  I want more. Give me that _______”  When in actuality, He has already given us the perfect gift!  Not only did He give us the gift of salvation, look at all of the other blessings He has given us!!!  And He expects us to be content with what He has given us.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.” 1 Timothy 6:6-8

“…Be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”” Hebrews 13:5

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

Contentment.  This is what I strive for.  I honestly am content with where I am right now.  I KNOW that the Lord is in control of my life.  But I have to realize that the Lord is in control of others lives too, and He has a different purpose for that pregnant women than He does for me right now.  Not better, not worse, just different.  So I am striving to love those that I start to feel envious of and to turn those ugly feelings COMPLTELY over to the Lord.  I am SO blessed and I need to start living that way...content with where I am and what I have.  This is going to be hard, but “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength”!! 


  1. Wow Lisa, you've really spoke to me through this entry. I can't completely relate you everything you're feeling. I just recently quit my nursery job at the church. First, I needed to get myself back in church. Second, it was hard. I loved those babies, but they were never mine. I'm really struggling with evny and jealousy right now. Thank God, that we're not alone in our struggles. I think for sure, he leads us to eachother so we have someone who truly understands to lean on. Thank you again for your encoraging words and for including the scripture. It really brings me some peace.

  2. Great post, girl! Contentment is what we are striving for sometimes! I pray you have a peaceful know where your joy comes from!

  3. A beautiful and honest post. Praying that the "peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:7)

  4. I appreciate your honesty through not only this post but your whole blog and I think that everyone can relate to this particular post and feelings of jealousy. I dealt with alot of jealousy and envy when Ben and I were going through infertility treatments and I have to say that you are gracefully walking through this trial and its beautiful to watch you ministe to others through your pwn pain and suffering. It makes me feel even more priviliged to know you Lisa. Ive always seen myself as a strong christian and even a strong person but infertility put me at the rock bottom of my existence. I hit a depression unlike anything I have ever felt and I dont even know what to compare it to. I remember crying and praying for hours on end, all night sometimes, wishing that I could have just 1 baby...telling God I would stop at 1 if He would just give me one. God spoke to me that He wants to bless us as His children and we should not bargain with Him. I would keep praise and worship music blasting in my ears everywhere I went to remind me that He was near and knew my hurt and He loved me more than I could imagine. It blesses me to watch you stay so faithful and so trusting. Hold onto hope Lisa, I'm praying daily for you to not only get that miracle baby you so desire but that your heart would be eased of the pain it feels to go through this daily. I know how I felt (I'm not going to say I know how YOU feel because I don't) and its the hardest thing Ive ever gone through but God held my hand the whole way...and when you cant trace His hand, trust His heart. I hesitate to post sometimes because I never want Tanner to be in your face or be a constant reminder of the baby that you want so badly, I hope that instead of hurting you that I can encourage you by having been there and maybe Tanner can be a reminder that God still answers prayers, and miracles happen everyday. The cycle that Tanner was conceived, I was told that it was not going to happen and not to get my hopes up. I was told this by the doctor doing my ultrasound. It was devastating to hear but I kept praying fervently because God is our Great Physician and until He says its not going to happen I knew there was still hope for me. Thanks for opening your heart and letting the rest of us in, I am keeping you in my prayers every day.

    Love, Tiffany

  5. It is really hard to remember that God has a specific purpose for each of us, which does entail some people becoming pregnant before me, but that is one of my favorite "coping" mechanisms I have developed for dealing with my envy. I try to remind myself that I want my purpose to really be evident to others, and that just because someone is pregnant before me doesn't mean that they won't have trials/crosses of their own. Most of the time, this works pretty well to get rid of any jealousy. But it is still hard work. And frustrating when it is so evident that to them, having babies is like picking out what movie they should watch next- like it's totally up to them. So I totally know where you're coming from (hug)

    So glad we can band together as sisters in Christ and support each other through this!

  6. Such a great post!!! Contemtment is so difficult when you long for something/someone so deeply... Love the versus you included as well! If it's any comfort to you, I too am so jealous of everything you mentioned, plus so much more. Infertility sucks. But at the same time it's awesome to be apart of something that you know God is using to His glory!

  7. Very well written. I can relate 100% to this stinks to feel this way.

    I am praying that the Lord would give me peace and joy with whatever He decides for us. I will certainly pray for contentment.

    Thank you for sharing this with us!