Saturday, September 12, 2009

All consuming rambling thoughts

The past few days my thoughts have been so consumed with this stuff. I have never really understood before when people talked about their thoughts just being consumed with something. But oh how I do now...all day, that's all I can think night I dream about it. I think about us not being able to get pregnant, about others getting pregnant, about what else I can do - should I see a new doctor and get a second opinion, are my medications affecting our odds, am I drinking too much caffeine, am I working out too much, not enough, am I eating the right foods. I analyze everything in my life to see how it might effect getting pregnant. My days revolve around what time of the month it is. I have to live like I am pregnant - not taking certain medications (Ex: Tylenol, no Aleve or Advil), limiting my caffeine intake, taking my prenatal vitamins - and then each month comes to an end and I am not. The heartbreak each month is something that I can't even put into words. Getting pregnant for those with infertility problems takes soooo much planning and analyzing everything, that it loses so much of the spontaneity and enjoyment. And it becomes a task, a chore, an all consuming way of life.

But something else that I have really been thinking about as I have myself a little pity party, is that those with infertility problems are not the only ones going through tough times. Everyone has battles that they will face, whether that they are fighting them right now, in the past, or in the future. While the issues that we all face may be different, the comfort and peace that we all need is exactly the same. While I cannot expect others to understand what I am going through, I simply can't understand what they are going through. Financial struggles, having a child in the hospital, losing a parent, battling cancer, having significant health problems...I see all of these things going on around me and it helps me keep things in perspective. There are always problems bigger than mine.

Something that I have learned through all of this (and I have learned A LOT) is to have more compassion for others. I don't think I have ever been incompassionate, but this has taught me to be more sensitive to issues that others are facing that I might not even know about. While my battle is with not having a baby while others around me seem to be very fertile, others might be struggling with the fact that they are single and haven't found the right one while everyone else around them is getting married. They might be struggling with how to even pay the bills while others seem to be getting along just fine. Whatever our battle we all need compassion - from our friends and from our family.

"Compassion is a human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering." (Wikipedia)

I thank the Lord that through this tough time, He is teaching me the art of compassion.


  1. Hi, I found your blog on LFCA. Welcome to blogging! Blogging has helped me so much dealing with IF - it has given me an outlet for my feelings, enabled me to connect with others going through the same thing, and hopefully has allowed me to encourage others along the way. I hope you find the same to be true for you.

    I love what you said about compassion. I have found that the Lord has taught me the same thing through IF and pregnancy loss. I care about the suffering of others on a much deeper level now - it affects me more now.

  2. Welcome to the blog world. My first blog was called : So I wait for You , because I was also was waiting like you are now. After 3 years I was blessed with my baby girl and now my wait is over... then soon after that my husband of 8 years just walked away a and I find myself waiting yet again. Waiting and Trusting, not easy, but God has sustained me during these waiting periods and He will do the same with you. HUGS! I also learned a lot about compassion during my infertility and now single motherhood journey!