A Big Ol’ Cup of (Caffeinated) Joe

That’s what I had with breakfast…Most of you know what that means…booo.  I started my period yesterday, so IUI #2 was not successful.  I definitely had some tears from learning that news and crashing from the high of “this could really be the month” – it never gets easier.  Although, like Rachel had mentioned once before, that grieving period does seem to get shorter.  Whereas learning the news of another cycle ending used to take a few days to get over, it now takes a few hours.  I guess that’s good…but it is amazing how quickly I can go through all of the stages of grief.  I also know that unless you have walked the road of infertility, or followed it closely with a friend, you might not really understand the grieving over something that never was.  I read a really good article about it at one point and keep meaning to post about it but the article is just too long to summarize and I can’t figure out how to get it on here…anyway…the infertile really does go through the 5 stages of grieving EVERY SINGLE month!!  One day I will get that article on here and it will explain it better, but until then, just know that it happens.  It isn’t simply “OK, this month didn’t work, on we go.”  There really is grieving that goes along with it every month – there is a cycle of hope, followed later in the month by denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance and hope again.  During that 2ww you really do build up hope that you have a baby living inside of you.  No matter how hard you try not to get your hopes up, you do!  You want to believe that this is the month, you want to believe that the infertility road has ended, you want to believe that you will be meeting your baby in 9 months, you want to believe the Lord has finally answered the prayers in the way YOU want them answered (He answers them regardless, just not always how we think He will).  And you do believe those things, especially when you are experiencing pregnancy symptoms and it really feels like you are pregnant.  Then your period starts and you have to grieve all of those things that you were just believing – things that seemed so real.  You must grieve the loss of having to wait at least another month until meeting your future child, grieve the fact that you won’t have your baby in your arms in 9 months, grieve the fact that the infertility road has not ended yet.  And yet throughout it all, even knowing that the grieving is harder if you let yourself have hope -  you do let yourself believe.  I think the Lord wants us to do it… “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13  So even though it hurts, I do always want to believe that this could be the end of this stage of our life.  I always want to believe that maybe this cycle is the Lord’s answer to our prayers…it is just hard finding that balance between hope and reality.

Even with the onset of my period though I really feel at peace.  I just really KNOW the Lord is in control.  I have always KNOWN that and felt it most of the time, but this infertility stuff is still so darn anxiety producing! This past cycle though every time I started thinking I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms (which happens every cycle because most signs of impending periods are the same as pregnancy…so it is next to impossible not to analyze what is going on in my body) or my thoughts started wandering towards “what if this isn’t the month?”my next thought was “Lord I need your grace” or “Lord I need you to take a hold of those thoughts and help me focus on you instead” or “Lord, guard my heart and my mind with your peace that surpasses understanding”…And you know what? HE DOES!  Those thoughts go away…for the time being…they come back, but I just have to say those little prayers again and the Lord is GOOD!  He makes them go away yet again!  And helps me feel at peace even through my circumstances.

AND I was talking to one of my friends the other day who is 13 weeks pregnant and I didn’t feel a bit of jealousy!!  I was genuinely excited for her and interested in the pregnancy happenings.  I was on cloud 9 when I got off of the phone with her because it was the first time that I have been able to really talk to someone about their pregnancy without that nagging jealous feeling in the back of my mind.  In my own power, let me just tell you, that would not have happened.  But with the Lord giving me His grace and peace it did!!  Amazing.

It is good to feel that peace even in the face of another month of failed dreams.  I had blood work this morning and my nurse is supposed to be calling this afternoon with instructions for this next cycle.  Although all of that will be pending on the ultrasound on Monday looking for those darned cysts.  Please join together with me in prayer that I will not have cysts and we can do another cycle of meds/IUI this coming month!!  Thanks and have a great Friday and weekend!