Friday, March 19, 2010

Huh? What?

I heard from my RE nurse and my HcG levels were 9.  Anything above 5 is considered a positive pregnancy test.  But they want the levels to be MUCH higher than that…I didn’t hear what they want the levels to be but she said in her 6 years of working there the lowest HcG level at this point she has seen end in a successful pregnancy was a 16.  So she said it is considered a “biochemical pregnancy”.  Conception and implantation occurred but the pregnancy failed.  I am so shocked and confused.  I was expecting her to call and confirm that I was not pregnant because I had been bleeding and instead she calls with that???

So I have been pregnant this past week??  I kind of am now but I will miscarry?  Or I already have miscarried??  That doesn’t seem real to say and yet…that’s what has happened or is in the process of happening.  It is all so confusing, even after doing some internet research it is still confusing.  She wants me to go back in on Monday to repeat the HcG test.  She said the levels will probably be down but there is a chance they could stay up for awhile.  The next month we have to sit out because they don’t do medicated cycles right after a “biochemical pregnancy”.

I don’t even like saying that word…it seems to cheapen what happened.  I got pregnant and had a miscarriage very early on is what happened.  I believe that life begins at conception and conception happened!  She told me that probably 50% of first pregnancies actually end in miscarriage but they end so early that most women don’t even realize they had been pregnant.  But since we tested, we know.  That makes me feel a little better that it happens all the time and doesn’t mean that something is wrong with me…but it still means that there was a life in me that is now gone. 

On the other hand it makes me feel a little good knowing that the sperm can penetrate the egg, and a pregnancy can occur…nurse said as hard as it is to hear it is a step in the right direction.  And I do see that…but my brain just can’t wrap itself around the fact that there was a life created in me and now it’s gone.  I went from one second thinking that I was definitely not pregnant to the next second being told that I kinda was/kinda am but it will not last. 

God is still in control though, this did not catch Him by surprise.  I do find comfort in that.

13 comments:

  1. Oh my, you are in my prayers. Please keep us posted and be gentle with yourself; you are right that God is in control and will bring good out of this (hug)

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  2. Oh Lisa what shocking news...I am praying for you my friend as you grasp the news that was given to you. God is in control but in the midst of the storm I know it is hard to see, I am praying that He wraps you in the wings of his love....

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  3. Oh Lisa...I'm so sorry. There are no words. I'm praying for you...big hugs.

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  4. This news is hard to take in. I am so sorry and saddened to hear this but at the same time I feel just as confused as you do. Please let me know if there is anything I can do even just listen. I will be over in your neighborhood tomorrow visiting my brother so let me know if you need anything. I also hate that you had to go through this with Barry being out of town. I hope there is a change (either way) to end the confusion and maybe some of the wonder on Monday when you go back. At least now you know it can happen and you are both one step closer to the desired result of a wonderful little miracle. You are both in my prayers.

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  5. Lisa, you are in my heart and in my prayers. As I read your blog, I too felt deeply conflicting emotions. My mother's first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I feel sure I had at least two miscarriages due to the extreme clotting, pain and heavy flow of the periods. I am so happy there was conception with this IUI and it is very encouraging that there was implantation. I pray for the grace of God to cover the disappointment and ease the pain and for His continued peace in your spirit. I will be glad when Barry gets there. I know he was sad to be away when you received this news. I love you and pray for your comfort and rest. May God hold you close.

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  6. I am so sorry Lisa. Praying God upholds you both during this difficult time. You are so right that the term chemical pregnancy is a misnomer, it makes people think of a false positive when it actually is an early miscarriage. Take all the time you need to grieve this loss. ((HUGS))

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  7. Oh hun! What a ride you're on. ((((HUGS)))) Praying that you get a clear answer after Monday's results. Praying in particular that they double {the number itself is not as important as the doubling aspect!} though. :-) Praying for God to give you such an ultimate continued sense of peace!

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  8. I'm sorry Lisa. I understand this very well. We got that same call and report. Praying for you my friend.

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  9. Hi Lisa...I found your blog through Courtney's page. I just wanted to tell you I will keep you in my prayers. I don't mean to give out false hope, but I do know a gal who's HCG started at 5.6 and she has a healthy little girl now. (((HUGS)))

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  10. I'm so sorry! That's how our month was last August. I'll be praying for you!

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  11. The unwelcome roller-coaster ride that infertility brings is so hard. I'm praying specifically tonight for comfort and peace for you from our God. {hugs}

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  12. Lisa,

    I am so sorry to hear this news. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I found your site through Courtney's blog, and have been praying for you since she did "your" post. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

    Lots of love,

    Megan

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  13. Lisa, I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had an early miscarriage this month after my first IUI attempt (just a few days before your 2nd IUI). I don't have a blog myself, but I have taken great comfort in reading yours. Thanks for your honest posts. You are truly an encouragement! ~Angie
    Jeremiah 31:13 "I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow."

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