A Double Whammy and a Change of Plans

As if learning you are not pregnant another month isn’t hard enough…I went back yesterday to the OBGYN for a Day 3 Ultrasound.  While I was there the lady doing the ultrasound told me there were no cysts.  Yea!  I went home, received the Clomid and Ovidrel in the mail and almost took my first dose of Clomid but decided to hold off until I heard from the RE just in case there was any change in the plans.

The nurse called and they found 2 big cysts – one measuring 22 (cm? mm?) on my right ovary and one measuring 26 (I’ll say units) on my left ovary.  The cysts are probably caused by the medications I was on to help me ovulate.  They will not proceed with the next medicated cycle unless the cysts are below 15 units.  Sigh.  So….

They are putting me back on birth control pills for this next cycle to assist my body in getting rid of the cysts.  I have been having AWFUL lower back pains and was just attributing them to cramps, but apparently the cysts were the culprit.  They really do not feel good one bit.

I am so so so so so so so mad about this.  I was told at the OBGYN that I did not have any cysts so I was thinking everything was fine, on with the next cycle, upping the Clomid, new possibilities, yea.  Then the RE nurse calls me and those plans are off.  Completely off.  Back on birth control??  I know this can happen, but I want the EXACT OPPOSITE of what birth control can offer me!!  It makes me so sad to take those stupid pills every night now.  Just another constant reminder that my body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing.  (And why in the world was I told at the OBGYN there were no cysts??)

We went out to dinner last night because let’s face it, food is my way of coping.  We splurged and cheated for the first time since being on Sugar Busters and got a big ol’ Bloomin Onion.  (It was so good yet my stomach did not at all like it the rest of the night…or today for that matter.)  On the way home Barry had a neat idea.  He said that God always works in unexpected ways.  He always accomplishes His will through the most unlikely people and through the most unlikely situations so that only He can receive the glory for it.  So if we really believe that He is who He says He is…and if we believe that He really can accomplish ANYTHING then there is just as much a chance that we will get pregnant this cycle than any other cycle on meds.   And how much more glory would He receive if we got pregnant in the most unlikely month since we’ve been trying. 

Wow, I do totally believe that God can do ANYTHING He so desires…again, look at the Bible…Mary - she was a virgin and conceived baby Jesus!  And Sarah was in her 90’s when she gave birth to Isaac!  I KNOW the Lord CAN DO ANYTHING!!  And how cool would that be to get pregnant on this cycle?  But at what point do we look at the situation and say, “you know what…He’s closing doors, it’s not happening…maybe it’s His will we become parents a different way”?  But this emotional roller coaster, with the hoping and the crashing down and the waiting and the hoping and the disappointments and the waiting…I just don’t know how long I can take it.  I guess the answer to that is in my own strength I couldn’t have taken it this long.  But with the Lord’s strength He will help me make it for as long as it is in His will that I do so. 

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” ~Ephesians 3:20-21

“Lay it Down” by Jaci Velasquez

I've been looking until my eyes are tired of looking
Listening until my ears are numb from listening
Praying until my knees are sore from kneeling on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun doesn’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But You're pulling me out
I'm finally breathing in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believing
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, because all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what else can I do,
Because everything I am depends on You
And if the sun doesn’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

IUI #1 is a no go

Looks like we will be needing to hold up another finger in our IUI picture this month. There will need to be an IUI #2.

I started having awful back pains the day before yesterday, cramps joined in yesterday and today it was official. I called the RE’s office early this morning and still have not heard anything back. That place is going to be the death of me. As if it is not difficult enough having one more failed cycle, then you add in the pain of these cramps and backs pains, then you add in the million telephone calls between the pharmacy, RE, OBGYN and looking at our calendars trying to work out the medication schedule and procedure schedule for the upcoming cycle. Then you have to rearrange your life a little in order to take all of these calls because you can’t exactly stand in the middle of the grocery store or gym talking about the type of things you have to talk about and you never know when they will call you back. I think infertility could easily be a full time job. Not a very rewarding one though…Anyway, it just makes these days really hard when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry but life must go on.

Weird…this is the second time that I have been blogging as my RE’s office calls. It’s like she knows I am blogging about her. :) Last week I had my Progesterone level checked and the Dr. likes to see a level over 15 to confirm ovulation and mine was 13.8. Because of this they are upping my Clomid to 100mg this next cycle. I will go in Friday for an ultrasound to check for cysts and some bloodwork. I will start the 100mg of Clomid on Friday and then have the next Ultrasound on Day 13. That’s the plan for now.

I called the OBGYN after I got off the phone with the RE and as soon as I gave my name to the receptionist she knew exactly who I was (one of the…I guess benefits of doing procedures at the OBGYN, is you are one of the only ones doing an infertility procedure so everyone knows you and knows what you are having done…benefit in that I have been told by several of the staff they are praying for me, drawback being everyone knows my business.) But she asked how I was doing and I knew what she was getting at, so I told her why I was calling and she was so sad for me. Her whole demeanor changed and she kept saying she was so sorry - which I really appreciated but it was more than I could handle. It was really hard keeping it together to schedule all of these upcoming appointments.

I feel like I could really start complaining, and I don’t mean to do that at all so I am going to end things here. It’s just hard to see another cycle come to an end in not a pregnancy…but it means the start of a new cycle meaning new opportunities, right?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Facebook drama

Facebook had become my arch-enemy until I found out how you can block people so you don’t see their status updates. That turned life around for me, so now I can pleasantly enjoy Facebook. :) I now automatically block most people who are pregnant or after I see them complaining about their children. Here’s why…several of my Facebook friends are constantly posting about their pregnancy – complaining about pregnancy symptoms, etc. AND I have Facebook friends who complain about their children. Sadly, I look at those people differently now. It really annoys me that people complain about something that is SUCH a blessing. Especially the ones that know we are trying to get pregnant and STILL complain about pregnancy symptoms on Facebook so I can see it…I just don’t get that. (Now I also have several friends who are pregnant and do not complain about their pregnancy on Facebook…they do get to stay on my list of approved status updates. :) I do have some very considerate friends.) So, most of these people get blocked automatically so I don’t have to see those comments - not because I judge them for making them, but because they are very difficult to see for an infertile. I think it will save some friendships.

I love my husband. He is normally a quiet, easy going guy...not much gets to him. However when something really does bother him he can most definitely speak up! Case and point…

While I have handled the Facebook situation the passive way by blocking people, he on the other hand handled it with this comment over the weekend…

“Barry Williams Wishes all the people complaining about their pregnancy symptoms on facebook would stop being selfish, and just be thankful...you know who you are. There are plenty of people who would love to be in you're position.”

he he he….exactly what I had been thinking but hadn’t had the courage to voice. I am proud of my hubby for being so bold. :) I hope that it will cause some people to think about the comments that they make before they make them. Hopefully it will also help some people feel thankful for their children and for their pregnancy.

Updates and Random thoughts…

First of all I wanted to post some pictures that have been hanging out on my camera. Here are some more infertility journey pics…

At our first trip to the RE

Me posing with my Clomid before my first dose.

A street sign in Mobile that we saw on our 2nd trip to the RE…if only the RE was ON Conception Street, that would be awesome. But still, the street is in the same city as the RE, it has to mean something…right?

Next, some random stuff…

I had my Progesterone level checked yesterday. My nurse didn’t tell me what exactly they were looking for, just that I needed to get it checked on the 19th. They do not call you with the results of this one. She was throwing so much information at me that I forgot to ask what exactly they were checking for and why they didn’t call you. Oh well, maybe not knowing helps my stress level. At my appointment yesterday I came to the realization that every single pregnant woman in Dothan comes on Tuesday mornings to get their ultrasounds. Seriously, it was freakish. Normally when I am at the OBGYN there are 1 or 2 pregnant women but yesterday there were probably 10-15 women in the waiting room and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM had a ginormous, about to pop belly AND most were holding ultrasound pictures. You think I am exaggerating, but I simply am not. I have no idea what was going on but I sure wasn’t enjoying it. It’s bad enough being around one pregnant woman but add 14 more of them as I wait to have blood work done because I can’t get pregnant…that was really not fun. With the Lord’s strength I made it through that appointment and have vowed never to go back on a Tuesday morning. :)

I have lost 15 pounds since being on the Sugar Busters diet! Woo-hoo! Not at all the reason for being on the diet but definitely a happy side effect! Several people have started noticing and asking me about the weight loss so that is exciting. Barry has also lost probably 20 pounds now. Go Sugar Busters! It’s exciting getting out my “skinny” clothes!

Weird thing about this cycle…every other cycle I have had since being off of birth control I have had bad acne from right around ovulation time until I start my period. I don’t know what hormone causes this during the 2ww but this cycle after being on Clomid and Ovidrel – no acne! I was thinking that it would probably get worse, but it has been a week since the IUI (so hopefully a week after ovulation) and still no acne. Awesomeness.

Side note - I absolutely think that “Toddlers and Tiara's” is an awful show. Has anyone ever seen it? The things those parents put their kids through! I could totally get on my soap box, but I won’t…I need to change the channel I think…

This 2ww is actually going pretty quickly. I have been busy with work - doing a lot of traveling, and the Lord has just really given me a peace about things. I am not counting down the days until the end of the 2ww, I am not analyzing and thinking about any weird symptoms that I might have…I feel pretty relaxed which is a good feeling. Praying that the relaxed feeling sticks around!

God’s eternal perspective

Isaiah 55:8 (NIV) "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."

This verse keeps popping up everywhere I look. You think God is trying to teach me something? It is a continuous reminder that things here on earth might not be going according to MY plans but they are going according to the LORD’S plans. His thought process is a tad bit different than mine. :) He sees everything that happens on this earth with an eternal perspective and I see it with a right here right now perspective.

When I can take a step back and see all of the good that has come from my infertility (see here) I see that the Lord is indeed working in my life and the lives around me. My relationship with the Lord has grown through this experience and because of that I have become more in tune to the Holy Spirit talking to me. I have had many experiences with God since infertility has touched my life!

It makes me excited to see what else He has in store for me and for those around me that will help accomplish His will. It is going to be really cool when we get to Heaven one day and can see exactly what the Lord was up to. Why He allowed infertility to touch our lives and what all He did through that infertility. Only then will we be able to see a little bit of that eternal perspective that the Lord has. But in the meantime it is such a blessing that He is allowing us to see some of the good that is coming out of infertility. I can see that His ways are definitely better than my ways.

We are going through the Experiencing God study on Sunday nights with our church and it is such a heavy book. By heavy I mean that I think you could read it a million times and the Lord would teach you something new each time. It is really convicting me about turning my eyes away from myself and my circumstances and focusing on what the Lord’s will is and how I can join Him. The book keeps saying we need to stop asking “Lord, what is your will for me?” and instead ask “Lord, what is your will?” This is a hard one because we are so self centered and have a narrow view of the world. We also want to serve the Lord and oftentimes take it into our own hands to find where to serve based on what we want to do. But when we turn our eyes off of ourselves and our will, focus them on the Lord’s will and the Lord’s ways, the Lord will accomplish GREAT things for the Kingdom through us. But we need to do what He wants us to do, not what we think we need to be doing for Him. Does that make sense? I think it again goes back to the above verse…even in service to Him, His ways are not necessarily my ways. I may be trying to accomplish good for the Kingdom, but unless I am doing what He has led me to do, it is useless.

IUI #1

IUI #1 is over with!  It wasn’t really all that bad…the whole process took a little longer than we had anticipated, but most things do.  :)

We headed over to the Urologist bright and early and had to wait quite some time for the wash.  But finally the “specimen” was handed to us and we were on our way to the OBGYN.  I was very very protective of those little spermies.  I wore a puffy vest to insulate and keep them warm in my bra.  My motherly instinct was well intact.  :)

I am being a copycat and copying Courtney in her taking pictures at the IUI appointment while holding up the number of fingers for the number of tries.  We pray that this is the one and only picture that we will take, but we will see what the Lord has planned.  Note I am still guarding those little spermies in my vest.  :) 

The IUI itself was uncomfortable but not painful and it was over fairly quickly.  After laying there for 20 minutes we were on our way.  I did take it very easy yesterday though and laid around a lot.  I know the doctors say that is not necessary, but it can’t hurt!  Plus it was nice having Barry bring me food and such…he he he…

So now we pray and root on the little guys…Swim little guys swim!!!

Ovidrel trigger shot

The shot went well last night!  I never ever thought my husband would be giving me a shot, but then again, did any of us ever think that?  Probably not.  But he was a good Doctor.  Here is the picture we took right before the injection…

  Note the fear in my face and the deviousness in Barry’s… :)

And here is the Doctor coming at me!  Scary…

It actually didn’t hurt at all.  I hardly felt the needle, and just felt a little stinging when the serum starting going in.  No weird side effects yet either, yea!  Come on little eggies, come on out!  :)

The plan

Alrighty, so here is the plan for the rest of this first cycle on Clomid…I had an ultrasound yesterday and it looks like I have 2 good follicles there almost ready to go. They are having me do the trigger shot (Ovidrel which NO PHARMACY keeps in stock apparently) tonight between 10pm and midnight. Then we will have our first (and hopefully last) IUI scheduled for Thursday morning. Next week I will go in for a Progesterone check and then the following week for a Pregnancy test.

We got Barry’s semen analysis results back and the motility is kind of low…much lower than his last semen analysis. The initial test back in the day showed I think a 13% motility, after the varicocelectomy it jumped up to 58% and this last test it is down to 39%. So I am not quite sure what is going on there (nurse said it could be medication, cold weather, sickness, etc.), but because of those results the RE recommended we go ahead and do the IUI instead of timed intercourse. The only hesitation is that normally on Clomid they do a Progesterone check a week after taking it and since we didn’t know for sure we would be doing the IUI they didn’t have me do that. So there is no way to know if the Clomid worked…but either way I have 2 mature follicles, so hopefully we’ll be good!

We will be giving the “specimen” at the Urologist office, waiting around while they wash it, carrying the “specimen” (hopefully our future children….well half of them, it does take 2 parts…) to the OBGYN and having the IUI there. It makes me a little nervous doing it there and not at the RE because the OBGYN’s office doesn’t do it all the time…but driving another 7 hours after we just did that last week doesn’t seem like a good option…. so we thought we’d give the urologist/OBGYN a try. I think it’s funny that to transport the “specimen” from the urologist to the OBGYN’s office we have to keep it warm. She recommended keeping it in our arm pit or in my bra. I can just see us sitting in the waiting room with my husbands sperm nestled in my bra. It makes me laugh just thinking about it for some reason. I will be taking good care of those little spermies!!

So a question to everyone who have done these IUI’s before…do you tell people before you have them? I mean not on the blogosphere? Because I don’t want it to be common knowledge when we get pregnant that we are pregnant until I am many weeks along…but if you tell people that you are having the IUI they pretty much know about when you should know if you are pregnant. And if they ask about it and you are pregnant do you lie? The Bible says not to lie…but if we don’t want people knowing…and I am not talking about letting the whole world know but friends, family, people at church that know about our infertility…how do you handle that? I REALLY don’t want to have to tell people “Nope, not pregnant, the IUI didn’t work.” It’s hard enough hearing the information yourself…which I also don’t like. (I would rather just find out I am not pregnant when my period starts. I don’t at all want to go get blood work and have the nurse call me to tell me I am not pregnant. Hopefully that won’t have to happen…) But really, hopefully people are smart enough not to ask “Did it work?” “Are you pregnant?” but they might…and then what do we do? I also don’t want to keep in private that we are doing the IUI because I want my prayer warriors praying for it!! Help?!…

Clomid update

So I took my Clomid on days 3-7 and didn’t really have any side effects.  I was a little bit more tired than normal and had some slight nausea, but I also have a cold, so those symptoms could have been because of the cold.  So yea!, no side effects, I just pray it is working!  Come on little ovaries, you make me some good eggs!  :) 

We also had Barry’s appointment in Mobile this past Monday.  We had a cumulative 7 hours of driving and were at the RE’s office for all of 10 minutes.  Luckily neither of us mind driving…well I enjoy it and Barry doesn’t hate it.  :)  Now we wait and find out more on Monday…

Cool stuff to get you thinking and praying…

I have mentioned before how I feel like every devotional/sermon/Bible verse is written for me in my infertility struggles.  Since I have started blogging I have made sure to make note of those verses and devotionals that I come across so that I can share them.  I normally try to blog about them as the Lord brings them across my path, but they have been building up.  So here are a few things the Lord has laid on my heart.  I am not including any of my own thoughts, just giving you exactly what I have been reading.

• “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.”   -- Psalm 94:19
• "Give thanks in all circumstances."   -- 1 Thessalonians 5:18
• The following Bible verse and devotional is from my Girlfriends in God daily devotional -"Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."   -- James 1:2-3  NLT   “The highest joy will come through the greatest pain. The greater the pain, the more we are forced to search for and cling to the hand of God! That only happens when we choose the right attitude toward pain….God's ways are higher than our ways and most human reactions are in direct opposition to the paradoxical ways of God. Honestly, there are times when what He has asked me to do simply does not make sense - to me - and there we find the problem. Faith is a matter of blind obedience, not human logic. At the heart of every storm is victory, just waiting to be claimed.    Examine the following list of character traits. How have your life storms encouraged growth in each area? 
        Purity_____  
        Love _____
        Power _____
        Patience _____
        Kindness _____
        Understanding _____”
• Also from Girlfriends in God - "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry."  Psalm 40:1 (NIV)  - “I had always thought of waiting as a passive and even wasteful experience.  But while sitting at the bottom of the pit of clinical depression, I began to see that waiting is active and can be a powerful spiritual experience.  To wait means to accept the pit.  Picture yourself falling into a slimy pit.  Your first reaction, like mine, would probably be to frantically claw and struggle, fighting your way out!  When you have used up every ounce of energy, you stop struggling and sit down to rest, waiting for help because that is all you can do.  You have no other options.  When hard times come, we immediately begin to beg and bargain for rescue - for a way of escape.  God loves us too much to waste our pain.  It is a shallow love that always rescues easily.  It is a depthless love that always rescues quickly. Sometimes our Father says wait.  So be patient, accept your pit, and know that He is at work.”