Huh? What?

I heard from my RE nurse and my HcG levels were 9.  Anything above 5 is considered a positive pregnancy test.  But they want the levels to be MUCH higher than that…I didn’t hear what they want the levels to be but she said in her 6 years of working there the lowest HcG level at this point she has seen end in a successful pregnancy was a 16.  So she said it is considered a “biochemical pregnancy”.  Conception and implantation occurred but the pregnancy failed.  I am so shocked and confused.  I was expecting her to call and confirm that I was not pregnant because I had been bleeding and instead she calls with that???

So I have been pregnant this past week??  I kind of am now but I will miscarry?  Or I already have miscarried??  That doesn’t seem real to say and yet…that’s what has happened or is in the process of happening.  It is all so confusing, even after doing some internet research it is still confusing.  She wants me to go back in on Monday to repeat the HcG test.  She said the levels will probably be down but there is a chance they could stay up for awhile.  The next month we have to sit out because they don’t do medicated cycles right after a “biochemical pregnancy”.

I don’t even like saying that word…it seems to cheapen what happened.  I got pregnant and had a miscarriage very early on is what happened.  I believe that life begins at conception and conception happened!  She told me that probably 50% of first pregnancies actually end in miscarriage but they end so early that most women don’t even realize they had been pregnant.  But since we tested, we know.  That makes me feel a little better that it happens all the time and doesn’t mean that something is wrong with me…but it still means that there was a life in me that is now gone. 

On the other hand it makes me feel a little good knowing that the sperm can penetrate the egg, and a pregnancy can occur…nurse said as hard as it is to hear it is a step in the right direction.  And I do see that…but my brain just can’t wrap itself around the fact that there was a life created in me and now it’s gone.  I went from one second thinking that I was definitely not pregnant to the next second being told that I kinda was/kinda am but it will not last. 

God is still in control though, this did not catch Him by surprise.  I do find comfort in that.